Pilot Review: Pushing Daisies

Pushing Daisies
ABC. Wednesdays at 8.
Cast: Lee Pace, Anna Friel, Chi McBride, Kristin Chenoweth, Swoosie Kurtz, Ellen Greene, and Jim Dale.

What can I say about Pushing Daisies? Well, one thing that I know I can say is that it’s the best pilot I’ve seen so far. I’m fairly confident that, even only having seen 4 pilots for next season, I can say that this will be the best show on primetime television next year, considering that spot was just vacated by the now unfortunately cancelled Veronica Mars. One last thing I can say about this pilot is that this is the best show I’ve seen since I saw the pilot for Veronica Mars. It may even be better. You may not realize, but that means A LOT from me.

The show is at its core about a man who can bring people back from the dead. He runs a pie shop called “The Pie Hole” and he doesn’t exactly have strong social skills. See, he discovered his power when he was a child but he also learned its caveats then, when, after bringing his mother back after an aneurysm, he killed his neighbor’s, who he had a crush on dad. Apparently, he can only bring them back from the dead for a minute, or someone else in the near vicinity drops dead in their place. But, when his mom kissed him that night, she dropped dead too. Because one touch means life, a second touch means death again. Seeing as how he killed his neighbor and his mom, he was sent away and now runs a pie shop. Until an enterprising PI found out about his power and started working with him to collect rewards. His latest one is for a girl who mysteriously died on a cruise ship. It turn out that the victim is his old neighbor, Chuck (a girl, not a guy), who he keeps alive for more than a minute. He and Chuck still have feelings, but they can’t touch.

While my summary of events and the show’s premise may not have been good, the show certainly is. This is the most visually lush thing I have ever seen on a major channel. Watching this is like entering a painted world, where colors hint at everything from mood to personality. And the fantastic (as in fantasy related, all though it is fantastic to look at) backdrop is perfect because the show plays and feels like a fairy tale. Every note just hits right. Lee Pace feels perfect as Ned, and his chemistry with Anna Friel’s Chuck is endearing and feels completely true. Chuck’s two aunts (Kurtz and Greene) with matching personality disorders feel so right at home in this universe that you can’t help but find them hilarious. Chenoweth as The Pie Hole’s only employee hits every note right with her performance. Jim Dale’s narration makes it seem even more like a fairy tale. McBride is the weakest link, but he still makes you enjoy his morally ambiguous character. The dialogue is snappy, as would be expected from Bryan Fuller, who created two of my other favorite shows of the last five years (Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me). Barry Sonnenfeld’s pilot direction is superb, as is the show’s cinematography, which makes every color and set pop on screen. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing I dislike
about this pilot, which is why it gets:

Rating: You Must Watch This Show

On The Lot 8/7. Could Garry Marshall Be Sane and/or Lucid?

Adrianna is still here tonight, which is the most fascinating part of the show considering she’s so bad, and she immediately jumps into last week’s results. No one feels totally safe this week, which is apt because everyone kinda sucked last week. Adrianna shows up wearing something that looks like it was ripped from an 80 year old Floridian’s window. The bottom two vote getters were Sam and Zach. Our eliminated filmmaker is surprisingly Zach, which is interesting because a few weeks ago I would have said that betting on Zach for the win would be easy money. I guess this opens the door for a Will Bigham win. Zach gives a tearful goodbye and walks off into the poorly lit backlot. Will apparently is thinking the exact same thing I was, and saying that he has to step up his game now. Adrianna introduces our remaining directors, but I’m too distracted by the now clear fact that Adrianna is not wearing a bra. I know this, because two of her friends are poking out. We’re introduced to our regular judges, Carrie and Garry, aka Dumb and Dumber (You can pick which one is which) and special judge F. Gary Gray, who rocketed Chris Tucker to comedy superstar. Question: When did Chris Tucker become a comedy superstar? And if he did, didn’t it come with “Rush Hour”, not “Friday”? Tonight is the America’s logline challenge, where everyone has to make a movie about a guy in a dress waking up and not realizing why he’s in a dress. Sounds like hilarity will ensue.

