On The Lot 8/21. And The Contract Goes To...

Well, tonight is the night. The last night that Adrianna Costa will stumble her way through mundane lines. The last night Carrie Fisher will say something completely out of left field (Anyone else remember when she said something about how she hates when men leave her for other men? I do). The last night Garry Marshall will say something idiotic and quote a dead person with no relevance to the situation. And tonight is the last night we will have to watch these three directors with varying amounts of talent make usually only half decent 3 minute movies in an attempt to win a contract to make good ninety plus minute movies, something none of them can most likely do. As our directors walk onto the soundstage set through a car that is miraculously sitting outside the fake theater, Adrianna stumbles over her last opening and I marvel how Jason has the gall to wear a baseball hat with a nice suit. Tonight, Adrianna is in a long red number with a big flower sticking out of the side of her head. Since when are the Carrie and Garry the epitome of Hollywood class and style as Adrianna calls them? I don’t think so Adrianna. We go into the first video package, which is basically a self-congratulatory effort with the show complimenting their own “Hollywood quality” movies with “talented casts and crews”. Again, show, I don’t think so. What is interesting is how much better the editing is on the montage than on any film made this year. Really shows you how talented our directors are. Adrianna asks the eliminated filmmakers some questions, like whether more-talented-than-anyone-else Zack is surprised he’s not in the finale, whether Tony Scott wannabe Marty Martin thought the experience was worth it, and whether Shira-Lee is more prepared for Hollywood because women can’t take the experience without On The Lot’s preparation. Then we get some outtakes of originally not-funny movies. Guess what? They’re still not funny.

As we reenter the fake movie theater, we get clips from movies involving cars, aka Ford Products. Adrianna reminds us that some aspect of the show was good enough to garner an Emmy nomination. The next time-killer is our final three directors picking their favorite movies by other directors. Adam is up first and picks Zach’s “Die Hardly Working”, which was one of his weaker efforts, but still better than anything Jason put out. Will is up next, and chose Hillary’s “Under the Gun”, the completely horrid sperm bank robbery comedy from Hillary. I guess Will can make decent movies but he doesn’t have decent taste in them. After re-living the horrendous experience of watching the sperm bank comedy, we get a recap of all the inane things that the judges said. Well, not everything. Because that would take a few hours. Oh, and remember that Carrie comment I mentioned earlier? Well, so did the editors…

We’re back, and Jason’s choice for his favorite movie is Mateen’s action movie, which I remember being the best from that week. Well, I guess Jason can’t make decent movies but he does have decent taste in them. Huh, he’s the inverse Will. Adrianna tells us that that was the last film of the season and launches into a video package about the “fantastic actors”. I’d call about 4 of them good, so to me this video package is mostly idiotic. Though I do finally learn Eric Cahill’s name, who was really nice to watch, if you catch my drift. Turns out up till this, her biggest role was either as the Pink Time Force Power Ranger or in the mercifully short-lived FOX sitcom “Free Ride”. I somehow don’t think this’ll be the career boost she needs.

And we’re back with Adrianna talking about their record-breaking vote tally, even though a massive technical glitch screwed up Internet voting. Good to know that a lot of effort is put into this show. We get yet another video package, this time with our final three directors talking about themselves over clips of their movies. No one wows me in their discussions of themselves or their movies. Carrie gives last words of advice talking about how she hates endings as much as being judgmental. I wonder where a man leaving her for other men falls on that chart. She calls them all winners as says they’ll all work in this town again. It’s time to get down to business, and Adrianna recaps everyone’s repeats from last week. America voted, and our favorite director is not Adam, who arguably was the most likely to produce a decent full-length movie. He smiles and Adrianna rubs his shoulder. He thanks his fans and repeats the company line of “great casts and crews” and tells us he’s not done. Garry tells us someone once complimented him. Good for you Garry, want a cookie? But there’s no rest for the marginally-talented as Adrianna immediately brings Will and Jason back to center stage to announce that the winner of On The Lot is… going to be announced after the break. Oh Adrianna Costa, you buxom trickster you.

We come back and both Jason and Will are sitting in the audience, as a voice announces Adrianna Costa, here to announce the winner of On The Lot. And see, here I thought she was announcing best sound editing on a made-for-television movie. The winner of On The Lot is…. Will Bigham, meaning the partially talented defeats mildly talented. But seriously, Will made some decent movies, including his adorable lamp movie. Will thanks God first and foremost, prompting much applause from the audience, who are apparently from God, because that’s the only reason an audience screams, right? When the place they’re from is mentioned, right? He also thanks the competitors, his family, etc. Garry compliments Jason and tells him he’ll go onto great films, and says Will will be doing it sooner. Garry quotes someone without telling whom it is, and they put Will into a car on his way to meet Steven Spielberg. Adrianna thanks us for an amazing season of movies and memories (which are, precisely?), but tells us it’s not over yet, because we get to watch Will walk through the gates of DreamWorks. Because guys walking though gates makes great TV.

It’s been a dream come true for Will, who, in a clearly pre-recorded car ride, goes to meet the great bearded man and gets a hug. Spielberg says it’s great to meet him, and tells him that Yes Men, Lucky Penny, and Glass Eye were his favorites, showing that he actually watched the show. He wishes him well and they walk onto the lot together and they lived happily ever after. The end, and can I just say “Thank God.” Goodbye Adrianna, Carrie, Garry, and all you other people who I insulted. I honestly can say I won’t miss you.

On The Lot 8/14. The Finale Part One, aka Clip Show

Adrianna immediately reminds us that we’re down to three marginally talented directors tonight, and that this is the first part of the finale. As she stands there I notice that she has one really awkward hand. It just kind of hangs there. It draws the attention. Adrianna trips over her lines and takes us to the clearly staged directors sitting on the couch discussing about who’s nervous. No surprise, everyone is! Because no one is talented enough to know that they have a spot in the finale. Adrianna tells us that it was the biggest public vote yet, meaning that more than 10 votes were cast. Wow On The Lot! Instead of cutting someone, she tells them who made it. The first director in is Will, to mild audience applause. The second director in is Adam to still mild applause. The final director in is Jason, to much louder applause, meaning Sam is cut. Sam calls the experience invaluable. Tonight the directors are not making new movies. Why the hell are we watching this then? If there’s no new content, I’m really at a loss to recap. So this is gonna be a short one readers. All three are in what I truly hope is not their best, especially because Jason seems like a he was dressed by the main character of his first movie. Our village idiots, ahem, “judges” are still around, and Carrie is sporting Garry’s head on a popsicle stick. I’m not sure to be happy or horrified about this. It’s a combination of both.

