Big Brother 8/23. This is the End...

WARNING: SOME ADULT LANGUAGE

Previously on Big Brother, I was disgusted by everyone in the house but Jen, Eric thought short term instead of long term, “the rock and roll dad lived to fight another day”, power didn’t shift at all, Danielle proved that she’s can hold a grudge, no one was surprised by the nominations, Amber and Danielle participated in some CBS synergy, Danielle proved herself to be a catty bitch and backdoored Jen, citing that it's not personal reasons, Daniellejust doesn’t think she deserves the experience as much as the rest of them, which is pretty much a personal reason. The Chen-Bot is back tonight in all her electronic glory, and she immediately starts pimping the Donatos for Big Brother. She uses a bad pun and we segue back to the blue house as Jen is put into the nomination chair. Jen seems hurt but isn’t showing it. Jameka is beyond happy, because everyone hates Jen. Danielle tells Jen that she’s sorry (she’s not), and is definitely secretly pleased. Who’s Dick to stay away from the fight, as he seeks out Jen and basically says that Jen doesn’t deserve the experience because she’s not a money-grubbing whore. Dick tries to faze her, but in true Jen fashion she’s like a rock. Jen, apparently, now wants to talk, and Danielle basically cites that she doesn’t like her and Jen targeted her father because her father poured iced tea on her and has told her he wants to rape her until she bleeds. Jen is tearing up, but she’s still staying strong. Jen doesn’t want to go to the sequester house, and she seems to be seriously contemplating just walking out, which pisses off Jameka. Dick blows some smoke in her direction which pisses Jen off, prompting her to go inside and pack her belongings away because she doesn’t want to deal with these people, and I don’t blame her. Outside, Everyone sees this as an opportunity as to insult her behind her back. Jen is also about to violate her promise to stay on slop for the rest of the summer and Dick says she just wants attention. But now angry Jen comes out, as she does break slop rules AND raids Dick’s cigarettes, breaks them all up in the trashcan, and pours bleach on them. She’s wanted to do this since day one, and she hid her clothes for fear of Dickish retribution. Dick, of course, can’t take someone fighting back, and begins immediately insulting her and tells her that he’s not gonna be nice to her anymore. He acts true to his name and Jen stays strong, and I love her for this. Dick steals her clothing and tells us that he’s gonna hold on to those for the rest of the week until she leaves. Dick accuses her of being a little baby who throws a fit when she can’t get her way, and I’m immediately thinking of the phrase “Pot calling the kettle black”. Jen is now fully violating her slop rule, and everyone is pissed because how dare she take full advantage of her knowledge that she will be going home and there’s no reason to fight. She’s called to the diary room and is informed of a penalty vote against her this week. Dick senses he still hasn’t broken her so her goes back on the attack, blowing smoke in her face, and, when she protests and tries to knock the cigarette out of her hand, he burns her, which seems to finally break Jen, who breaks down and looks mere seconds away from punching Dick in his smarmy face, which Jameka recognizes and pulls her away to the bathroom. But God forbid this serious moment stop Julie Chen, now back, from plugging Amber and Danielle's trip to the Power of 10 on CBS!

Hey, remember that Amber and Danielle are gonna be on Power of 10! They’re whisked away from the house to a private Jet, which impresses Amber because she apparently doesn’t know the meaning of the words “Private Jet”. They’re both excited to be in New York, which is funny because Amber insulted my city (Born and raised) on the live feeds. Nick is back, because they’re trying to resurrect the showmance, and Amber’s cousin is there. Amber says that she feels like a somebody and she’s sure the audience is gonna love her. That noise? Well that’s the makeup person’s silent astonishment. It’s time for questions with the houseguests, and Amber, who recently appeared on the Power of 10 if you didn’t know, loved the trip. So did Danielle. Jen was upset with Big Brother and she didn’t care if she broke food restrictions. I love you Jen. Eric may or may not cross-dress outside of the house.

It’s time to talk to the Pouter, aka Danielle, in her HOH room, where she’s glad that Dick is still around, she hopes that its her and Daddy in the end because she can kick his ass in the finals, and says she can probably turn on her dad at any point. It’s time for final speeches. Jen is first, says she doesn’t really fit in there and she’s fine with leaving. I love her, because she really doesn’t care anymore. Jameka is happy to be there and hopes the others see how useful she could be. It’s voting time, and Amber is up first, evicting Jen. Dick is up next, and, surprise surprise, he votes to evict Jen. Eric votes to evict Jen on America’s doing. Zach votes to evict Jen. Jessica votes to evict Jen, making it a 6-0, with the penalty vote, vote to evict Jen.

