Big Brother 7/10 Is Jenius Television

After a recap of the previous shenanigans, such as the enemy reveals and Jen freaking out over her photo, we’re left with three questions to ponder, re: the announcer. Who will win the veto? Will they use it? Will Eric accomplish his task? The question I have is, this early on, will anyone really care? Sitting around the table post nominations, Kail thinks that her nomination plan is foolproof. Amber is still bitching about that she’s a nominated mom. Carol very accurately figures out Kail’s plan. This is why I like Carol. She’s smart. Kail thinks she got off Scotch free. Well, she doesn’t appear to have any dark stains on you Kail, so I think you are Scotch free. Carol doesn’t want to fight against Amber, because she thinks Amber has just as much right to be here. Amber won’t stop crying in the confessional, but I can’t tell whether its joy or sadness, because Amber thinks God put her on the block to prepare her for the long haul. O…K Amber. Whatever you say. Jessica apparently knows the word “nonchalant”. Who knew? Carol and Jessica are both trying to outlast one another. As is everyone in the house. Some of these idiots are really starting to aggravate me.

Carol decides to appeal to Zach to campaign for her, and seemingly succeeds. Mrs. Robinson and her 3 Boys already seem to be plating hard. After that conversation, we get Kail and Dick talking in the backyard. Now this is an odd couple if I’ve ever seen one. But they seem to be bonding over parenthood. I wonder if Amber will be pissed at him if he nominates her as well. Our next segment involves everyone fawning over Nick. Except for Jen. She doesn’t like muscles, which is funny, because she’s obsessed with Nick on the feed. Nick runs down his list of favorite flirts, with Danielle, Amber, and then Jen. Jen, upon seeing Danielle and Nick flirting, shoots daggers at them, and proceeds to spread a rumor that Nick tried to kiss her. Wow. Jen is even more unstable than I thought she was. When Nick comes to confront her, Jen lies and stares blankly. Carol looks incredibly uncomfortable watching this. Carol, I keep growing fonder and fonder of you. Then Jen insists that he did. America, I think we’ve found the insane houseguest who will provide oodles of entertainment. Howie, you have been replaced. I doubt, however, that Jen will be able to call anyone “Busto.”

Before starting this section of the recap, I just have to comment about how creepy Julie Chen asking us if we like to watch is. But, on to the show. Jen asks Nick into the storage room, and admits that she’s jealous. Nick, if you have a pet rabbit, I wouldn’t let Jen know (That’s a Fatal Attraction reference for all of you). Jen then asks if she’ll kiss him later. Uh oh, everyone already appears to be over Jen. Her “Jen” shirts (Personally, I find Jenius funny, because she’s a vapid moron, but Hey, that may just be me), her Jen insanity, etc. Kail wants Carol gone, because she knows Carol is smarter enough to target her. Other possible targets include Danielle (though Evil would go through the roof), Joe (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE), and Jenuine Jenius Jen. Amber is talking to God again. I thought Kail was supposed to be this season religious nut. One is certainly enough. Amber is sure God is on her side. There’s something really ironic about the professed nymphomaniac praying to God to keep her in a game where the audience is asked if “we like to watch”.

Time to pick veto players. Kail gets houseguests choice, and chooses Danielle. Amber gets Jameka. Carol gets Nick. Kail picks Jessica to host the competition. I can’t stand Jessica’s voice, but Kail apparently can. Jen points out that she’s stuck in a room with 5 guys. Jen looks thrilled. Dick looks scarred. I’m more with Dick here. It’s veto hide and seek. Everyone gets a veto to hide. Danielle hides hers in the slop. Carol hides hers between Dick’s mattresses, hoping no one else will want to touch his stuff. Amber hides hers in a pillowcase. Kail under some tea bags. Nick under a mattress. Jameka in her hair extensions bag. Carol quickly finds Amber’s. Kail finds Nick’s second. Dick and Jen fight in the HOH room. After Dick tells Jen about how rude is was with the “don’t touch me” comment during the food challenge, Jen wonders why Dick is pissed at her. Jen, you are a comedic Jenius. Kail, meanwhile, is apparently tearing the house apart, much to Jameka’s chagrin, who actually takes time to put her dirty clothes away that Kail unceremoniously threw about. Eventually Danielle wins the veto, making Dick a proud papa. Amber immediately talks to Danielle in the hopes of getting herself vetoed and Jen nominated.