Ooh, but we still have to wait, because it’s time for pointless video packages about the directors and their “journeys”. Remember when Jason made the movie about the retarded guy who went to hell? Remember when Adam made that mildly funny dance movie? Remember when Will made the movie about mutilating surgical patients? Well, if you didn’t, know you do. Adrianna asks them questions, and Jason uses this opportunity to cry and try to get sympathy votes. Will comments about how he finally used dialogue. Adam likes that they liked his last movie. I mean, I know that On The Lot is a crappy show, but can we get better questions than these generic ones?

Jason is up first. The first movie he picked is his movie from horror week, about the buxom mom whose dead kid saves her from getting stabbed. I guess this was one of Jason’s better works, but that’s not saying all that much. It’s mildly proficiently shot, but it wasn’t remotely scary. The second movie he chose was “Sweet” which is about the guy who forgets his anniversary. It’s mildly entertaining, and mildly well done. See, I’m using the word “mildly” a lot because Jason is a mildly talented director. Mildly on the side of not, that is. Garry thinks that the ancient Greeks made films. Oh, Garry… He asks Jason why he wants to be a director. Jason plays the Kentucky card, the tears card, and the no formal training card. Wow, he’s playing tough for some of the voting groups.

Will is second. The first movie he chose, after telling us he loves all his work, is “Glass Eye”, about the guy who sees through his glass eye when he covers his eye. It’s still a cute, wordless work from Will. These are his best types of films though. If he were going to do one of those though, I would have preferred the absolutely adorable and cute lamp one. His second movie is the guys in dresses one. It’s not as good as his no dialogue movies. It’s got a few good moments, but it’s not one of his best two works. Carrie loves his child-like spirit. Will wants to be a director because it feels right when he’s behind the camera, like all the pieces fit into place. Good answer Will. But then he goes for the sympathy vote as well, reiterating the family aspect of the show. I hate pandering.

Adam is last. The first movie he chose was his musical movie. It’s better than I remember it being actually. It’s fun, and the lyrics are pretty good. The second movie he’s showing is “Army Guy”, which was his surreal but pretty darn fantastic movie from last week. Rewatching it knowing the ending, it really is even better. Carrie calls him a complete original. Instead of asking him why he wants to be a director, they ask him what he would do if he won the competition. He, instead, answers the question that the other two got. Good job listening, Adam.

One last time, they ask Carrie and Garry whom they want to win. Carrie wants Will, Garry wants Jason. Frankly, I think Adam’s the most talented one there.

On The Lot 8/7. Could Garry Marshall Be Sane and/or Lucid?

Adrianna is still here tonight, which is the most fascinating part of the show considering she’s so bad, and she immediately jumps into last week’s results. No one feels totally safe this week, which is apt because everyone kinda sucked last week. Adrianna shows up wearing something that looks like it was ripped from an 80 year old Floridian’s window. The bottom two vote getters were Sam and Zach. Our eliminated filmmaker is surprisingly Zach, which is interesting because a few weeks ago I would have said that betting on Zach for the win would be easy money. I guess this opens the door for a Will Bigham win. Zach gives a tearful goodbye and walks off into the poorly lit backlot. Will apparently is thinking the exact same thing I was, and saying that he has to step up his game now. Adrianna introduces our remaining directors, but I’m too distracted by the now clear fact that Adrianna is not wearing a bra. I know this, because two of her friends are poking out. We’re introduced to our regular judges, Carrie and Garry, aka Dumb and Dumber (You can pick which one is which) and special judge F. Gary Gray, who rocketed Chris Tucker to comedy superstar. Question: When did Chris Tucker become a comedy superstar? And if he did, didn’t it come with “Rush Hour”, not “Friday”? Tonight is the America’s logline challenge, where everyone has to make a movie about a guy in a dress waking up and not realizing why he’s in a dress. Sounds like hilarity will ensue.

Will is up first, and he’s doing a business comedy take on the logline. He wants his film to feel like a Coen Bros. film, and he’s now apparently including dialogue, which worries me because he does do a lot better with silent films. His film is cute, but not particularly entertaining. It’s true that it has a lot of dialogue, but a lot of his film is predictable. There are a few good jokes still in there though, especially when the secretary realizes she’s wearing the same outfit as the boss. Carrie thinks there’s a lot of dialogue. Great observation Carrie! She liked it, especially because there was a non-feminized man in a dress, her favorite type. F. (or is it Gary) thinks the film was strong, but there may have been too much music. Garry tells us that he’s himself. Good to know Garry. I’d hate to think of imposters running around pretending to be Garry Marshall. Will makes a joke about wearing a dress. It’s as obvious as his movie’s punchline.

It’s that time of the episode where Adrianna sucks up to the guest director, asking for any advice for the directors. He tells them to be passionate about their work. Sam is up next, and his film also has an office setting. I personally think this is one of Sam’s best movies from a film standpoint. He’s clearly trying to riff on “Saw” and I like his twist on the “Saw” concept, even if it is reminiscent of a movie like “9 to 5”. It’s also really well shot and lit. My only quibble would be that the very end doesn’t really make sense to me. Did cross-dressing turn him gay? Is that what Sam’s trying to say? Because if that’s the case, I’ve got a bunch more problems with the film. Carrie also thinks it’s derivate of “9 to 5” and “Saw” and that he didn’t make it original enough to be an homage. F. thinks it’s tonally two different movies and he didn’t reconcile them well enough. Garry says, “What do I know?” I wonder the same thing Garry. I don’t give credit though. Garry, surprisingly enough makes the most interesting comments on Sam’s film. I’m just too lazy to make Garry seem sane.

We get to meet the creator of tonight’s idiotic logline, and we get to see why everyone really wants to win. I’m guessing because they wanna make movies. That may be going out on a limb, but I’m confident in my guess. Adrianna asks the remaining directors some questions, because apparently there is time to kill. Will tries to keep his mind of the prize and on making movies. Sam dreamed he would make the final four. Jason picks Adam as his biggest competitor, before backtracking and saying everyone. Adam deserves the prize because he works hard. Were these questions supposed to make me dislike the directors even more? Because that was the effect. Adrianna pimps V-Cast’s tie in with On The Lot. I wonder whether V-Cast executives are cringing every time they’re associated with this trainwreck. I would be.

