After another too-long recap of last weeks high-seas adventure, we see that everyone is starting to worry about the powerful male triumvirate in power, while Jay, still somehow playing everyone in this game, is very pleased that they have picked off all the strong guys except for Louie and Joe Don. Outside the captain’s quarters, everyone seems interested in the idea that 3 women in power could be an interesting situation. Unless it was Nessa, Jupiter, and Joy, I can’t see how this would be anymore interesting, seeing as how Laurel, Kendra, and Christa have the group excitement factor of a piece of soggy bread. At least Nessa, Jupiter, and Joy have created mildly interesting TV.
We come back with Joe Don, looking drunker than he ever did as captain, sees Azmyth (now sans British accent) as a terrible captain and hopes to get rid of him. Laurel is still pissed at Azmyth, calling him a superfreak in a blue coat. I wish the real Rick James were on the Picton Castle. This week’s treasure was hidden by the boatswain, who knew the real Picton Castle’s crew better than anyone else. Joy really wants to win, and she ends up on the much stronger looking black crew. This week, they must start by swimming through “treacherous waters” where it’s a race to be slowest between Joy and Kendra. Then they have to carry a rope ladder up a mountain and look for an old boat. Joy lags on the mountain trek as well, which also gets complicated because she’s reading the map for them. The black crew reaches the boat and then they have to go find some masts and undo a tricky knot. Seriously Pirate Master, a tricky knot is the hardest thing you can throw at these people? The red crew catches up to them at the mast. Azmyth, however, seems to find the tricky knot, not so tricky after all.
After the commercial, they have too cross a bridge and decipher some clues that will lead them to the treasure. Christa is apparently, “a Barbie doll on steroids”. The black crew is ahead reaching the bridge, which is “sketchy”. Both crews very quickly decipher the clues, and the black crew wins again with captain Azmyth. The red crew is disheartened because they didn’t even make it to the treasure site before it was found, and they failed at knocking captain Azmyth out of power. Joe Don has now had four losses in a row, and feels up against a wall. Meanwhile, the black crew’s win of 40 grand makes the black crew feel a little bigger in their britches. Azmyth seems to be questioning his equal shares policy, 60% for the officers, 40% for the others, because they earned it. Laurel tells of her distrust to their faces. Joy raises and eyebrow. Azmyth and his officers have decided to blackmark Joe Don and the two weak links Kendra and Joy.
Joe Don and Nessa are flirting outside on deck when Joe Don suggests a little peck on the cheek, an idea that Nessa seems to like, even though they show more of this in the preview from last week than they do in the show this week. Azmyth has no worry about mutiny, which, in Reality TV speak means that they will mutiny. Joy didn’t make an offer on the pardon, which she obviously now regrets. Jay already starts going around telling people to vote Joy off. Jupiter breaks it down into either Kendra, who brings no spice (as the viewers plainly see) or Joy, whom everyone loves. Louie, in a really poor choice of words, realizes he has to break his word and vote against a girl, since Joe Don has become his biggest ally in the fight against the blacks. Poor word choice Louie. Poor, poor word choice.
Host Not Jeff Probst rings the bell and thus begins this weeks exciting edition of “Pirates Court.” Azmyth reveals that he nominated Kendra and Joy because they suck at challenges and Joe Don because he has too dangerous for Azmyth to deal with. Joy uses the same “I may be weak but I never give up and I’m doing the best I can do.” Because that excuse worked so well for Alexis, Joy. Kendra doesn’t think her suckiness has caused her teams to lose. Joe Don admits that he is a threat and has it in for Azmyth, and seemingly threatens him, and calls him the remaining pirates hope, because Louie and the girls are not that great of a threat for the boys trio. Over slightly ominous music, we find out that Joe Don had a massive $12,000 bid for the pardon and wins it. There are still no ballots for mutiny. Joe Don had no need for the pardon, and he received not a single vote. In a 3-2 split, Kendra is safe and weak link Joy is cut adrift. Joy is pleased with what she put into the game.