Will is up first, and he’s doing a business comedy take on the logline. He wants his film to feel like a Coen Bros. film, and he’s now apparently including dialogue, which worries me because he does do a lot better with silent films. His film is cute, but not particularly entertaining. It’s true that it has a lot of dialogue, but a lot of his film is predictable. There are a few good jokes still in there though, especially when the secretary realizes she’s wearing the same outfit as the boss. Carrie thinks there’s a lot of dialogue. Great observation Carrie! She liked it, especially because there was a non-feminized man in a dress, her favorite type. F. (or is it Gary) thinks the film was strong, but there may have been too much music. Garry tells us that he’s himself. Good to know Garry. I’d hate to think of imposters running around pretending to be Garry Marshall. Will makes a joke about wearing a dress. It’s as obvious as his movie’s punchline.

It’s that time of the episode where Adrianna sucks up to the guest director, asking for any advice for the directors. He tells them to be passionate about their work. Sam is up next, and his film also has an office setting. I personally think this is one of Sam’s best movies from a film standpoint. He’s clearly trying to riff on “Saw” and I like his twist on the “Saw” concept, even if it is reminiscent of a movie like “9 to 5”. It’s also really well shot and lit. My only quibble would be that the very end doesn’t really make sense to me. Did cross-dressing turn him gay? Is that what Sam’s trying to say? Because if that’s the case, I’ve got a bunch more problems with the film. Carrie also thinks it’s derivate of “9 to 5” and “Saw” and that he didn’t make it original enough to be an homage. F. thinks it’s tonally two different movies and he didn’t reconcile them well enough. Garry says, “What do I know?” I wonder the same thing Garry. I don’t give credit though. Garry, surprisingly enough makes the most interesting comments on Sam’s film. I’m just too lazy to make Garry seem sane.

We get to meet the creator of tonight’s idiotic logline, and we get to see why everyone really wants to win. I’m guessing because they wanna make movies. That may be going out on a limb, but I’m confident in my guess. Adrianna asks the remaining directors some questions, because apparently there is time to kill. Will tries to keep his mind of the prize and on making movies. Sam dreamed he would make the final four. Jason picks Adam as his biggest competitor, before backtracking and saying everyone. Adam deserves the prize because he works hard. Were these questions supposed to make me dislike the directors even more? Because that was the effect. Adrianna pimps V-Cast’s tie in with On The Lot. I wonder whether V-Cast executives are cringing every time they’re associated with this trainwreck. I would be.

Adam is up next with his movie about a soldier who wakes up in a dress in a strange house. It’s his most complicated film yet. I’m utterly confused by this until the last 30 seconds, when I suddenly realize that it’s an inventive movie with a pretty cool concept. That being said, until the last 30 seconds, this definitely falls into “Wack Alley Cab” territory (Kenny’s first week movie that was truly incomprehensible and abysmal). Once those 30 seconds hit though, it’s great, especially the end punchline. Carrie calls it innovative, freaky, and fantastic. Carrie then repeats those words, and basically calls it a movie for stoners. F. calls it brave and calls it Fellini-esque. He says though, that it sags a little in the middle. Garry calls it funnier than a 19th century Scandinavian drama. He also used the word “crotchsicle” I die a little inside.

Jason is up last, and considering he’s made fun of the mentally handicapped and Asians, I don’t expect his cross-dressing movie to be anything less than offensive. He says it fits into his “fun, crazy” style. He’s apparently changed his ending multiple times. Oh, and he now says in his video package that his biggest competition is Will. Well, it’s not as offensive as I expected, but it’s still not very good. It’s very basically shot and it doesn’t boast any real laughs. In fact, any of his larger intended laughs seem to come from gay jokes, which is a problem, because most gay-hysteria jokes died in the early 90s. Just ask “I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry.” Carrie says that he has a signature style, and that his films always have a nice spirit and humor, even though she doesn’t quite like his style. She calls it very good though. F. says he’s getting better, citing technical improvements, but says it was maybe a little too safe. I don’t quite catch Garry’s comments because about fifteen words into his criticism I realize that he’s actually making strong comments and critiques and my jaw dropped to the floor.