Adam is up next with his movie about a soldier who wakes up in a dress in a strange house. It’s his most complicated film yet. I’m utterly confused by this until the last 30 seconds, when I suddenly realize that it’s an inventive movie with a pretty cool concept. That being said, until the last 30 seconds, this definitely falls into “Wack Alley Cab” territory (Kenny’s first week movie that was truly incomprehensible and abysmal). Once those 30 seconds hit though, it’s great, especially the end punchline. Carrie calls it innovative, freaky, and fantastic. Carrie then repeats those words, and basically calls it a movie for stoners. F. calls it brave and calls it Fellini-esque. He says though, that it sags a little in the middle. Garry calls it funnier than a 19th century Scandinavian drama. He also used the word “crotchsicle” I die a little inside.

Jason is up last, and considering he’s made fun of the mentally handicapped and Asians, I don’t expect his cross-dressing movie to be anything less than offensive. He says it fits into his “fun, crazy” style. He’s apparently changed his ending multiple times. Oh, and he now says in his video package that his biggest competition is Will. Well, it’s not as offensive as I expected, but it’s still not very good. It’s very basically shot and it doesn’t boast any real laughs. In fact, any of his larger intended laughs seem to come from gay jokes, which is a problem, because most gay-hysteria jokes died in the early 90s. Just ask “I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry.” Carrie says that he has a signature style, and that his films always have a nice spirit and humor, even though she doesn’t quite like his style. She calls it very good though. F. says he’s getting better, citing technical improvements, but says it was maybe a little too safe. I don’t quite catch Garry’s comments because about fifteen words into his criticism I realize that he’s actually making strong comments and critiques and my jaw dropped to the floor.

Carrie liked Adam’s the best. So did F. And Garry makes three, giving Adam the sweep.

My Rankings:
1) Sam- I thought his was well shot and executed.
2) Adam- He definitely gets points for his awesome ending, but its not great until the end.
3) Will- Cute but predictable. I’ve seen better from Will. Much better.
4) Jason- How is he still here? He’s a very basically technical director whose stories are never really great.

On The Lot 7/31. These Qualify As Road Movies?

This week “On The Lot” is road movie week. Oh, and Jerry O' Connell week. You see, the winner of last week gets to work with him this week. Isn’t that a privilege to work with the star of Tomcats? Oh, wait. It’s not. I forgot. Adrianna pops up on stage in a long smog colored dress. I prefer it when she wears lingerie on stage. At least she’s mildly interesting then. This week, everyone is nervous. Andrew compares this competition to a round of golf, where you can have a bad week. It’s actually a kind of apt comparison, at least for some of the directors. I don’t quite think it applies to Andrew as well. . Adrianna pops up, announces it was a very close vote between Andrew and Zach. The director leaving the lot this week is Andrew. I’m pretty sure he was the least talented director left (it’s between him and Jason), so I don’t feel a big loss. Adrianna reiterates that this week is road movie week, which means a lot of Ford product placement. Last week’s top vote getter was Jason (Wha?) so he’s get the right to work with the wildly talented Jerry O’ Connell. We get reintroduced to our judges, but Garry Marshall is nowhere to be seen, except as a dismembered head. And I don’t mean in the good sense. Penny Marshall is holding up her brother’s cardboard head, because he couldn’t be here. This week’s guest judge is Gary Ross, a fairly talented director. How did they rope him into this?

Adam is up first, with another dance movie, about a car radio that makes people dance. It’s not a good sign if you’re repeating ideas and the competition isn’t even over. The movie is nowhere near as strong as his “Dance Man” short from the first week. That’s not to say its bad, its just not very good. Oh, and Tatyana Ali cannot play a cop. The dancing is fairly tame as well. Carrie thinks he clearly has something going on with musicals. Carrie laughed really hard (which she claims its tough to do) and loved it. Gary Ross found it unbelievably ambitious and proficient and charming. He thinks that the ending could have been a little cohesive, but still thinks its very well. Penny agrees and likes the choreography. Her comments prove that while annoying speech patterns run in the family, Garry clearly got all the crazy genes.

Sam is up next, but not before Adrianna informs us to stick around to find out next week’s logline, the winner of the competition. This week, Sam’s movie is about a backseat-driving test. It’s a funny enough, albeit old, concept. Sam recognizes he has to hit a home run this week. Unfortunately for Sam, this is more like a ground out. It’s not particularly funny, not particularly entertaining in terms of the car stunts, and the characters aren’t particularly enthralling. Was the Aussie guy supposed to be like Steve Irwin? Either way, it’s still not particularly funny. The only thing redeeming about it is the vaguely funny punch line. The more I watch this show, the more I think that there are only two talented directors. Carrie thinks it’s the best thing he’s done here because everyone’s parents are either backseat drivers or alcoholics. Ok Carrie. Gary Ross repeats the phrase “technically proficient” but wishes he’d developed the relationship with the main two characters. Penny delivers a useless quote (which she claims her brother made her day) and says that it probably is his best work. I wonder if any of these people were paying attention during horror week or week one.

We’re back and it’s time for Adrianna to make awkward chitchat with our guest director. She asks whether he prefers writing or directing. He says he likes both. Zach is up next, doing a sequel to the movie last week that almost got him eliminated. So from tonight it’s retreads and sequels. Zach hopes he can make it to the end and win this thing. I don’t doubt he will. This is far and away the best movie so far. It’s cute and much better than last week. The only problem is that it’s not a road movie. It’s a sci-fi/pirate movie with a car involved. So Zach, while I like your movie, you didn’t really complete the assignment. So far though, it’s not looking like that’s going to matter. Carrie thinks it was gutsy to make a sequel to an unliked movie, but says this was a lot better, and she only gets on him because he’s so talented. I really don’t want to think about Carrie Fisher getting on anyone. Unless it took place 30 years ago in a Princess Leia bikini. Gary Ross admits that he hasn’t watched the show (he didn’t see the first part) but thinks that the tone was great and fun. He sums it up by saying he did an excellent job. Penny Marshall is glad that he took their notes from last week. She rambles about chicken wire fence and I definitely see the relation to her brother. Adrianna’s cleavage appears to almost be popping out of her dress, and I don’t miss the lingerie as much.

It’s Jerry O’ Connell Time! Do you hear that everyone? Jerry O’ Connell is about to be on! You don’t care? Oh, no one cares? Good to know. Someone should tell the On The Lot producers. Jason continues to O’Connell suck-upage. Jason hopes that if people see he can direct a big name, people will take notice. Not if they’re watching On The Lot, they won’t. His movie starts off, and it’s clear to me that Jason does not quite know how to set up a car shot very well. Half of his stars head is out of frame, and part of it is blurry as well. Oh, and the ending of his movie is terrible. It doesn’t at all make sense with the rest of the dialogue leading up to it. It’s like he had originally made the ending that they were disposing of a mentally handicapped person, but then remembered that the judges didn’t like that, so he tacked on a completely different ending instead, involving pulling pranks on Asians. Carrie makes a joke about Jason always looking like a schlub. She didn’t quite get this, and thinks that the end doesn’t match up with the beginning and the middle. Gary was confused as well, and doesn’t understand any of the set up for the ending, which is why the payoff doesn’t work. But he compliments his shot technique for some reason. Penny quotes her brother, stumbles over her words, insults Asians, and pretty much confirms to me that she may be drunk. Adrianna shills Jason, but I’m distracted by what I’m pretty sure is body glitter on her cleavage. I thought only strippers wear that, but whatever. Maybe we just found out how Adrianna actually got the job.