It’s time for our America’s choice challenge. Eric has to make up a traumatic story to tell a chosen houseguest, who happens to be Kail. Eric proclaims it a cakewalk. Eric pulls out all the stop, fake tears, sniffling. It appears to be something about a high school girlfriend with an eating disorder. Kail is eating out of his hand by the end. Kudos Eric, full success. For the first time this episode, we get Joe and Dustin drama. Joe recognizes Dustin as his arch nemesis. Dustin thinks this experience is good and could work in their favor, and apologizes for not cherishing their time together. Joe, for the first time, seems sincere and says thank you. Joe, Dani, and Nick all realize that Jen is unstable and needs to go. As good train wreck television Jen makes, I would rather see her go than Carol, who I’m now crushing on. She’s smart, she’s cute. If she were a little more bubbly and boisterous, I’d almost feel like we have another Janie on our hands. Janie, how I miss thee.

Danielle is grappling with what to do with regards to the veto. Kail is now really worried that Danielle’s gonna change her nominations, in which case, she plans to retaliate. Kail, what happened to your good Christian values? I mean, I know the whole Eye for an Eye thing, but you didn’t know whom to nominate, so you put them up. Now you know that everyone wants Jen out. Calm down. Danielle is happy to be the first owner of the veto, but opts not use to veto. Danielle doesn’t want to stir things up, but in a couple weeks, well see. Amber wants to walk out the door, (too long pause), the final week. I hope she leaves this week. Nothing against you Amber, but Carol kicks your ass. Plus, I think all the electronics in the house may interfere with your walkie-talkie communications with God. At least, that’s how I think you talk with him. Well, even so, just please leave. You’ll get better reception in a church.

Welcome Back: Sheriff Jack Carter

Tonight sees the return of Eureka, one of many shows that I like from the Sci-Fi channel (I’m a sci-fi nerd. I can’t help it; I just love most things in that genre). Eureka deals with the town of Eureka, Oregon. The town was created after WWII and stocked with the nation’s geniuses in the hopes of furthering the nation’s might through scientific achievement. In to this town of high IQs comes Jack Carter, a regular guy who happens to be a US Marshall, who accidentally gets stuck in Eureka. After proving himself and saving the town, he opts to stay and is made the new sheriff. In a town full of scientists though, things can go very wrong, with experiments wreaking havoc. And this is what the show does best. Jack is the layman in the town of super-intellects, but he always manages to solve the problem that the eggheads can’t solve. In this way, the show almost parodies the nerds (like myself) who watch it. It’s basically saying, “You may be all smart and knowledgeable, but all it takes is a jock to solve your problems.” I like a show that somewhat insults me. And I meant no sarcasm in that last sentence. It takes balls to say to your main viewer base that they need their antithesis to help them out. As Lou Grant would say, “You’ve Got Spunk”.

Adding to that, you’ve got a lot of quirky fun thrown into the show, for example SARAH, the smart house that Jack and his daughter live in, who also happens to have become emotionally attached to Jack. Top that off with some fun characters like the former space shuttle engineer turned town mechanic, or, my favorite, Deputy Jo Lupo, who is a great foil for Jack as a no-nonsense mocker of his feeble attempts to solve genius problems. Here’s hoping the second season is as much fun as the first.

When Talent Collides "On The Lot" 7/9

This week begins by showing us what our 5 directors had to work with this week, besides the tagline “When Worlds Collide”. The famous Universal backlot is home to our directors this week. But enough of that, its Adrianna Costa time. This week she’s in her shortest yet dress, a little purple number, and I mean the little part. Thanks Adrianna. But first, its elimination time. This week, Adrianna comes to bear the bad news alone, prompting this recapper to wonder whether Garry Marshall was finally institutionalized. Shira-Lee is our unlucky director this week, being booted for delivering a no-scares horror movie. That’s not all; two of this week’s 5 directors are going home. That’s very bad news for Hilary, and bad news for Shalini and Adam, because I would doubt Will and Zack are in any danger.

Speaking of Zack, he’s up first this week. His short, “Time Upon A Once”, is about one couple moving forwards and one couple moving backwards. I think. I’m not entirely sure. His concept confounds me a little. It’s certainly a visually arresting short, especially the little bit where the golden retriever is being pet backwards. That was really cool. As was seeing the dad from “Family Matters”. It was definitely worked better for its visual elements than its story elements. For instance, I didn’t quite think that the guy getting hit by the car fit very well. Carrie liked it like all of his other work. Guest judge Luke Greenfield (The Girl Next Door) thought it reminded him of something Spike Jonze would make. I agree, if the story was a little stronger. Garry Marshall likes dogs and wants everyone to remember peaches.