Carrie liked Adam’s the best. So did F. And Garry makes three, giving Adam the sweep.

My Rankings:
1) Sam- I thought his was well shot and executed.
2) Adam- He definitely gets points for his awesome ending, but its not great until the end.
3) Will- Cute but predictable. I’ve seen better from Will. Much better.
4) Jason- How is he still here? He’s a very basically technical director whose stories are never really great.

Hey, You! Yeah You! Person Reading This Blog!

Hey anyone who's reading this,

As the blog is getting bigger (in terms of number of posts, visitors, etc.), I was wondering if you, the readers, had any suggestions. I seek to please with this blog, and, well, if something I'm doing is against your fancy, please comment here and give me a suggestion on how to improve it. Do you like the stream-of-consciousness lite version of writing? Do you want to see more shows covered (Believe me, this is coming anyways)? Do you want shorter recaps? For you Big Brother recap readers, do you want more Jentences? Any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm just a TV fan, posting my reactions and recaps and any other "r" words that are currently slipping my mind pertaining to this blog. Thanks in advance for commenting, and, even if you don't comment, well, thanks for coming here and reading what I have to say. Or, even if you're not reading anything, thanks for coming. I hope the experience of looking at my blog for a few seconds was enjoyable. Or, if you're not even coming here, then you won't be reading this, so I feel free to say, you suck. Thanks (to the readers, not the non-readers. They still suck),

Nate Levy

PS: The new posts are below, at least until August 5th.

Big Brother 8/5. A Banner Episode...

Previously on Big Brother, Eric targeted Nick despite America’s wishes, and eventually got him evicted, causing Danielle to huff and whine. Oh, and Dick lived up to his name regarding Jen, which also brought on a huffy fit from Danielle. Oh, and Amber cried. A lot. Like a lot, a lot. Oh, and we left midway through an HOH competition. They’re hanging upside down like bats getting pelted with shaving cream guano. Everyone’s just hanging out when suddenly Amber takes a tumble at the six-minute mark. And she’s crying seemingly, at the 4-minute mark of the show. Good work Amber. Kail says her faith made her hang on. I wonder whether God’s rooting for her or Jameka. Eric is DQed at the 9-minute mark. Jameka falls at the 10-minute mark. The fallen players are all talking about Nick’s speech to Danielle, saying that it effectively ended her real world relationship. Everyone is upset by relieved to see Nick gone. Except Eric. Who they’re apparently trying to make look more insane. That’s the only explanation for the haircut and change in editing. But we’re back to the hangings. But what’s this? A banner plane! Giving away secrets about the game! That says that Amber and Eric are liars. Amber claims that she can never ever lie, and then begins bawling. Eric is flipping out about the banner. Those affected parties and their cohorts are freaking out. Everyone’s seen the banner. Dani says that a light popped on in her head, and she put everything together. I doubt that. Zach drops out of the competition and Jameka is relieved. Dick drops out and is very pissed. This leaves Jess, Dani, Kail, and Jen. People are shouting words of encouragement to the players. Interesting that they don’t show Dick and Eric hurling foul insults at Jen and Kail like they were. Jess is the next one to drop off. Dani feels a really heavy weight on her shoulders. I think a feather would be a very heavy weight for Danielle though.