Adrianna is back to continue sucking up to Jerry O’ Connell. He plugs his new show, which follows the utterly atrocious Cavemen. Will is our last director, and he’s doing the classic story of Man vs. Machine. I’m more intrigued as to why John Ratzenberger from Cheers and various Pixar movies is in the audience. Doesn’t he have anything better to do? Will plays the “doing it for my kids” card again, and again I think that people should stop abandoning their children to go on reality shows for them (I’m looking at you Amber from Big Brother). Well, I’m pretty sure this is Will’s weakest movie to date, especially compared to his adorable and awesome lamp movie from last week. The trucker in the movie seems to do little to no actual damage to the guy, and the ending doesn’t feel like a full payoff. I don’t know why, but I just feel shortchanged by the end. Carrie thinks that Will is an unbelievable original and she compliments his spirit. She says little to nothing about the actual film. Gary compliments his technique (Can he do anything else?) but thinks that the car could have been more of a character. Penny thinks that the film was set up by the package not the film but doesn’t understand why the guy hated the car as opposed to the traffic. Will makes goofy facial expressions like always and I become more confident that Adrianna has boob glitter.

Adrianna is back to announce the winning logline of the logline challenge. The directors next week have to do something about a guy waking up and not remembering the previous night. Adrianna says this is normal, and I wonder about Adrianna’ drinking habits, and the possible cause of the boob glitter. Carrie’s favorite was Adam. Gary’s was
Adam as well. Penny goes with Sam, but only because she doesn’t want to sweep.

My Rankings:
1)Zach- He didn’t quite follow the assignment, but his is the only one I would classify as good.
2)Will- The best of the bad, but only because it was well shot
3)Adam- Meh. It wasn’t that bad, but it wasn’t that good.
4)Sam- Not very good, but at least he kept his actors in frame
5)Jason- Bad on every front. This really ought to get him kicked off the lot.

On The Lot 7/17. Adrianna Costa Gets Some Action

Tonight, we’re told to expect “thrills and spills” from On The Lot. I hope that the thrill is that Adrianna is no longer hosting and that the spill is that the Carrie and Garry both were involved in toxic waste spills, and are therefore no longer able to judge. But, alas, Adrianna is back, wearing sequined garbage bad. She actually pulls it off (I mean, manages the outfit, not removes it. That would make this episode much improved. No luck though). Alas, Carrie and Garry are also both back. But first, to dispatch our two directors. Hillary realizes you now need to make great films, not just good films. If only Hillary could achieve either. Adam doesn’t think anyone should feel safe. Adrianna comes back alone again this week. The first director cut is Shalini. I liked her last movie. But she wasn’t going to win. The second director cut is Hillary, cutting the last female director (how Hillary was the last female director is beyond me). She shouldn’t have made it this far. So no big loss. But somehow, Kenny Luby is in the final 8. America, you beguile me. Apparently, Carrie and Garry are triple threats. Whatever you say Adrianna. Our guest judge this week is Antoine Fuqua who made the awesome Training Day. But he also made the abysmal King Arthur.

Sam is up first this week, with his movie “Key Witness”. I really wanted to like it. I wanted to. I think Sam is talented. But there was something fundamentally missing to it I thought. Yeah, it was well shot and everything, but there wasn’t enough inciting action to make me interested in all the running. It was just kind of a lot of running, because the gunfire was horribly unrealistic. I will say, however, that I liked the trick ending with the key. Carrie thought the action was good but it overwhelmed the story and that he could have done better. Antoine thought it was good but was a little bit of style over substance, and that he missed some good moments for humor. Gary has a soft chair and buys his locks from JC Penney.

Adrianna fawns over Antoine and who he’s worked with. Jason is up next doing an action comedy that’s heavier on the comedy. His short, “Sweet”, was mildly funny and lacking action. The conceit was clever enough (everyday action), but the visual style with the staccato editing and still shots was really aggravating. That being said, it’s probably his best movie so far. Although, it should be noted, that that is not hard when you’ve made movies about killing the mentally challenged, messianic drug dealers, and bimbo moms who are gonna get stabbed. Carrie announces that this is her favorite movie of his so far as well. Although, it should be noted, that that is not hard when you’ve made movies about killing the mentally challenged, messianic drug dealers, and bimbo moms who are gonna get stabbed. Antoine loved it, especially that he focused on the character. Garry likes love action. CREEPY.

Adrianna likes romance, so she’s pleased to know next week is romantic comedies. Andrew is up next, and basically announces that his film is nothing more than a big car chase. At least he’s honest. If Andrew is to fail, he wants to fail big. Admirable, Andrew. Admirable. His short, “Zero2Sixty” definitely falls closed to the zero than the sixty for me. The car chase was mildly entertaining, but I found the main character to be so incredibly aggravating that I was hoping the FBI agent would push him out of the car and drive over him. And the ending was so corny and unfunny, not to mention that the FBI agent would never be able to use that money. It’s evidence. Way to botch the facts Andrew. I mean, you had your facts straight the first week. You got the Alien barfing look perfectly. But you couldn’t abide by normal chain of evidence rules? Also, Andrew, could your Ford product placement have been any more blatant. Well, at least Ford wasn’t in your title. Carrie thought he did a really good job and it was an inventive idea. Antoine thought he did a good job but that it maybe veered too much into action-comedy but that it was really well cast. Garry Marshall gets passed by school buses and wants Andrew and Jason to change hats. Speaking of school buses, I’d be willing to bet that Garry Marshall rode the short bus. Any takers?