Next week, Jay continues to manipulate everyone else in the game, Joe Don and Nessa get even friskier, and Louie and Joe Don are forced to do everyone’s week.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Welcome Back: The Chen-Bot
Tonight brings the return of summer’s most reliable guilty pleasure and every peeping tom’s dream show, Big Brother, with host Julie Chen, aka Chen-Bot. Viewers can always rely on Big Brother to have at least a few moments of must-see TV, whether it be one contestant threatening another with a knife, one contestant tearing into another with a tirade about her being a “busted-ass blonde bitch” (aka Busto), or all contestants flipping sides and backstabbing each other in a desperate attempt to keep their asses in the house. The house, which is more like a fishbowl, usually produces stir-craziness after a short amount of time, leading to hilarity watching these people’s mental states slowly deteriorating.
To help us understand these people’s diminished sanity, we have Julie Chen as our hostess-with-the-leastest. Delivering every line the same, Julie Chen has maintained her job thanks to loving husband and network head Les Moonves. But alas, the Chen-Bot is back and still is droning on.
This summer’s edition of BB, which CBS calls “the most surprising yet”, features 12 attractive young people and 2 others. The theme to this year appears to be rivals, meaning that a bunch of the people in the house will be each other’s sworn enemies. In certain ways, this is like their “ex-factor” twist, only with less chance for reconciliation and more chance for drunken screaming matches and bitchy drama. One of the already revealed pairs is Danielle (one of the attractive young ‘uns and a Hooters waitress) and Dick (one of the creepy older people), an estranged father and daughter. This could be interesting indeed. The other twist that America will have a player this year, meaning one houseguest whom America can control and manipulate to do their bidding, with financial incentives for answering to America’s beck and call. The other notable feature of this house is the house itself, a demented through-the-looking-glass abode with one bedroom too small and one bedroom too big. America, we are one step closer to “Tiny House” sponsored by Geico.
Some of the other housemates this season include two other attractive young women, Carol and Jessica, with connections to the same Dance Company in Kansas (gee, I wonder if they’ll be enemies). There’s Kail, a conservative mom from Oregon (our other old person). I wonder if she’ll clash with Dick, who wants to meet George Bush so he can kick him in the nuts. Also around is former Football player Nick, who, according to executive producer Alison Grodner, likes to walk around with his shirt off. Because that tends to be a rarity in the Big Brother house. Then there’s Jameka, who has apparently had very little to do with white people before this experience. Seeing as how she’s the only minority person, that could be interesting to watch. Evaluating the cast beforehand makes it seem like this could be a good edition, but only time will tell how our exhibitionists fare. All I know is I’ll be watching and figuring out a way to upload a virus to the Chen-Bot’s motherboard.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
On The Lot on 7/3 Was Horror-Ble...
To all of you who groaned at this title, I understand. The pun was terrible. But I couldn’t resist myself. But the pun is still better than around half of tonight’s offerings. Adrianna Costa, looking incredibly demure, introduces our horror night. We go straight into our elimination. David realizes he’s not good at sexy stuff, Will is nervous because he didn’t hit a home run this week. Adrianna and Garry show up again. Adrianna reveals that David is the one who’s leaving the lot. I’m not shocked, but it really should have been Hilary going home. In a surprise to absolutely no one, our 6 horror directors are revealed: Shira-Lee, Sam, Mateen, Jason, Kenny, and Andrew. Adrianna introduces our judges, Tweedle Dee (Carrie), Tweedle Dum (Garry), and special guest judge this week, Eli Roth, who single-handedly made the “torture-porn” sub-genre popular with Hostel. He recently blamed the failure for Hostel 2 on piracy. I blame it on the fact that the movie stunk. Seriously, take credit for your work dude. It’s crappy, so is most of Hollywood. You could have just said that an On The Lot contestant helped you.
Kenny is up first. Kenny doesn’t care about blurry and bad camera angles, which leads to fights with his cinematographer. Well, it’s his best movie to date, but compared to “Wack Alley Cab” and “Emo Teen Goes Crazy”, that’s not hard. If anything, though, I’d say he didn’t go crazy enough on this one. This is the one-week where his eccentric style really could have worked, but instead, he does a cheesy horror-comedy payoff with Tatiana Ali as a zombie blogmaster. The actual attack was pretty well shot though. It could have used a better script as well; some of the dialogue was painfully bad. Carrie calls it his most accessible film, unlike his tie. Nice Carrie. She calls it “Gone with the Wind” for him. Eli Roth thought the buildup was better than the conclusion, but that the tone was really good. Garry wrote for the Rat Pack, and is glad he no longer lives in Malibu. He continues to pimp Adrianna out by telling her to hug him, which she describes as less awkward.