Can I just comment on how creepy that commercial of Julie Chen asking us if we like to watch is? Oh wait, here’s Dick hurling insults at Jen and Kail. He really is foul. Danielle’s not sure if she likes her dad’s strategy, but he seems to. He insults Kail as a Christian, which pisses Jameka off. Jen is now fighting back, bringing up that Dani is kind of an adulterous whore. Dani huffs. She’s so predictable. Jen is trying to deal with Dani, but Dani and Dick lay into her again. Eric is jumping now to attack Jen as well, trying to restore peace by yelling at Jen. Dani says that that was nice. New showmance a brewing? Jen drops out due to leg pain. Kail is now trying to deal with Danielle. Danielle won’t listen. Dani whines that Kail already has it. Kail makes a deal to be nominated but not evicted. Kail is officially the stupidest player of the season. Dani is so happy and Dick has puppet master in his eyes. Kail is crying because she couldn’t win. Eric is happy that Danielle won but is still freaking out about the banner. Jen is happy to be nominated again, because her replacement is usually the one to go home. Danielle proclaims that she wants to spice things up. Danielle is crying and huffing that they could have kept Nick. She keeps crying and huffing and Amber joins for a little bit before figuring out that neither of them were the other vote to keep Nick. Amber is immediately repeating what Danielle accused her of to Eric and Jameka, thus proving that the banner is true. Amber keeps swearing on her children and god that it wasn’t her. Jameka is thinking that something is tricksy here. I wonder if it’s a tricksy hobbit. Eric is looking really weasely nowadays and he is playing damage control like nobody’s business after the banner.

OOH! Shiny key! It means its time for a new HOH room, and we see the houseguests seeing Chris for the first time. Jen is pleased because all the pictures of her and Chris prove what an adulterous whore she’s been with Nick. Oh, and there’s a picture of Dick’s mom and Danielle, which makes him tear up. Danielle and Dick almost start strategizing the second the door shuts. Danielle is whining about Nick getting evicted again. Danielle has seemingly figured out that Eric is the leak in the alliance, which is actually wrong. He’s the vote but not the leak. Dick is downstairs and Eric tries to figure out what they know. Eric is pushing that the vote was Jen, but he’s pushing it a little hard. Dick is now convinced that Eric is the leak. Dick is sure he’s figuring out who and why, and it’s not Colonel Mustard with the Wrench in the Conservatory. His theory is blatantly wrong, which makes this a very funny strategy. They very stupidly go to Eric’s closest friend and tell her everything. Jessica tells the relatives that she’s with them. We then cut to her asking Eric if he was the vote, which he denies. Jessica tells Eric their idea, their plan, and everything. Eric is a small, angry man and he rages against Dick and Danielle in the diary room while making his newly found serial killer face with Jessica. It’s time for our America’s Choice question, where we can make Eric promise to take someone to the final two with them. Looks like BB is trying to screw Eric over even more than before.

We come back to spooky music and its in regards to Jen trying to talk to Danielle. Jen rallies for her and Kail to be nominated again. Jen is trying to smooth things over, and kind of lying, but she seems at times sincere. They have a small idiotic conversation about the mystery vote. It’s time for America’s choice task for Eric, who has to get Jen nominated again. Seriously, what’s with all the Jen hate? She’s done nothing to you but provide you entertainment. Eric, Dustin, Jameka, Danielle, and Dick are talking about the mystery vote and Dick accuses him of trying to sweep it under the rug. Eric’s excuses are starting to run dry, and Dick begins his rager of the episode. Surprisingly it’s not at Jen but at Eric. He yells at Eric at rages about the hammock. We get only one shot of the other group of houseguests, whose reactions are priceless. You should find the video of them. It’s where Zach figures out he has a ringworm. Surprise houseguests!

It’s nomination time and there’s little to no drama, because everyone know who’s going up. Dustin, Eric, Jameka, Amber (ugh), Dick, Jessica, and Zach are all safe, and surprise surprise Jen and Kail are the nominees. Déjà vu all over again as Yogi Berra would say. Everyone claps as Jen and Kail are nominated together for the third straight week. Kail gets the “you’re a competitor” excuse and Jen gets the “you asked for it” excuse. Kail still thinks she’s just a pawn even though this makes the third time. Jen’s just having funny. Danielle tells us to expect the unexpected with her veto plan. I say that unless she nominates Julie Chen, I won’t be surprised.

So You Think You Can Dance 8/2. Two More Cuts, 30 Minutes Wasted...