Adrianna starts talking to the actors. They all look glad to be onscreen but mildly uncomfortable to have been a part of this show. Kenny is making a skateboarding action movie this week. Now, Kenny started off making skateboard movies, so this is the first time I’ve ever been mildly excited for a Kenny Luby production. His short, “The Losers” is, and I’m shocked to be typing this, half-decent. Well, wait. Let me amend that. It’s half decent once the action starts. Kenny’s filming of the skateboarding scenes is really really good. I can finally see why he was accepted into this competition. However, the rest of the movie is terrible. Poorly acted, poorly shot, poorly written. The biggest problem, however, is that it seems like 2 different movies stitched together. The skateboarding doesn’t mesh with the crappy other stuff. Oh, I forgot. Kenny, what the hell was the random shot of the talking lizard? Just wondering. Carrie thought Kenny has an awesome eye, but that he needs to develop ideas and story better than focusing on shooting. Antoine thought the geography was somewhat botched and that the visual style was a little all over the place. Garry finally admits that he’s absolutely bewildered and tells us that his neck has a kink in it.

Mateen is up last. This is the first time he’s ever done an action movie. He’s worried because of time and budgetary limitations. He shouldn’t be. His movie, “Catch”, blows everyone else’s out of the water tonight. He’s the only one to truly have a beginning, middle, and end, plus good action. The car hitting the guy on the bike looked awesome and the chase was more believable than anyone else’s. My only complaint would be that the inciting incident wasn’t enough to warrant that chase. Carrie thought he did a good job and that he executed it well. Antoine at first thought it was too much, but he re-evaluated and thought it was good. Garry wanted more bubbles with thinks like “pow” and “wham” in them and wants to see people run in heels. Why has Garry not been committed somewhere?

When we come back, we’re treated to another look at some of the stunts, and then we get to thank the stuntmen. We get to hear the judge’s favorites (Carrie liked Andrew’s, Antoine and Garry liked Jason’s), and learn again that next week is comedies with a romantic tinge.

My Top’s of the Night:
1)Mateen- Far and away the best of the night. The most convincing action, the least aggravating characters. A big success.
2)Kenny- Yes, Kenny. I was as shocked as you are. Granted, it was only good for about a minute of it, but that’s still a minute more than three of your competitors.
3)Sam- Sam’s was well shot, but it lacked any sort of rising motion. It was kind of just two people running.
4)Jason- A mildly clever conceit, poorly executed and acted.
5)Andrew- An Utterly hateable lead and an only mildly interesting car chase place Andrew at the bottom of the list tonight.

When Talent Collides "On The Lot" 7/9

This week begins by showing us what our 5 directors had to work with this week, besides the tagline “When Worlds Collide”. The famous Universal backlot is home to our directors this week. But enough of that, its Adrianna Costa time. This week she’s in her shortest yet dress, a little purple number, and I mean the little part. Thanks Adrianna. But first, its elimination time. This week, Adrianna comes to bear the bad news alone, prompting this recapper to wonder whether Garry Marshall was finally institutionalized. Shira-Lee is our unlucky director this week, being booted for delivering a no-scares horror movie. That’s not all; two of this week’s 5 directors are going home. That’s very bad news for Hilary, and bad news for Shalini and Adam, because I would doubt Will and Zack are in any danger.

Speaking of Zack, he’s up first this week. His short, “Time Upon A Once”, is about one couple moving forwards and one couple moving backwards. I think. I’m not entirely sure. His concept confounds me a little. It’s certainly a visually arresting short, especially the little bit where the golden retriever is being pet backwards. That was really cool. As was seeing the dad from “Family Matters”. It was definitely worked better for its visual elements than its story elements. For instance, I didn’t quite think that the guy getting hit by the car fit very well. Carrie liked it like all of his other work. Guest judge Luke Greenfield (The Girl Next Door) thought it reminded him of something Spike Jonze would make. I agree, if the story was a little stronger. Garry Marshall likes dogs and wants everyone to remember peaches.

When we come back from break. Adrianna is chatting up our judges. Luke Greenfield wants us to follow our hearts, whereas Adrianna just wants us make sure we heard it. Then comes Hillary’s film. It’s a fable about donkeys set in the old west. Hillary is worried that her film won’t succeed. But then again, if it did, it’d be a first for her. It’s her best movie so far. The visual style is kind of aggravating, with all the soft-focus. There are one or two good jokes in there (particularly the girl turning Chinese). And she does show a wider range of shots, and less crude humor, which I was expecting (especially with a story involving a man and a tail). Carrie thought she improved a lot, but she needs to step up more and make something great. Luke thought it was wack, but in a good way, the way his mom would love. Garry quotes a mime.

We come back from commercial to see people entering our wildly fake theater. Adrianna and next week’s action movie directors are huddled around the fake concession, where Adrianna feeds Mateen popcorn and admits that she just touched his mouth. Will’s up next with his short “Spaghetti” about a couple that gets trapped in a spaghetti western. Will’s movie, despite a really weak performance from the lead actor, is pretty fun. It’s well shot, has a bunch of good dialogue (a first for non-talkie Will), and makes all the necessary cliché shots without coming off as cliché. Carrie is please that there’s dialogue this week. Luke liked it but wanted a little more punch at the end, using an analogy that involves anchovies. Garry doesn’t think Will looks Italian.

When we come back, Adrianna appears to be talking to an invisible friend. I wonder if that’s the one who keeps shortening her dress on commercial breaks. Shalini is up next, using special effects and Tatyana Ali. Shalini appears to be behind schedule, and is hoping she can get all her shots in time. Her short, “First Sight” is interesting. I actually really like it. Yeah, it’s a little ham-fisted in its pushing the message, but it was well-shot, both actresses did good jobs, and I liked the ending, although she signed a petition to help hungry children, not spare change. Carrie doesn’t like “message” movies because she finds them patronizing. Maybe Carrie just never signs petitions for hungry children. Luke felt like she was trying to brand him with the morality iron. Garry liked it because she was misunderstood. Garry also thinks that they play subtle in Connecticut. It’s very scary to me that Garry and I are the only two who see eye to eye on this one. Very scary.

Adam is up last this week with his short “Worldly Possession”, about a greedy suburban couple who get a military package. Adam is worried about his effects shots, just like everyone else. Adam’s movie is funny, his effects shots are great, and his actor’s performances are good to boot. The only problem I have is that the very beginning with the bumbling scientist wasn‘t very good. Carrie thinks it was the best movie of the night and provided a subtle message, glaring either at Garry or Shalini. I can’t tell. Luke loved it and thought it was well shot and the effects shots were great as well. Garry is moving to Connecticut. Good, he needs to learn subtle. Garry asks if Carrie would kill. Then he says he likes it when Adam’s people sing. Does that mean Jews? If so Garry, you’re not likely to find many singing Jews in Connecticut. I should know. I’m both Jewish and go to school there.

Adam was Carrie’s favorite. Zack was Luke’s favorite. Hilary was Garry’s most improved. That wasn’t the question Garry.