It’s time for the Chen-Bot to put Jen out of her misery, and she fully expects it, waves to everyone. Dick isn’t even there when she walks out and Eric proves he is slowly metamorphosing into Dick Jr by saying “As happy as you are to be leaving, we’re happier to see you go." As soon as she leaves, Danielle, Eric, and Dick realize they have no one to bully, so they continue to talk about her. In the interview, we learn that Jen describes herself as random, didn’t really have a strategy coming in, hoped to teach others good things, and she knew she would have to be backdoored. Also, she says that Dick’s speeches, even if they’re strategy, are beyond the line. I continue to love you Jen. In the goodbyes, Jameka is nice to her, Eric lies through his teeth and says he enjoyed her, they clearly edit Dick’s goodbye to take out all the nastiness, Jess compliments her gameplay, Zach compliments her gameplay and sucks up to her, Danielle says it that in the last week Jen’s integrity disappeared, Amber tells her to dig inside herself to find the beautiful person and show it off. To this, I respond: I like Jameka, Eric is a lying douche, Dick’s isn’t worth commenting on because it’s such an editing hackjob, Jess isn’t all there, Zach clearly doesn’t know that he’s gonna be next week’s target, Danielle can go fuck herself (the whiny bitch), and Amber shouldn’t ever comment on someone’s inner or outer beauty, since she has none.

It’s time for the HOH competition, and I don’t really care, since I’m not gonna be watching the show anymore. It involves a dunk tank and A or B questions. Eric gets dunked first. Amber and Zach are eliminated together. Dick is eliminated last, and Jen clearly takes delight in dunking him. Eric and the others gloat and Jessica is one of the most restrained and I say “whatever”. The America’s player is the same as always, whom America wants nominated. The Chen-Bot leaves us in the house, where everyone is joking about the competition.

This will be my last Big Brother recap, for anyone who’s interested. Not only am I going back to college soon and therefore will have less time to waste on this show, but I’m fed up with this show for a number of reasons. One, Jen, my last liked houseguest, was evicted and there is no one to root for anymore. Two, the fact that the producers allowed one houseguest to burn another with a cigarette with no repercussions is horrid. Third, this little tidbit just came to light in response to allegations of rigging made to the FCC.

A "game show" in which selected contestants (vs. members of the 
public) participate is governed by Section 509 of Title 47 of the 
United States Code (USC), and regulated by the Department of Justice. 
However 'Big Brother' does not appear to meet the definition of a 
"game show." Rather, it is a 'for entertainment only' program, 
somewhat similar to professional wrestling in that it is a 
pseudo-contest in which the outcome is fully, or in some measure, 
predetermined.

This, basically, to me, confirms that Big Brother is at least partially rigged. I mean, add this to the videos of people talking about Diary Room voting pressures and the slanted editing, and I’ve just got to say screw this. I have better ways to spend my time. Well, not much better, but better than this. Thanks to anyone who enjoyed my recaps…

Big Brother 8/21. Veto This, Big Brother!

Previously on Big Brother, Eric made a deal with the house’s devil, forming a new “power alliance” that almost immediately seemed like it was going to cannibalize itself, Amber and Jameka realized they were screwed, Skeletor won HOH (or is that Danielle?) and proved that hatred of Jen clearly runs in the Donato bloodline, followed by nominating Amber and Jameka. We re-enter the house with our tinted houseguests finishing the nomination ceremony. Jameka tells us that she doesn’t understand Danielle’s motives, which to me are some of the clearest so far this game. Amber, surprisingly enough, is not crying but vowing to show that a good person can win the game. So Jen’s gonna win, huh, Amber? Eric goes to apologize and Jameka calls it a slap in the face, but she doesn’t say it to his face, which means no angry Jameka drama. Danielle assures Jameka that it’s not personal and reminds us that it’s a game, one that seems to be rigged in her favor. Jen is starting to think that saving Dick was a mistake because they’re letting a tight pair continue on. And thus, Jen continues to prove how much smarter she is than most of the house. Jen is immediately pondering whether Danielle is planning to backdoor anyone. We then get what starts as a discussion of Ultimate Fighting and turns into a flirting thing, which Zach interrupts, informing us that he loves to cock block Eric. Zach then makes awkward references to Jessica’s boobs. Wow, this is fun to watch. And when I say fun, I mean pointless and idiotic. It’s time for more Amber and Jameka talk, where they decide that the target of their behind the back attacks tonight is Jessica. Probably because she’s friends with the evil Jew, right Amber? Amber is sure she’s the target, but she had a vision that told her that they would both be here next week. God sent her a vision showing her winning POV, and then one of her and Jameka in the final two. This, for some reason, makes Amber cry. She tells us that there will be no more crying from her in this game, but she’s clearly holding back tears while saying this, so I doubt the validity of this statement.