Our opening number is apparently a Matrix-inspired Shane Sparks hip-hop routine. It also appears to have a hint of vogueing in it. I wonder how Madonna feels about Shane Sparks stealing some of her moves. I can’t focus very long though, because I’m pretty sure Shane has black holes instead of eyes tonight. Oh wait, those are just sunglasses. I still am not sure. On to our Jidges, whoever they may be. To my knowledge, we’re talking to our judges, who first mention the bridge collapse thing, then talk about their dancing careers dying. Nice terrible transition Nigel. But he interrupts himself to mention the tour, and tells them to buy through Fox.com instead of other people. Nigel points out that they can’t dance forever, citing that Adam turned into, with the exception of Hairspray, a crappy movie director (Cheaper By The Dozen 2 anyone?). He says that they should only do it if they really really want to. Like, for reals. Nigel makes a bad joke, tells Cat she looks like Katharine Hepburn (which she doesn’t). She asks Mary if a girl could win this season, and Mary says that a girl could absolutely win. I honestly don’t see a situation where either Sabra or Lacey or doesn’t win.

Immediately, we jump into the bottom 2 reveals, but first, it’s time for us to realize how they kill an hour. Everyone does solos! Yay for wasting time when this could be a half hour!

Sara: Sara does an energetic B-girl routine, but it’s not spectacular like some other breaker routines we’ve seen.

Lacey: I’m not sure what Lacey’s own style of dance is, unless it’s mediocre dancing with floor slides. She doesn’t go ballroom until the last 5 seconds.

Sabra: Sabra grabs the attention, using the full stage for a sexy little solo with a lot of spinning and leg stretching.

Lauren: Lauren does alright, but it’s nothing particularly special. It seemed like it could have been from any amateur performance. There’s nothing that screams professional.

Neil: Neil does the same thing he always does. It’s a lot of twirling a trick leaps. I honestly don’t get why people keep dishing love to Neil. He does the same frickin’ thing.

Danny: If anyone had any question, this proves that Danny is the best dancer in this competition. He moves so gracefully it’s just an incredible pleasure to watch.

Dominic: Well, that just blew Sara out of the water. Dominic is fun, energetic, and does amazing tricks, especially where he intertwines himself with a plastic chair.

Pasha: Pasha goes the Dmitry route, doing a shirtless routine. It involves a lot of cape twirling but not a lot of dancing. I’d prefer dancing, although the cape is fun to watch.

Now, it’s time to get down to business. We get reviews of everyone’s performances last night, and, unsurprisingly, Sara and Lauren are the bottom two girls. Mary says that she’s not surprised and compliments both. It’s the guys’ turn. Reviews abound, and Dominic and Neil are sent to the bottom two. Adam reminds them that they both made the top 8. Dominic grabs hold of Cat and won’t let go. My viewing mate thinks this is cute. I find it mildly funny. We get a performance from One Republic, which seems horribly mismatched with this show in that it involves no movement whatsoever on stage. I mean, it’s completely stationary. 3 of the freaking performers are sitting down. They did a dance to this song earlier in the season. They did a lot of performances to songs that people can perform and dance to as well. Poor choice SYTYCD.

We come back and it’s eliminatin’ time. I predicted that Lauren and Dominic would be going home. After 8 million votes, I’m wrong on at least one count. Sara is our girl sent packing. She gets clip packaged to the side of the stage and it’s time for the guys. The guy going home is Dominic, meaning both of our last breakers are booted in one fell swoop. Dominic takes the opportunity to grab hold of Cat again. Nigel compliments Dom and Sara for not making fools of themselves in the press like many other young celebrities. I’m pretty sure that everyone just looked at their TV and went “What? How in God’s name do Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton’s antics relate to So You Think You Can Dance?” The answer. I don’t know. Cat compliments them on making farther than any other breakers ever on the show. Dominic grabs hold of Cat again and mugs for the camera. At least he’s going out the way he’s been. As soon as she can, Cat walks away as the group huddles around them and offers consoling hugs. Aw.

Big Brother 8/2. Did God Want Everyone To Get Haircuts?