My rankings:
1) Adam. I really enjoyed it, and there weren’t many faults with it.
2) Will. Will’s first foray into dialogue was well written and shot.
3) Shalini. I liked it, I don’t know why, but I liked it.
4) Zack. It was good, but not up to the level I expected from him. Also, the more I think about it, the more it seems visually and possibly storily (is that a word?) lifted from Sci-Fi’s Eureka, a show that I like a lot better than On The Lot.
5) Hillary. A big improvement, but she really shouldn’t have made it past the first week. Claudia LaBianca was robbed!

On The Lot on 7/3 Was Horror-Ble...

To all of you who groaned at this title, I understand. The pun was terrible. But I couldn’t resist myself. But the pun is still better than around half of tonight’s offerings. Adrianna Costa, looking incredibly demure, introduces our horror night. We go straight into our elimination. David realizes he’s not good at sexy stuff, Will is nervous because he didn’t hit a home run this week. Adrianna and Garry show up again. Adrianna reveals that David is the one who’s leaving the lot. I’m not shocked, but it really should have been Hilary going home. In a surprise to absolutely no one, our 6 horror directors are revealed: Shira-Lee, Sam, Mateen, Jason, Kenny, and Andrew. Adrianna introduces our judges, Tweedle Dee (Carrie), Tweedle Dum (Garry), and special guest judge this week, Eli Roth, who single-handedly made the “torture-porn” sub-genre popular with Hostel. He recently blamed the failure for Hostel 2 on piracy. I blame it on the fact that the movie stunk. Seriously, take credit for your work dude. It’s crappy, so is most of Hollywood. You could have just said that an On The Lot contestant helped you.

Kenny is up first. Kenny doesn’t care about blurry and bad camera angles, which leads to fights with his cinematographer. Well, it’s his best movie to date, but compared to “Wack Alley Cab” and “Emo Teen Goes Crazy”, that’s not hard. If anything, though, I’d say he didn’t go crazy enough on this one. This is the one-week where his eccentric style really could have worked, but instead, he does a cheesy horror-comedy payoff with Tatiana Ali as a zombie blogmaster. The actual attack was pretty well shot though. It could have used a better script as well; some of the dialogue was painfully bad. Carrie calls it his most accessible film, unlike his tie. Nice Carrie. She calls it “Gone with the Wind” for him. Eli Roth thought the buildup was better than the conclusion, but that the tone was really good. Garry wrote for the Rat Pack, and is glad he no longer lives in Malibu. He continues to pimp Adrianna out by telling her to hug him, which she describes as less awkward.

Sam comes next. Sam is working with children, animals, and puppets, breaking the rules of Hollywood. His puppet looks really creep though. Much, much better than Kenny’s film, it was properly atmospheric with another great attack scene. The main kids performance was believable, and the puppet was effectively creepy. The prologue doesn’t quite work though. Carrie disliked the prologue as well, but thought the rest was good. Eli Roth thought the attack was fantastic but that the prologue gives everything away and that the tag was weak. Garry loves solitude because his passions turn into monsters in the darkness of the mind. He also tells us that Euripides never made horror movies, and that Sam’s mother and dog are pansies.

Eli Roth and Adrianna both dislike blood. Adrianna assures us though, that the blood in Andrew’s movie is fake. Thank you Adrianna, we were really worried. Andrew’s up next. He’s afraid it’ll play comedic, but it doesn’t look like it could. Unfortunately, it plays completely like comedy. There is a complete lack of atmospheric scares, and the bumbling nature of his protagonist only serves to heighten the comedic aspect of when she goes all demonic in the end, Carrie liked it and that it was really entertaining, and that he normalized zombies. Eli Roth thought it was neither horror nor comedy and played like a “Got Milk” ad. Garry wants to know what’s on the TV. “On The Lot” is on Garry. I’m watching you on it.

Jason had to face a fear of working with kids. Because Sam’s kid wasn’t an actual kid. Hilary thinks that working with kids is a bad idea. I think that working with Hilary is a bad idea. It was a little too supernatural drama than horror. There was a really good atmosphere to it, and it veered in a different direction than I expected. I just wished the kid had been a little creepier. Carrie found herself scared for the first time, and that it was visually interesting, calling it her favorite movie so far. Eli Roth found that the mother strained credulity, and that it screwed him up. Garry thinks Sen and Sational are two different words. And he thinks everyone will have nightmares.

Shira-Lee is up next. She’s a first-time horror director and the only woman director doing horror. Shira-Lee is avoiding gore, and aiming for a psychological chiller. It’s pretty scare-less, and seems to build to nothing. The shot technique was good, but her lighting was entirely too bright. If you’re not going to have any obstacles for your actors, your ghost should at least be scary. Carrie wasn’t scared, but thought the lead actress was good. Carrie also points out that ghosts in the daytime aren’t nearly as scary. Eli Roth thought she overdid the music, and that the end payoff was good. Garry likes Al Gore.

Mateen is up last. Mateen is aiming for a new twist on the horror genre, everyday horror. Shalini is worried that people are either gonna love it or not be able to relate to it at all. I understand where he’s coming from, but to me, this doesn’t quite qualify for horror. It’s drama more than anything else, and carries a lofty political statement that doesn’t quite fit into this week’s material. Also, the story at times is hard to understand. It’s a premonition, right? Maybe not. Carrie thought it had a good look and good performances, but she didn’t quite understand it. Eli thinks the strength is in the performance, and that the audience is disconnected from the jumping P.O.V shots. Garry, for once, doesn’t come off like an idiot. He seems to have actually taken this one seriously. Mateen says he’s trying to take drama to a horror standpoint, but Eli responds that the problem was the audience’s disengagement.

Tonight’s group, in order:
1) Sam’s was the top of the field this week. His creature and performances were both good, and his film was well shot.
2) Mateen’s was second best, even though it didn’t quite fit the bill this week.
3) Jason’s was well shot, but the unconvincing mother and spiritual mumbo of it turned me off slightly
4) Kenny comes fourth, surprisingly enough. His movie had a good attack seen, was well shot, and was miles above Wack Alley Cab
5) Shira-Lee’s was only buildup with no big payoff. She was the real letdown this week.
6) Andrew’s wasn’t scary, had no buildup, and was over clichéd, which lands him on the bottom of the pile.

On The Lot 6/26. Comedy Tonight!

The show starts off in front of the painfully poor-looking fake movie theater front. Is it just me, or is Adrianna Costa wearing less and less each week. Not that this recapper is complaining, but I wonder if she’s gonna host the finale in Carrie Fisher’s Leia bikini. Now that would garner ratings.