When we come back from break. Adrianna is chatting up our judges. Luke Greenfield wants us to follow our hearts, whereas Adrianna just wants us make sure we heard it. Then comes Hillary’s film. It’s a fable about donkeys set in the old west. Hillary is worried that her film won’t succeed. But then again, if it did, it’d be a first for her. It’s her best movie so far. The visual style is kind of aggravating, with all the soft-focus. There are one or two good jokes in there (particularly the girl turning Chinese). And she does show a wider range of shots, and less crude humor, which I was expecting (especially with a story involving a man and a tail). Carrie thought she improved a lot, but she needs to step up more and make something great. Luke thought it was wack, but in a good way, the way his mom would love. Garry quotes a mime.

We come back from commercial to see people entering our wildly fake theater. Adrianna and next week’s action movie directors are huddled around the fake concession, where Adrianna feeds Mateen popcorn and admits that she just touched his mouth. Will’s up next with his short “Spaghetti” about a couple that gets trapped in a spaghetti western. Will’s movie, despite a really weak performance from the lead actor, is pretty fun. It’s well shot, has a bunch of good dialogue (a first for non-talkie Will), and makes all the necessary cliché shots without coming off as cliché. Carrie is please that there’s dialogue this week. Luke liked it but wanted a little more punch at the end, using an analogy that involves anchovies. Garry doesn’t think Will looks Italian.

When we come back, Adrianna appears to be talking to an invisible friend. I wonder if that’s the one who keeps shortening her dress on commercial breaks. Shalini is up next, using special effects and Tatyana Ali. Shalini appears to be behind schedule, and is hoping she can get all her shots in time. Her short, “First Sight” is interesting. I actually really like it. Yeah, it’s a little ham-fisted in its pushing the message, but it was well-shot, both actresses did good jobs, and I liked the ending, although she signed a petition to help hungry children, not spare change. Carrie doesn’t like “message” movies because she finds them patronizing. Maybe Carrie just never signs petitions for hungry children. Luke felt like she was trying to brand him with the morality iron. Garry liked it because she was misunderstood. Garry also thinks that they play subtle in Connecticut. It’s very scary to me that Garry and I are the only two who see eye to eye on this one. Very scary.

Adam is up last this week with his short “Worldly Possession”, about a greedy suburban couple who get a military package. Adam is worried about his effects shots, just like everyone else. Adam’s movie is funny, his effects shots are great, and his actor’s performances are good to boot. The only problem I have is that the very beginning with the bumbling scientist wasn‘t very good. Carrie thinks it was the best movie of the night and provided a subtle message, glaring either at Garry or Shalini. I can’t tell. Luke loved it and thought it was well shot and the effects shots were great as well. Garry is moving to Connecticut. Good, he needs to learn subtle. Garry asks if Carrie would kill. Then he says he likes it when Adam’s people sing. Does that mean Jews? If so Garry, you’re not likely to find many singing Jews in Connecticut. I should know. I’m both Jewish and go to school there.

Adam was Carrie’s favorite. Zack was Luke’s favorite. Hilary was Garry’s most improved. That wasn’t the question Garry.

My rankings:
1) Adam. I really enjoyed it, and there weren’t many faults with it.
2) Will. Will’s first foray into dialogue was well written and shot.
3) Shalini. I liked it, I don’t know why, but I liked it.
4) Zack. It was good, but not up to the level I expected from him. Also, the more I think about it, the more it seems visually and possibly storily (is that a word?) lifted from Sci-Fi’s Eureka, a show that I like a lot better than On The Lot.
5) Hillary. A big improvement, but she really shouldn’t have made it past the first week. Claudia LaBianca was robbed!