Previously on BB8, no one cared that Mike left, people cared that someone voted to keep Mike, Jen emoted, Jameka saw God in a ping pong ball, Amber cried repeatedly (no surprise there), Dick yelled at Jen (no surprise there), and Jameka did God’s work, threatening Danielle’s reason to be a whiny brat. It’s time for our weekly dose of the Chen-bot, who starts talking about God, making me ponder questions about whether God is in the machine (the Chen-Bot). Apparently, they’re calling Jameka’s god-craziness divine intervention. As much as I like Jen, I wouldn’t exactly call it divine intervention. We’re treated to the monotone end to the veto meeting, before we launch into Nick as his creepy mustache pondering why he was nominated. Amber can be seen crying on the couch making it 5 minutes before we see fresh Amber tears. Kail is shocked by the move, especially that Amber was able to support it through tears. Kail is shocked by the number of people who supported Dustin’s move. Nick confronts Danielle about whether she knew and she immediately huffs and hides her face in her hands. I wouldn’t expect anything less from her. Nick says again he’s looking out for Danielle. Nick is trying to figure out what exactly happens, and asks Dick and Eric, who stammers and tries to avoid getting blamed. Zach comes out but Nick banishes back into the house, prompting Zach to say, “I thought I was close to you dude.” Amber is crying again, marking 7 minutes as the time it took Amber to cry twice. Nick asks if she knew what happens, and she immediately lies to him and blames Dustin. Amber tells Nick she loves him so much, which prompts the question why lie blatantly to him. Danielle is at least telling the truth in that she tried her huffiest to keep him from getting nominated. Nick swears on his life that he wasn’t the second vote to evict Kail, but that’s apparently not enough for Danielle, who huffs again, pissing Nick off, who storms away from her. He goes to confront Dustin, who is standing over a crying Amber comforting her (that makes 3 times in 10 minutes America), asking if he thought Nick was gonna bitch and cry about it. I couldn’t think of a more apt place to ask than in front of a crying Amber. But enough Amber crying, it’s time for Dick to attack Jen again. This is the first of three over-the-line attacks that he launched at her that night, using words like “scumbag” and telling her to “go f**k herself”. He talks about how self-centered she is and how bad a person she is for crying after being nominated. She plays it off and doesn’t let him get to her. Good for you Jen. Danielle is in the bathroom whining to Eric when Jen comes in and apologizes to Danielle for having to deal with Dick for her entire life. This pisses Danielle off, because how dare someone point out that her father’s a total douchebag. Oh wait, Danielle has done that earlier this season. It’s amazing how memories slip Danielle. Nick is apparently really angry, because we go to him shaving his head with no precedence. Even though the producers made him delay it for two weeks. We cut back downstairs to Danielle now huffing about how Jen is mean to her. It’s turning into a real catfight, and now Nick, newly mohawked, comes in and calls Jen a dumb bitch. Danielle is huffing and puffing but god forbid someone attack Jen that’s not Dick, so he jumps in on the attack, pouring tea on Jen’s head after Jen points out that Danielle stole her boyfriend from an engagement, and she’s now cheating on him. Nick now launches into her, and Jen just continues to deflect it, which just proves that she’s a better person than either member of that family. What really pisses me off is how this is completely edited from the feeds. On the feeds, Dick was a lot more foul to her, going way beyond the line to the point that Jen felt threatened and the entire house basically got pissed at Dick and vowed to Jen to protect her if he goes any farther. But God forbid the show depict Jen but anything as a vapid bitch and Dick as a fun guy. Amber is crying again while discussing how her crying may screw her over later in the game. I ponder that statement and finally think that Amber has no handle on the concepts of irony.

Nick doesn’t want to campaign, which he tells Amber while campaigning to stay in the house. Now its time for Eric shaving his head, joking about how Eric will now be the new house Casanova. But it’s time for our America’s player shenanigans, and Eric has to try to get Kail evicted, which throws a wrench into his plans. Eric is disappointed that they don’t value his strategic input. Eric starts bashing Kail in front of everyone. Will it be enough? I doubt it. Eric tries to do it again in the LNC crew meeting, although he’s just playing Devil’s advocate. Danielle and Dick apparently, now that Nick seems to indicate that he would be with them, are thinking they shouldn’t go with the group anymore. Julie immediately asks about Nick’s new do. Amber compliments I and manages not to cry for the first time tonight. Eric says he’s not trying to emulate Nick. Jen was unfazed by the tea incident because she’s used to Dick. Dick won’t apologize, and he still acts like what he didn’t wasn’t a douche-tastic move. Jameka hopes that God put her in the house to win.