Sam comes next. Sam is working with children, animals, and puppets, breaking the rules of Hollywood. His puppet looks really creep though. Much, much better than Kenny’s film, it was properly atmospheric with another great attack scene. The main kids performance was believable, and the puppet was effectively creepy. The prologue doesn’t quite work though. Carrie disliked the prologue as well, but thought the rest was good. Eli Roth thought the attack was fantastic but that the prologue gives everything away and that the tag was weak. Garry loves solitude because his passions turn into monsters in the darkness of the mind. He also tells us that Euripides never made horror movies, and that Sam’s mother and dog are pansies.
Eli Roth and Adrianna both dislike blood. Adrianna assures us though, that the blood in Andrew’s movie is fake. Thank you Adrianna, we were really worried. Andrew’s up next. He’s afraid it’ll play comedic, but it doesn’t look like it could. Unfortunately, it plays completely like comedy. There is a complete lack of atmospheric scares, and the bumbling nature of his protagonist only serves to heighten the comedic aspect of when she goes all demonic in the end, Carrie liked it and that it was really entertaining, and that he normalized zombies. Eli Roth thought it was neither horror nor comedy and played like a “Got Milk” ad. Garry wants to know what’s on the TV. “On The Lot” is on Garry. I’m watching you on it.
Jason had to face a fear of working with kids. Because Sam’s kid wasn’t an actual kid. Hilary thinks that working with kids is a bad idea. I think that working with Hilary is a bad idea. It was a little too supernatural drama than horror. There was a really good atmosphere to it, and it veered in a different direction than I expected. I just wished the kid had been a little creepier. Carrie found herself scared for the first time, and that it was visually interesting, calling it her favorite movie so far. Eli Roth found that the mother strained credulity, and that it screwed him up. Garry thinks Sen and Sational are two different words. And he thinks everyone will have nightmares.
Shira-Lee is up next. She’s a first-time horror director and the only woman director doing horror. Shira-Lee is avoiding gore, and aiming for a psychological chiller. It’s pretty scare-less, and seems to build to nothing. The shot technique was good, but her lighting was entirely too bright. If you’re not going to have any obstacles for your actors, your ghost should at least be scary. Carrie wasn’t scared, but thought the lead actress was good. Carrie also points out that ghosts in the daytime aren’t nearly as scary. Eli Roth thought she overdid the music, and that the end payoff was good. Garry likes Al Gore.
Mateen is up last. Mateen is aiming for a new twist on the horror genre, everyday horror. Shalini is worried that people are either gonna love it or not be able to relate to it at all. I understand where he’s coming from, but to me, this doesn’t quite qualify for horror. It’s drama more than anything else, and carries a lofty political statement that doesn’t quite fit into this week’s material. Also, the story at times is hard to understand. It’s a premonition, right? Maybe not. Carrie thought it had a good look and good performances, but she didn’t quite understand it. Eli thinks the strength is in the performance, and that the audience is disconnected from the jumping P.O.V shots. Garry, for once, doesn’t come off like an idiot. He seems to have actually taken this one seriously. Mateen says he’s trying to take drama to a horror standpoint, but Eli responds that the problem was the audience’s disengagement.
Tonight’s group, in order:
1) Sam’s was the top of the field this week. His creature and performances were both good, and his film was well shot.
2) Mateen’s was second best, even though it didn’t quite fit the bill this week.
3) Jason’s was well shot, but the unconvincing mother and spiritual mumbo of it turned me off slightly
4) Kenny comes fourth, surprisingly enough. His movie had a good attack seen, was well shot, and was miles above Wack Alley Cab
5) Shira-Lee’s was only buildup with no big payoff. She was the real letdown this week.
6) Andrew’s wasn’t scary, had no buildup, and was over clichéd, which lands him on the bottom of the pile.