Tonight is comedy night, and, unfortunately, they are not referring to how painfully and unintentionally funny the show can be at times. Adrianna rotates 540 degrees with the camera while introducing what happened this past week for our finalists. I’m guessing that that will be the most interesting thing she does all night. Onto a recap of last weeks failures (mainly Jessica). All the directors are magically sitting in a perfect formation when Garry and a very demure Adrianna arrive to deliver the results. What’s interesting is that the show seemingly can’t find a good way to deliver the results. It’s changed each elimination week. In a shock to absolutely no one, Jessica’s film of a man cutting down a tree garnered the least number of votes. Adrianna then delivers news to the 6 directors going this week: Will, Hillary, Adam, Shalini, Zack, and David. For the umpteenth time tonight, we (and the directors) learn that they will be writing, shooting, and editing a comedy in 5 days. Here’s hoping Hillary’s, Shalini’s, and David’s won’t be as bad as their first week’s comedies. If I see one lady peeing on a bus again, I’m turning off this TV.

This week’s judging panel includes our normal mental patients, Carrie and Garry, and our specialty judge, director of such cinematic triumphs as “Just Like Heaven” and the Freddie Prinze Jr. vehicle “Head Over Heels”, Mark Waters. I wish they would bring in John Waters instead. Again, that would make much better TV than this. We can only hope.

Shalini is up first. She’s stepping out of her comfort zone. Neither the other directors nor her actors seem to have any confidence in her. Surprisingly enough, I actually dig this one. Shalini’s first one-minute comedy didn’t have a single laugh to it, and her submission film showed that she could do documentary filmmaking, something we had already established. But this one is well shot and executed. The only thing I had problems with was some of the actors actually. She seems to have a particular soft spot for Asian actors though, and may need to branch out a bit in terms of her subject of focus. Carrie likes it and reiterates that Shalini went out of her comfort zone. She thought it was funny, which is interesting, because Carrie has previously derided any sort of humor that involved the buttocks. Mark Waters continues the trend of the guest director being the only one to make actual film criticism, commenting on her shot technique. Garry liked it because he once did something in a proctologist’s office as well. He liked that there were subtitles, because he doesn’t speak Korean. Garry actually comments on Adrianna’s slowly disappearing clothing. He may actually be awake during these things. Who knew? Adrianna calls it “below the belt” humor. Wow. You see that America? Adrianna made a funny. What? Oh, absolutely no one thought that line was clever in the least. Good. Because it wasn’t. Adrianna announces that voting was up 37% last week. Meaning that 137 people voted, as opposed to 100. Maybe less.

Wait. Did Adrianna’s dress actually get shorter over the commercial break? I think it did. Hooray. Adrianna asks Mark Waters what his favorite comedy is. His response of Groundhog Day is great for Adrianna, because apparently she thinks Groundhogs featured prominently in Shalini’s movie, and somehow it continues to segue into Adam’s.

Adam’s “Dance Man” short was one of the better of the first week, and the way he’s stepping out of his comfort zone is that he’s using special effects. To me, Adam’s short reeks of an extended ripoff on the Geico cavemen idea. Sorry Adam, ABC beat you to that. Overall, I don’t find if funny. The concept is just tired to me. Carrie thought it was ambitious and unlike his previous work, but she thought it was good after stammering for a while. Mark thought that he blended comedy and cinematics well, but that he needed a stronger laugh at the end. Garry liked the car and that somehow; by having the same actors play multiple parts that gives him a bigger cast. Oh, and he comments on a pretty young blond behind him. As if you weren’t crazy enough Garry, now you have to be sketchy as well? Also, he calls Adam Zack, but then apologizing, claiming he was confused by Adrianna’s dress, which I think has gotten shorter yet again.

When we come back from break, Adrianna is sitting, so I’m not sure if her dress has gotten any shorter. After really poorly plugging VCast, we have Will’s comedy short. His past two have been really good and surprisingly funny, so here’s hoping the trend continues. Will’s last two have been light-hearted though, and this week he appears to have taken a darker, gorier turn. No, Will. Next week is horror. Will pulls off comedy yet again, with a disturbing if still funny look at one surgical intern’s sadistic tendencies. And, am I mistaken, or was that the dad from Family Matters. That show rocked when I was 7. The only thing I’d say is that it could have been a little less bloody. Carrie says that only Will could make blood and brains adorable. Carrie also makes an actual funny. See, Adrianna? That’s how it’s done. Mark Waters admits that he’s been watching every week. So Mark, I guess you’re the other viewer. After saying that Will is one of the most talented directors, he calls this a misfire, saying it’s not grounded in reality. Because all situations in comedy always happen. Like that time Robert Hays saved my entire plane from crashing. Or that one time where I turned into a llama and John Goodman helped me stop Eartha Kitt from taking over my kingdom (For those of you who don’t know, that was “Airplane” and “The Emperor’s New Groove”). Garry knows Will’s name, and was scared by Will’s movie, because Garry thinks doctors turn him into a marionette when he’s under anesthesia.

OK. Adrianna’s dress definitely got shorter. Again. Thank you to whoever keeps tailoring her on commercial breaks. You’re making Mark Waters and me very happy I’m guessing. Hillary is up next. Her past two comedies, if you can call them that (I’d call them torture devices), were horrendous. What drivel can we expect from her this week? That would be “Under The Gun”. You know it’s gonna be bad when you start off with a sperm bank sign. I mean, I thought it was gonna be bad, but it was so poorly done. Bad acting, completely unfunny, and just over-the-top crude. Carrie thought it was good, which is surprising, considering her track record with crude. Mark thought it was well shot, albeit missing a few. Garry calls it an action movie, and then makes a joke about masturbation. We get it Garry; you’re a creepy old man. He loves it as well, calling it Thelma and Louise rob a sperm bank.
Adrianna can’t wait for David’s sex comedy. Maybe they’ll awkwardly hug again. Dammit. Adrianna’s dress got longer. Apparently, David is bringing sexy back. Or maybe awkward back. Or not particularly funny back. Oh great, Kenny’s on set. It’ll be an emo sex comedy. Only funny in its punch line, David’s film is, fittingly, more awkward than sexy. It’s well shot, but his two actors have less than zero chemistry, and I think his lead guy was the nerdy brother from Eurotrip. Carrie found it confusing. Maybe that’s because too many men have left her for other men, which we learned last week. She didn’t think it was a success. Mark calls it a delicious conceit that didn’t deliver. Garry starts off with “sex is nice”. Seriously Garry. How pervy are you gonna be? He thought it was a better wrestling scene than in a film that he saw called “Borak”. I’ll have to try to catch that one Garry. Garry then quotes Samuel Beckett, but the quote doesn’t quite apply. Nice try Garry.