It’s time for our chat with Dustin, where he apologizes for putting Jameka in a compromising position but is happy he was greedy because now he’s got 5 grand and a trip to Barbados. He mentions that Dick can go too far at times, but he doesn’t really care, because Dick takes the brunt of everyone’s anger then. It’s time to plead their cases. Kail likes everyone and looks forward to more good times. Nick acknowledges that he knows he’s going home and addresses Danielle, telling her that she screwed up his strategy because he became smitten with her. He thanks her for their time in the house and says it will be hardest walking away from her. I’m guessing a lot of girls swooned at that. I rolled my eyes. It’s votin’ time. Jen votes to evict Nick. Zach votes to evict Kail. Jameka votes Nick because God wants her to, I’m guessing.

So far it’s 2-1 to evict Nick. Eric is forced to evict Kail, and says the tried to evict Kail but can’t promise anything. Jessica votes to evict Nick. Amber votes to Nick, and looks to be on the verge of tears. No surprise. Dick votes to evict Nick, officially evicting him. Danielle votes to evict Nick as well, suppressing tears. Amber is crying now, even though Danielle is mostly holding it together. Nick hugs everyone, kisses Danielle on the cheek, and walks out to the great Julie Chen in the sky. Julie immediately starts asking Nick about the showmance, and he says its up to Danielle. Julie asks Nick who the second Kail vote was last week, he blames Jen. But Julie enlightens Nick to the America’s Player twist, and he seems to smile about it. The goodbye messages involve Zach asking Nick for a beer, Kail telling him that it should be Zach, Dick telling him he shouldn’t have kept his alliance secret, Amber crying, and Danielle crying less and telling him that he means more to her than he thinks.

It’s time for the HOH competition, and everyone is sent to the backyard after a day of indoor lockdown. It’s an endurance competition involving sitting on a metal pendulum. A large number of houseguests laugh at how lame the competition seems so far. It’s time for our America’s choice question, where we can yet again vote on whom we want nominated. I’m splitting my votes between Amber and Dick. I now hate both of them pretty much equally. Watching this I’ve got a great idea for an endurance competition. Since so many people call them hamsters, why not give each of them a hamster wheel and they have to move it at a certain speed to stay in the game. Last one standing wins. That’d be pretty fun. Now we get a twist in the HOH competition. Everyone has to hang upside down. One more twist is that they have to get pelted with shaving cream that’s supposed to be bird poo. Oh Big Brother, you so funny. Bird poo. Hilarious.

Readers, I've Got A Fever, And The Only Cure Is More Celebreality

I have a confession to make. My name is Nate, and I’m an alcoholic. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the fact that my name is Nate, and I’m a Celebreality addict. VH1 is my dealer, and I couldn’t be happier about the situation. I have become dependent on Celebreality for my fix of trash, and boy does it ever fulfill my need. Keeping in mind the trashy comedic brilliance of shows like Flavor of Love (FLAVA FLAV!), I Love New York (I do, and always will have love for New York), and Charm School (I’m now terrified of Monique), VH1’s newest variety and possibly it’s crown jewel, Rock of Love, has pushed me over the top, forcing to me to proclaim from the rooftops “I Love This Show!”

This is not to say that I love “Rock of Love’ anymore than any of VH1’s other fine offerings. I love them all equally, like a parent loves a child. But Rock of Love is my current Celebreality drug of choice, which is why this is the subject of this post. When I Love New York 2 comes on (Please God, let it be soon), it will get many a post as well. If and when Charm School 2 comes on (Flavor of Love Girls vs. Rock of Love girls, perhaps?), it will get many a post. But for now, Rock of Love has the spotlight.