Big Brother 7/8 Is A Chen Free Zone

After a very well edited recap of the entrance shenanigans, tonight’s edition of Big Brother begins. We get a little more detail on the enemies, such as the fact that Carol had been talking “smack on” Jessica. We then go back to Danielle, who’s case here is so far the most sympathetic, crying in the bathroom, explaining the beef between her and Daddy Dick, explaining his “mean friend” status, decrying his lack of a father-ness. Well, that was obvious looking at him. However, Dick goes to the bathroom and seemingly comforts Danielle, and comes off as someone who seems caring enough towards their offspring. We then cut to Joe and Dustin bickering. Dustin is definitely the one who comes off better of these two, Joe coming off as a bitchy, egocentric queen. Joe goes back bitching about his “immaculate” gonorrhea. I, and apparently the rest of the house, wish he would should his mouth. Carol and Jessica come last, and they come hardest. They seem to be plotting to play the rest of the house, and Carol comes off the better of the two, seeming saner and less conceited. And, like Jessica says, the curling iron hair works for her. We get the first HOH room, which looks oddly technical and doesn’t quite jibe with the rest of the Alice in Wonderland house. Amber is sad looking at Kail’s kids because she misses her own kids. What did you expect Amber? When the photo wall comes up, Jen starts crying because she’s never taken a worse picture. Jen plans to stand there and cover it until they change it. Jen, seemingly, cannot get over the fact that she looks fugly on the wall. Eric, meanwhile, thinks that Jen has proved herself incredibly unstable. This is why you’re America’s player Eric. You catch on fast…

When we come back from commercial, we get a little bit about Dick’s name-dropping tendencies, ranging from Madonna and Richard Gere to Survivor’s Jerri Manthey. It just keeps going seemingly, but every time Kail asks him about someone, he doesn’t know them. Next, we move on to Amber, who has “an amazing spirit” according to Dustin. That, or the perfect reality show combination of single mother, cocktail waitress, and Vegas. Amber’s family is apparently very dependent on her, which begs the question, why is she abandoning them for three months on the pittance that BB pays them. Mike and Kail seem to quickly align, and then they agree to draw Zach and Nick into their quickly formed alliance. While watching the spy-screen, they see Danielle “conversating” with her dad, and quickly decry her as untrustworthy. Zach is pleased with Nick being the forth person, because he sleeps next to him. Nick quickly dubs the alliance, Mrs. Robinson and her Three Boys. The move seems smartest for Kail, who very quickly has the three strongest men in the house backing her. Mrs. Robinson is here to play…

After the break, we get the food competition. At the couches, Dick has his arm around Amber. She’s seemingly had a hard enough life Dick. Do you really have to taint her more? Jessica, who is quickly becoming one of the funnies in the house, because she’s a raging idiot, decries it as “big bodies versus big hair”. Jen does not want Dick touching her. Good move Jen. Jameka also makes a funny, stating that during and after the competition, no one was going to be hooking up that night. Amber’s hair, the secret weapon of the red team, leads the red team to a resounding victory, giving the blue team slop for the week. Jameka is looking up to the slop. Oh, how wrong she will be. Very quickly, Jameka says that it stuffs, and declares that slop is most likely illegal in most countries. Dustin and Joe finally have a rational discussion, which Joe starts by saying this is his time, not their time. Dustin tells Joe that whenever he thinks about him, he “shakes like an epileptic in an arcade”, which I hope is from anger and not love. Joe goes back to the gonorrhea again, and Dustin comes off as more rational and more sympathetic yet again. Joe claims to have spoon-fed Dustin his life. Joe doesn’t believe that Dustin deserves Big Brother. Wow Joe. I hate you more and more every time I see you. Dustin, I hope you outlast him by a mile.

We’re back again, with another Dick and Danielle segment, where Dick tries to talk to Danielle, but she doesn’t speak back to him at all. Wow, I’m starting to like Dick a lot more than Danielle. She finally speaks, telling Dick he’s coming on too strong and needs to relax. Danielle realizes that working with Daddy is good game playing. Kail starts worrying about nominations. Mike seeks to advise her to put up the weak people from competitions. Kail thinks about putting up Joe because he’s a tough player. Eric is apparently the jokester of the house, and we are given our first America’s choice vote. We got to pick whom he should pour his heart out to. The one who I would vote for is Jameka. I wanna see a Jameka/Eric alliance for some reason. I think that might be a very funny alliance. This is kind of a lackluster choice for America though. We don’t really know anyone yet.