Zack is up last. The show appears to be saving the best for last. Adrianna starts off at the terribly fake concession stand, where she has apparently bought popcorn, only to realize it has too many calories. And has probably been sitting there for upwards of a day. Zach’s title, “Die Hardly Working” is already funnier than the entirety of Hillary’s film. Surprisingly enough, Zack’s actually isn’t the best one of the night. I mean it’s good, I like the concept, and it was very cleverly shot. But the acting wasn’t great and it lacked a good punch line. Carrie quotes Garry Marshall, with a quote that, like Garry, has nothing to do with this show. Carrie thought it was fantastic and charming, as usual. Carrie points to three girls in the back that think Zack is the cutest guy in the competition, but the camera doesn’t cut to them, because I don’t think they’re actually there. Mark liked it because it was grounded in reality, and thought it was hysterical. Garry calls him Zack (Correct Garry!). Garry thinks killing should look silly.

The best of the night were Will and Shalini, while Hillary, David, and Adam’s all left a lot to be desired. Next week sees Kenny and the others making horror movies. Maybe his will be someone forced to watch “Wack Alley Cab” over and over on loop. Shudder.

On The Lot 6/19. And So It Continues...

Tonight, “On The Lot”, Adrianna Costa is a terrible host.

Wait, let’s start over. Tonight, “On The Lot”, Carrie Fisher and Garry Marshall will make really bad criticism.

Let’s Try This Once More. Tonight, “On The Lot”, you’ll watch mediocre films.

That one’s the closest. On this weeks installment of reality trainwreck “On The Lot”, one more director is going home and 5 more are showing their submission films (Fox lies, if you haven’t noticed. They aren’t new). Spoilers ahead, but I doubt you care, since you’re probably not one of the 14 people still watching this,

The show starts off promisingly enough, with the elimination of Tony Scott. No, wait, that’s just Marty Martin, the self-promoting Tony Scott impersonator. Adrianna gives him an awkward hug and sends him off, after Carrie Fisher basically says the exact same thing she said last week. Now, we just have to get rid of talent-less Kenny and the show will have a bunch of mediocre directors, as opposed to a bunch of mediocre directors and Kenny.

Alright, first up is Will’s movie “Glass Eye”. And the night continues to be good. The movie is fun, funny, well shot, and well executed. A rare achievement for the show. In true form, the judges are terrible. Carrie Fisher comments on the lack of dialogue introducing Will to the concept of talkies. Because, apparently all movies must have all dialogue all the time. And movies can’t be funny without words. Wes Craven, tonight’s sane member of the panel, gives the only actual criticism, commenting on how Will could have better used color and black and white. Garry Marshall comments on how he wasn’t sympathetic with the main character because he wore a wife beater and Garry was afraid he was going to start beating Will’s wife in the middle of the movie. Great criticism Garry.

Next up is Jason, whose last movie proved how much America likes making fun of the mentally handicapped. His movie, “Blood Born”, about a man who’s blood can heal, was stylishly shot, albeit a bit clichéd. I kind of lost interest in it part way through. Missing the conclusion. Carrie actually comments on something I thought of as well, that, Jason, who’s intro proclaimed his Christian values in not depicting sex or violence on screen, has drugs on screen, and, according to them (I maybe missed it) a drive by. Craven makes the only good criticism again. Garry Marshall blathers on about something idiotic. I’ve somewhat learned to drown him out.

Third comes Zack. Can we just give the prize to him now and get Adrianna, Carrie, and Garry off the air? His short “Sunshine Girl” really kinda blows the others out of the water. Visually interesting, good effects, and an effective choice for the little girl. The judges all seem to love it. For once, I agree with them. Oh, and Garry doesn’t think you should trust British people in the dark. Thanks for that tidbit Garry.

Fourth is Mateen, with his short “Lost”. I actually really liked this one as well. Shot close up to convey the claustrophobic elements of the conversation (at least so I thought), it was well written, well acted. My only complaint is that it seems like part of a longer story. Carrie wishes more happened and that it had a third act. Because if its all dialogue, that’s not good for Carrie. Maybe Mateen and Will should team up and make Carrie happy. Wes Craven also wishes it was longer. Garry blathers on.

Last up is Jessie, who makes a horror movie for trees. Or maybe it’s just a guy cutting down a tree for three minutes. There’s a decent shot here and there, but overall, it’s pretty weak. The judges agree. Carrie has the most bizarro line of the night with: “That was my least favorite thing besides adolescence and being left by a man for a man.” O…k Carrie. Good to know. Wes Craven, a real horror director, thinks it’s probably scary for trees, but mainly its just a guy cutting down a tree, and that something like the tree should have attacked back. I don’t bother to listen to Garry, because Carrie filled the insane quota of this set of comments with her list of things she doesn’t like.

Well, that’s it. This was far and away the best group of 5 that we’ve seen. In fact, I'd go so far to say as tonight's batch was pretty darn good. So much for my "mediocre" prediction. I feel bad for Jessie, because her film was still markedly better than Hillary’s, Kenny’s, David’s, and a bunch of others. But she’s toast. Maybe in some freak accident America will vote out Adrianna, Carrie, and Garry, and bring back Chelsea Handler to host, and Michael Bay and DJ Caruso as judges. Maybe one of the directors will make that movie. I’d vote for them.

I'm Calling You Out: Adrianna Costa

Fox's movie-making reality show "On The Lot" is a trainwreck for so, so many reasons. Many of those are due to the format itself, but this post is not about those. There will probably be another post on that but this is a gripe aimed directly at one person. That's right Adrianna Costa, I'm calling you out.

How did you get this job? Seriously. You are just really, really bad at this whole hosting thing. Now you, as a person, I have no problems with. Sure, there's that whole "I'm gonna try to be exactly like Scarlett Johansson only more Latina" thing going on, but know what, I forgive you for that, because you are attractive. And you may do entertainment news for CNN alright. I've never seen you do it. I get my entertainment news online.

No. I'm calling you out because you are the worst host on network television right now. And this is after I just savaged Cameron Daddo of "Pirate Master" in my last post. You bring absolutely nothing to the show. Your purpose seems to be there solely to do things like hit on contestants like Trevor, and get awkwardly hugged by awkward contestants like David after awkward comments from judge Garry Marshall. And, this may not be your fault, but the whole delivery of eliminations thing is so tired out and lifeless (may be your delivery, may be the shtick itself).

So, Adrianna Costa, I'm begging you. Leave the lot. The show will still suck, but it'll be a little bit better. Unless they bring in Brian Dunkleman. Or Lauryn Sanchez. Or Cameron Daddo. Do you think Seacrest would be willing to do it?