I honestly don’t think you could get any trashier than Rock of Love, and that’s the way I like it. I think more alcohol has been consumed in the first 3 days of Rock of Love than in the entirety of the first season of I Love New York. I think more alcohol has been consumed in the first three days than in the entirety of America’s frat houses the past college year. And boy, does it get these girls riled up. I mean, when discussing alcohol and Rock of Love, immediately Tiffany comes to mind.

In the first 5 minutes of the first episode, Big John, Bret Michaels’ friend and security, eliminates 5 girls, one of them being Tiffany.
But Tiffany came all the way out here, she even got a hat (She reiterates this repeatedly) and she’s not leaving this easily. So she bangs on the door and refuses to leave. The producers, seeing gold in this woman, allow her to stay. What does she do? What all the other girls did when they first entered the house; Make a beeline for the bar. Tiffany, figuring she has to catch up, gets beyond plastered, starts picking fights with the other woman (who are also all drunk), gets on the stripper pole conveniently located in the middle of the living room, and slurs her way through the rest of the episode. At about the 30-minute mark, VH1 begins subtitling her. By the end of the episode, it’s pretty much all “?????????” with the exception of her repeated phrase “Don’t threaten me with a good time”. She barely survives that night’s elimination, probably solely because the producers realized what amazing TV this woman could provide, and the next day she realizes she’s drunk too much. But it’s time for their first challenge, where the ladies, in front of one another, have to have phone sex with Bret and the three ladies who do best win dates with Bret. Now, this is all measured by Dr. Roy (who, the show tells us, is not an accredited doctor) and his machine that measures the blood flow to Brett’s wang. Yes, you read that right. This competition worries Tiffany. What’s the best way to get rid of those worries? You guessed it. Get plastered. Tiffany is a complete mess on the phone, tips Bret off that it’s her by telling him not to threaten her with a good time, and receives her third strike. She’s eliminated that night and I cry a little, because I don’t have anyone to threaten with a good time anymore.

But Tiffany isn’t the only trainwreck there. She’s just one of many, many trainwrecks. I mean, there are Brandi C and Christia who think that they should be best friends and sisters because they’re blonde and have big boobs.

Seriously though, if everyone in this house who had big boobs acted like siblings, this would be a dysfunctional family reunion. Not to be outdone in the boob department though, you have a contestant like Erin, who even the other big boobed girls say has “clown tits”. That’s a direct quote.

And I guess Erin’s clown tits scare them (I’m even a little scared by them. I think if I got too close they could swallow me like quicksand) because, as she’s telling some of the girls about an ex-fiancée, contestants like Heather are thinking that she shouldn’t be there because she has a fiancée. Not an ex-fiancée, they’re sure, because they only have selective hearing, that she has a fiancée. I’m wondering if it’s an ex-fiancée because he left her or because he got swallowed up by them things on her chest.

And the final match up of note is between Lacey, a member of PETA, and Dallas, who only wears animals and eats them. This is a fun one folks. You see, Dallas used to have a bunny rabbit, but she has rabbit skin coats. I bet her neighbors are wondering what happened to that giant litter of Dalmatian puppies they had. She also tells Lacey that if an animal were in the room right now, she’d slit its throat. Lacey is mortified, as is most of America. But the next episode, there’s a showdown between Lacey in a PETA shirt and Dallas in every dead animal in the house. Lacey’s now pissed, so she tries to get Dallas to slug her and get her kicked off the show. She’s really antagonizing her and the other woman somehow manage to see through their drunken hazes and realize shits about to go down.
So as Lacey’s about to confront Dallas on a flight of metal stairs (Good Thinking Lacey!), Rodeo, who I’m about 75% sure is actually a man, steps in, puts Lacey in a chokehold, and wrangles her to the floor. And I didn’t even have to pay 8 dollars to watch it.

So you see, Rock of Love is just about as trashy as you can get. And I love it for that. Where else can you find woman who wake up after a night of heavy drinking, make their way to the in-house bar, and make a giant batch of Fuzzy Navels? Nowhere America. Well, besides The View.

PS: I just read that casting has begun on not only a third season of Flavor of Love, but also a second season of Charm School featuring the Rock of Love girls. Dreams really do come true.