As we come back, Kail is retrieving the keys for nomination. Jen is scared she’ll be nominated. Joe is too. Dick is afraid Danielle’s gonna be nominated. Nick feels he’s safe. And we’re at the big table. Dustin, Jessica, and Evil (as Dick is called) are safe. Eric is first safe, then Joe, Zach, Danielle, Jen, Mike, Jameka, and Nick. Amber and Carol are our first nominees. Kail nominated them because they were the first couple knocked out of the HOH competition. Carol’s not pissed, but she realizes she has to fight. Jessica is happy because someone may do her dirty work. Amber is pissed because she’s a mom, and doesn’t think moms should nominate other moms. Kail is pleased with her nominations. Tuesday’s the veto competition (which already happened).

Avast Me Hearties! It Be Another Pirate Master Recap For 7/5

After another too-long recap of last weeks high-seas adventure, we see that everyone is starting to worry about the powerful male triumvirate in power, while Jay, still somehow playing everyone in this game, is very pleased that they have picked off all the strong guys except for Louie and Joe Don. Outside the captain’s quarters, everyone seems interested in the idea that 3 women in power could be an interesting situation. Unless it was Nessa, Jupiter, and Joy, I can’t see how this would be anymore interesting, seeing as how Laurel, Kendra, and Christa have the group excitement factor of a piece of soggy bread. At least Nessa, Jupiter, and Joy have created mildly interesting TV.

We come back with Joe Don, looking drunker than he ever did as captain, sees Azmyth (now sans British accent) as a terrible captain and hopes to get rid of him. Laurel is still pissed at Azmyth, calling him a superfreak in a blue coat. I wish the real Rick James were on the Picton Castle. This week’s treasure was hidden by the boatswain, who knew the real Picton Castle’s crew better than anyone else. Joy really wants to win, and she ends up on the much stronger looking black crew. This week, they must start by swimming through “treacherous waters” where it’s a race to be slowest between Joy and Kendra. Then they have to carry a rope ladder up a mountain and look for an old boat. Joy lags on the mountain trek as well, which also gets complicated because she’s reading the map for them. The black crew reaches the boat and then they have to go find some masts and undo a tricky knot. Seriously Pirate Master, a tricky knot is the hardest thing you can throw at these people? The red crew catches up to them at the mast. Azmyth, however, seems to find the tricky knot, not so tricky after all.

After the commercial, they have too cross a bridge and decipher some clues that will lead them to the treasure. Christa is apparently, “a Barbie doll on steroids”. The black crew is ahead reaching the bridge, which is “sketchy”. Both crews very quickly decipher the clues, and the black crew wins again with captain Azmyth. The red crew is disheartened because they didn’t even make it to the treasure site before it was found, and they failed at knocking captain Azmyth out of power. Joe Don has now had four losses in a row, and feels up against a wall. Meanwhile, the black crew’s win of 40 grand makes the black crew feel a little bigger in their britches. Azmyth seems to be questioning his equal shares policy, 60% for the officers, 40% for the others, because they earned it. Laurel tells of her distrust to their faces. Joy raises and eyebrow. Azmyth and his officers have decided to blackmark Joe Don and the two weak links Kendra and Joy.

Joe Don and Nessa are flirting outside on deck when Joe Don suggests a little peck on the cheek, an idea that Nessa seems to like, even though they show more of this in the preview from last week than they do in the show this week. Azmyth has no worry about mutiny, which, in Reality TV speak means that they will mutiny. Joy didn’t make an offer on the pardon, which she obviously now regrets. Jay already starts going around telling people to vote Joy off. Jupiter breaks it down into either Kendra, who brings no spice (as the viewers plainly see) or Joy, whom everyone loves. Louie, in a really poor choice of words, realizes he has to break his word and vote against a girl, since Joe Don has become his biggest ally in the fight against the blacks. Poor word choice Louie. Poor, poor word choice.

Host Not Jeff Probst rings the bell and thus begins this weeks exciting edition of “Pirates Court.” Azmyth reveals that he nominated Kendra and Joy because they suck at challenges and Joe Don because he has too dangerous for Azmyth to deal with. Joy uses the same “I may be weak but I never give up and I’m doing the best I can do.” Because that excuse worked so well for Alexis, Joy. Kendra doesn’t think her suckiness has caused her teams to lose. Joe Don admits that he is a threat and has it in for Azmyth, and seemingly threatens him, and calls him the remaining pirates hope, because Louie and the girls are not that great of a threat for the boys trio. Over slightly ominous music, we find out that Joe Don had a massive $12,000 bid for the pardon and wins it. There are still no ballots for mutiny. Joe Don had no need for the pardon, and he received not a single vote. In a 3-2 split, Kendra is safe and weak link Joy is cut adrift. Joy is pleased with what she put into the game.

