Big Brother 7/19. Amber Makes It A Whole Hour Without Crying.

We begin this week’s installment with a recap of all this past week’s drama, with phrases like “At the nomination, the queen bee stung her biggest threats.” Big Brother, are you taking the Chen-Bot’s script advice? That fight last time was awesome, and it’s still awesome during this recap. Danielle removed herself from the block and the house turned some weird lilac-tone. Outside the house though things are in full color, and by color, I mean boring and bad hosting. Chen-Bot, whose hair I’m now sure is big because its full of mechanical secrets, warns us that anything can happen, and then launches us into another battle in the house. Inside, we’re still lilac, but that only lasts through the veto ceremony. Joe kind of knows he’s screwed going up against Dick. Joe tells us he’s not a dour rain cloud who’s gonna bring everyone down (cough cough Amber) and he’s not going to bitch like the girls last week (cough cough Amber). Joe is playing hard to save himself. Already it’s time for our America’s player information. Apparently, America wants Joe evicted. Good America, you’re starting to redeem yourself for all the anti-Carol nonsense. Dick confronts Kail about parts of the Mrs. Robinson alliance (particularly Mike). Kail immediately goes to Mike and starts trying to get Dick evicted. Kail tries to pressure Danielle into voting her dad out. Danielle sees right through Kail. Danielle then warns Daddy, and Kail recognizes her strategic failure, and is now seemingly against Danielle as well. Dick then confronts Kail about her campaigning against him. This is why I like you Dick. You’ll confront anyone. Kail denies her lying, and everyone around them seems to be as quiet as a mouse. Evil is seriously burning bridges left and right. Jameka, very aptly, says “wow” when it’s all over. We’re back to Julie and we learn that we’ll learn about the man who came between Joe and Dustin. But first (I think we should give Julie a “but first” allowance per season), we get to see everyone saying things about the nominees. But I don’t really listen because no one casts a vote until its eviction time. On a completely separate note, do you think Jen’s favorite Christmas Carol is Good King Jenceslas?

Julie welcomes us back to talk with our houseguests. First, we talk to Danielle, who looks slightly like a medium class hooker tonight, who says that she felt bad about leaving. Julie confronts Amber about her crying, who defends herself by claiming she’s just a sensitive soul. Mike/Magnus has seven wives. Is Mike on Big Love? Julie loves Jen’s multiple unitard outfits. Everyone looks mildly amused. I don’t. The man in the middle between Dustin and Joe looks even worse than both of them and he’s in between both of them on the effeminate scale. He also says Joe could have gotten gonorrhea anywhere. *Jazz Hands* AWKWARD. Dustin and Joe still don’t seem to have anything resolved, which we get through a tender “I won’t vote to keep you” speech from Dustin. The houseguests talk about the nominees again. I don’t listen again. Although, I catch that Zach either thinks Joe’s gonna screw him, or he’s gonna screw Joe. Jameka doesn’t quite want to get rid of ED. Maybe Zach and Joe should talk to Jameka about her ED. It might stop the screwing. On a completely separate note, do you think Jen’s favorite F. Scott Fitzgerald work is “Jender Is The Night”?

It’s time for our one-on-one talk with Jen, and the Chen-Bot takes a crack at Jen’s narcissism. Jen feels that he and Dick are similar but that he has an explosive personality. Julie talks to Jen about her picture breakdown. I laugh again at that from memory. Jen denies that she nominated Danielle out of jealousy. It’s time for our live eviction. Joe tells them to follow through on their word. Dick makes more funnies about his shy, introverted personality. Dustin is first to vote. He votes to evict Joe. Big surprise. Danielle votes to evict Joe. Eric votes to evict Joe based on our request and makes a very bad name joke. Amber votes to Joe as well. So far its 4-0. But Julie Chen says “Hogwash” to revealing the rest of the votes and goes to commercial. Oh Julie… On a completely separate note, do you think Jen’s dog (and you know she’s gonna have some sort of small dog) resides in a Jennel?

And we’re back. Kail is voting next, and she votes to evict Dick. Jameka is next, and she votes to evict Joe. If Joe gets another vote, he’s dunzo. Mike votes to evict Joe, thus evicting Joe. Nick votes to evict Joe as well. Jessica votes to evict Joe. Zach votes to evict Joe as well. Well, that sucks for Kail. But I don’t like Kail. So it’s all good. Joe is out by a vote of 9-1. Joe seems actually upset. Amber is not crying as I expected her too. I just realized. Kail is the only one who voted to keep the gay guy. God’s not gonna be very happy with you Kail. Maybe he’ll use Amber to seek his revenge. They seem to communicate often. Everyone is hugging inside the house and I don’t know why. Julie slaps Joe in the face by pointing out that Dustin is outlasting him in the show that he really wanted to be on. Julie is clearly pleased that Joe called so much drama. Joe prides himself on his honest brand of drama. Eric reveals the America’s Player twist and the whole sleepwalking thing. Joe is honored that America chose him to make Eric feel most *jazz hands* Awkward. Half the people in Joe’s exit clip package seem to rag on him. The rest seems to like him. Dustin gives him a heartfelt message and I like Dustin more for it. Joe laughs at it. I dislike Joe some more. On a completely separate note, do you think Jen’s favorite Gilbert and Sullivan opera is “The Pirates of Jenzance”?

It’s time for the HOH competition, and I wish Jen were still eligible. This week’s competition is called getting schooled and covers elementary school subjects that relate to Big Brother. I’m already confused as to how social studies can relate to Dick and Jen. The first question about Carol’s eviction eliminates Dustin. The next question eliminates Eric, Jameka, Zach, and Jessica. Julie asks a question about art and everyone guesses but only Kail gets it wrong. The next question is about Jen’s speeches, and Nick and Amber are eliminated. Everyone guesses wrong on the next one. Everyone gets the next one right. They’ve exhausted all the questions, so its time for a tiebreaker between Dick, Danielle, and Mike. I hope Mike wins, because he won’t nominate Jen. The tiebreaker is about Jen’s unitard. Unfortunately, Dick wins HOH, which means Jen will be nominated. I hope she wins veto. Please, she makes the best television. Our America’s Player task is once again voting for whom we want Eric to get nominated. I’m voting for Amber. She didn’t cry nearly enough this episode. If she’s nominated, you know the waterworks are gonna start. On a completely separate note, do you think Jen gets her taxes done at Jentury 21? On a mildly related note, I’m stopping doing this Jen jokes, because I’m running out of material.