Kenny is up first. Kenny doesn’t care about blurry and bad camera angles, which leads to fights with his cinematographer. Well, it’s his best movie to date, but compared to “Wack Alley Cab” and “Emo Teen Goes Crazy”, that’s not hard. If anything, though, I’d say he didn’t go crazy enough on this one. This is the one-week where his eccentric style really could have worked, but instead, he does a cheesy horror-comedy payoff with Tatiana Ali as a zombie blogmaster. The actual attack was pretty well shot though. It could have used a better script as well; some of the dialogue was painfully bad. Carrie calls it his most accessible film, unlike his tie. Nice Carrie. She calls it “Gone with the Wind” for him. Eli Roth thought the buildup was better than the conclusion, but that the tone was really good. Garry wrote for the Rat Pack, and is glad he no longer lives in Malibu. He continues to pimp Adrianna out by telling her to hug him, which she describes as less awkward.
Sam comes next. Sam is working with children, animals, and puppets, breaking the rules of Hollywood. His puppet looks really creep though. Much, much better than Kenny’s film, it was properly atmospheric with another great attack scene. The main kids performance was believable, and the puppet was effectively creepy. The prologue doesn’t quite work though. Carrie disliked the prologue as well, but thought the rest was good. Eli Roth thought the attack was fantastic but that the prologue gives everything away and that the tag was weak. Garry loves solitude because his passions turn into monsters in the darkness of the mind. He also tells us that Euripides never made horror movies, and that Sam’s mother and dog are pansies.
Eli Roth and Adrianna both dislike blood. Adrianna assures us though, that the blood in Andrew’s movie is fake. Thank you Adrianna, we were really worried. Andrew’s up next. He’s afraid it’ll play comedic, but it doesn’t look like it could. Unfortunately, it plays completely like comedy. There is a complete lack of atmospheric scares, and the bumbling nature of his protagonist only serves to heighten the comedic aspect of when she goes all demonic in the end, Carrie liked it and that it was really entertaining, and that he normalized zombies. Eli Roth thought it was neither horror nor comedy and played like a “Got Milk” ad. Garry wants to know what’s on the TV. “On The Lot” is on Garry. I’m watching you on it.
Jason had to face a fear of working with kids. Because Sam’s kid wasn’t an actual kid. Hilary thinks that working with kids is a bad idea. I think that working with Hilary is a bad idea. It was a little too supernatural drama than horror. There was a really good atmosphere to it, and it veered in a different direction than I expected. I just wished the kid had been a little creepier. Carrie found herself scared for the first time, and that it was visually interesting, calling it her favorite movie so far. Eli Roth found that the mother strained credulity, and that it screwed him up. Garry thinks Sen and Sational are two different words. And he thinks everyone will have nightmares.
Shira-Lee is up next. She’s a first-time horror director and the only woman director doing horror. Shira-Lee is avoiding gore, and aiming for a psychological chiller. It’s pretty scare-less, and seems to build to nothing. The shot technique was good, but her lighting was entirely too bright. If you’re not going to have any obstacles for your actors, your ghost should at least be scary. Carrie wasn’t scared, but thought the lead actress was good. Carrie also points out that ghosts in the daytime aren’t nearly as scary. Eli Roth thought she overdid the music, and that the end payoff was good. Garry likes Al Gore.
Mateen is up last. Mateen is aiming for a new twist on the horror genre, everyday horror. Shalini is worried that people are either gonna love it or not be able to relate to it at all. I understand where he’s coming from, but to me, this doesn’t quite qualify for horror. It’s drama more than anything else, and carries a lofty political statement that doesn’t quite fit into this week’s material. Also, the story at times is hard to understand. It’s a premonition, right? Maybe not. Carrie thought it had a good look and good performances, but she didn’t quite understand it. Eli thinks the strength is in the performance, and that the audience is disconnected from the jumping P.O.V shots. Garry, for once, doesn’t come off like an idiot. He seems to have actually taken this one seriously. Mateen says he’s trying to take drama to a horror standpoint, but Eli responds that the problem was the audience’s disengagement.
Tonight’s group, in order:
1) Sam’s was the top of the field this week. His creature and performances were both good, and his film was well shot.
2) Mateen’s was second best, even though it didn’t quite fit the bill this week.
3) Jason’s was well shot, but the unconvincing mother and spiritual mumbo of it turned me off slightly
4) Kenny comes fourth, surprisingly enough. His movie had a good attack seen, was well shot, and was miles above Wack Alley Cab
5) Shira-Lee’s was only buildup with no big payoff. She was the real letdown this week.
6) Andrew’s wasn’t scary, had no buildup, and was over clichéd, which lands him on the bottom of the pile.
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