Next week, Jay continues to manipulate everyone else in the game, Joe Don and Nessa get even friskier, and Louie and Joe Don are forced to do everyone’s week.

Welcome Back: The Chen-Bot

Tonight brings the return of summer’s most reliable guilty pleasure and every peeping tom’s dream show, Big Brother, with host Julie Chen, aka Chen-Bot. Viewers can always rely on Big Brother to have at least a few moments of must-see TV, whether it be one contestant threatening another with a knife, one contestant tearing into another with a tirade about her being a “busted-ass blonde bitch” (aka Busto), or all contestants flipping sides and backstabbing each other in a desperate attempt to keep their asses in the house. The house, which is more like a fishbowl, usually produces stir-craziness after a short amount of time, leading to hilarity watching these people’s mental states slowly deteriorating.

To help us understand these people’s diminished sanity, we have Julie Chen as our hostess-with-the-leastest. Delivering every line the same, Julie Chen has maintained her job thanks to loving husband and network head Les Moonves. But alas, the Chen-Bot is back and still is droning on.

This summer’s edition of BB, which CBS calls “the most surprising yet”, features 12 attractive young people and 2 others. The theme to this year appears to be rivals, meaning that a bunch of the people in the house will be each other’s sworn enemies. In certain ways, this is like their “ex-factor” twist, only with less chance for reconciliation and more chance for drunken screaming matches and bitchy drama. One of the already revealed pairs is Danielle (one of the attractive young ‘uns and a Hooters waitress) and Dick (one of the creepy older people), an estranged father and daughter. This could be interesting indeed. The other twist that America will have a player this year, meaning one houseguest whom America can control and manipulate to do their bidding, with financial incentives for answering to America’s beck and call. The other notable feature of this house is the house itself, a demented through-the-looking-glass abode with one bedroom too small and one bedroom too big. America, we are one step closer to “Tiny House” sponsored by Geico.

Some of the other housemates this season include two other attractive young women, Carol and Jessica, with connections to the same Dance Company in Kansas (gee, I wonder if they’ll be enemies). There’s Kail, a conservative mom from Oregon (our other old person). I wonder if she’ll clash with Dick, who wants to meet George Bush so he can kick him in the nuts. Also around is former Football player Nick, who, according to executive producer Alison Grodner, likes to walk around with his shirt off. Because that tends to be a rarity in the Big Brother house. Then there’s Jameka, who has apparently had very little to do with white people before this experience. Seeing as how she’s the only minority person, that could be interesting to watch. Evaluating the cast beforehand makes it seem like this could be a good edition, but only time will tell how our exhibitionists fare. All I know is I’ll be watching and figuring out a way to upload a virus to the Chen-Bot’s motherboard.

On The Lot on 7/3 Was Horror-Ble...

To all of you who groaned at this title, I understand. The pun was terrible. But I couldn’t resist myself. But the pun is still better than around half of tonight’s offerings. Adrianna Costa, looking incredibly demure, introduces our horror night. We go straight into our elimination. David realizes he’s not good at sexy stuff, Will is nervous because he didn’t hit a home run this week. Adrianna and Garry show up again. Adrianna reveals that David is the one who’s leaving the lot. I’m not shocked, but it really should have been Hilary going home. In a surprise to absolutely no one, our 6 horror directors are revealed: Shira-Lee, Sam, Mateen, Jason, Kenny, and Andrew. Adrianna introduces our judges, Tweedle Dee (Carrie), Tweedle Dum (Garry), and special guest judge this week, Eli Roth, who single-handedly made the “torture-porn” sub-genre popular with Hostel. He recently blamed the failure for Hostel 2 on piracy. I blame it on the fact that the movie stunk. Seriously, take credit for your work dude. It’s crappy, so is most of Hollywood. You could have just said that an On The Lot contestant helped you.

Kenny is up first. Kenny doesn’t care about blurry and bad camera angles, which leads to fights with his cinematographer. Well, it’s his best movie to date, but compared to “Wack Alley Cab” and “Emo Teen Goes Crazy”, that’s not hard. If anything, though, I’d say he didn’t go crazy enough on this one. This is the one-week where his eccentric style really could have worked, but instead, he does a cheesy horror-comedy payoff with Tatiana Ali as a zombie blogmaster. The actual attack was pretty well shot though. It could have used a better script as well; some of the dialogue was painfully bad. Carrie calls it his most accessible film, unlike his tie. Nice Carrie. She calls it “Gone with the Wind” for him. Eli Roth thought the buildup was better than the conclusion, but that the tone was really good. Garry wrote for the Rat Pack, and is glad he no longer lives in Malibu. He continues to pimp Adrianna out by telling her to hug him, which she describes as less awkward.

Sam comes next. Sam is working with children, animals, and puppets, breaking the rules of Hollywood. His puppet looks really creep though. Much, much better than Kenny’s film, it was properly atmospheric with another great attack scene. The main kids performance was believable, and the puppet was effectively creepy. The prologue doesn’t quite work though. Carrie disliked the prologue as well, but thought the rest was good. Eli Roth thought the attack was fantastic but that the prologue gives everything away and that the tag was weak. Garry loves solitude because his passions turn into monsters in the darkness of the mind. He also tells us that Euripides never made horror movies, and that Sam’s mother and dog are pansies.

Eli Roth and Adrianna both dislike blood. Adrianna assures us though, that the blood in Andrew’s movie is fake. Thank you Adrianna, we were really worried. Andrew’s up next. He’s afraid it’ll play comedic, but it doesn’t look like it could. Unfortunately, it plays completely like comedy. There is a complete lack of atmospheric scares, and the bumbling nature of his protagonist only serves to heighten the comedic aspect of when she goes all demonic in the end, Carrie liked it and that it was really entertaining, and that he normalized zombies. Eli Roth thought it was neither horror nor comedy and played like a “Got Milk” ad. Garry wants to know what’s on the TV. “On The Lot” is on Garry. I’m watching you on it.

Jason had to face a fear of working with kids. Because Sam’s kid wasn’t an actual kid. Hilary thinks that working with kids is a bad idea. I think that working with Hilary is a bad idea. It was a little too supernatural drama than horror. There was a really good atmosphere to it, and it veered in a different direction than I expected. I just wished the kid had been a little creepier. Carrie found herself scared for the first time, and that it was visually interesting, calling it her favorite movie so far. Eli Roth found that the mother strained credulity, and that it screwed him up. Garry thinks Sen and Sational are two different words. And he thinks everyone will have nightmares.

Shira-Lee is up next. She’s a first-time horror director and the only woman director doing horror. Shira-Lee is avoiding gore, and aiming for a psychological chiller. It’s pretty scare-less, and seems to build to nothing. The shot technique was good, but her lighting was entirely too bright. If you’re not going to have any obstacles for your actors, your ghost should at least be scary. Carrie wasn’t scared, but thought the lead actress was good. Carrie also points out that ghosts in the daytime aren’t nearly as scary. Eli Roth thought she overdid the music, and that the end payoff was good. Garry likes Al Gore.

Mateen is up last. Mateen is aiming for a new twist on the horror genre, everyday horror. Shalini is worried that people are either gonna love it or not be able to relate to it at all. I understand where he’s coming from, but to me, this doesn’t quite qualify for horror. It’s drama more than anything else, and carries a lofty political statement that doesn’t quite fit into this week’s material. Also, the story at times is hard to understand. It’s a premonition, right? Maybe not. Carrie thought it had a good look and good performances, but she didn’t quite understand it. Eli thinks the strength is in the performance, and that the audience is disconnected from the jumping P.O.V shots. Garry, for once, doesn’t come off like an idiot. He seems to have actually taken this one seriously. Mateen says he’s trying to take drama to a horror standpoint, but Eli responds that the problem was the audience’s disengagement.

Tonight’s group, in order:
1) Sam’s was the top of the field this week. His creature and performances were both good, and his film was well shot.
2) Mateen’s was second best, even though it didn’t quite fit the bill this week.
3) Jason’s was well shot, but the unconvincing mother and spiritual mumbo of it turned me off slightly
4) Kenny comes fourth, surprisingly enough. His movie had a good attack seen, was well shot, and was miles above Wack Alley Cab
5) Shira-Lee’s was only buildup with no big payoff. She was the real letdown this week.
6) Andrew’s wasn’t scary, had no buildup, and was over clichéd, which lands him on the bottom of the pile.