Quirky aggravating theme music means it’s time for America’s Choice, where Eric immediately wonders what the hell “woobie” means. Eric has to give his woobie to Jessica, which he says will be a piece of cake. He apparently smuggles to woobie out of the Diary Room in his ass and gives it to Jessica that night, who accepts the ass animal with open arms. Eric thinks it strengthened their bond. Immediately, though, it’s time for Danielle to bitch some more about how long it feels like they’ve been here. She and Zach have a communal bitch session about Eric, Dick, Jameka, Amber, and Jen, meaning that only Jessica is liked in the house. They talk about how much of a loose cannon and how hated Jen is and I begin to fear for the only decent remaining houseguest. But enough of that, it’s time to pick Veto Players! Whoopee! This is a very special veto competition, because the winner gets the POV and the top two win a top-secret trip out of the house, most likely to the set of Two and a Half Men again. Danielle gets the houseguest’s choice and picks Dick, Amber picks Jessica, and Jameka picks Zach, continuing Eric’ streak of not having played in a single veto competition. Amber reiterates that they have to win. Amber thinks God put them up together. Amber, as much as the show loves Danielle, even they don’t think she’s God. Dick tries to psych out Amber and Jameka, but I really don’t feel the effort this time. Jameka is just pissed that everyone’s gonna be trying hard this week for the trip outside.

It’s time for the veto competition, which involves motorcycles apparently. Dick points out that it certainly seems like this challenge was tailored for him. Huh, Dick. I think you may have something. This challenge involves the houseguests guessing about what people outside of the house think about people who were a part of the house. The first question involves who thought Kail would be a good politician, and Dick is eliminated. The second question involves how hard people think it is to live in the BB house and Zach is eliminated. The next question is about who’s the better boyfriend, Dustin or Joe, a question that gets a range of responses and eliminates Jessica. The next question involves having a beer with Nick over Mike and eliminates Jameka, meaning Danielle and Amber get to go on a trip. Amber is crying that Jameka was eliminated and wishes that Jameka could go instead of her because she puts everyone else before herself. You know, unless they’re Jewish. The final question is about how many thought Zach made the sexiest bunny. Amber answered 65%, Danielle answered 47%, and America pegged it at 35%, meaning Danielle wins the POV as well. Zach is pleased that at least 35% of American’s found him sexy. Jen is pleased that Danielle won. Dick makes her hold up the trophy so he can give her gloating lessons. Amber just doesn’t understand why God lied to her about that whole winning the veto thing. Maybe because you’re just a crazy person and God didn’t send you that message. Or maybe God likes the Jews and was just screwing around with you. Either way, Amber, you’re crying again, meaning that you’ve already broken your no crying promise. Jameka tells her that God would want them to be strong. This causes Amber to start crying again. Well, so much for that hope America.

We come back and its time for Donato family strategy session, where Danielle is talking about making a deal with Amber to remove her from the block in return for future immunity. This worries me more, because I have a feeling on who Danielle wants to put up in Wahmber’s place, and that person’s name rhymes with “Jen”, mainly because that’s her name. Amber is apparently thinking on the same length as Danielle, but she tells Jameka that she’d be reticent to take a deal. Danielle takes Amber upstairs for a chat and Amber seems to be the one who’s bringing up deal talk. Way to sell out your best friend Amber. It’s clear that God was lying on the other front as well. Amber says anything and everything Danielle wants to hear and more which gets a big old smile from Danielle, who has more bones visible through her skin than a science class skeleton. Dick and Eric are having buddy talk and patting themselves on the back for being so cool and such a rocking force in the house. Both of them discuss wanting to backdoor Jen, and I fear some more. Eric says to Dick that he wants to, and immediately tells the DR that it’s not what he wanted. Danielle walks outside and bitches about how she’s awake at 2 AM and she seems to jump at the idea of backdooring Jen. Ugh.

It’s time for the veto meeting, and Danielle walks through the normal procedure. Jameka says that she’s sure Danielle already knows what she’s doing. Amber says something about the experience, stifles tears, and tells Danielle she’ll respect the decision. Danielle has weighed out her options and she chooses to use the POV on Amber. Jen immediately senses what’s up and gets into a position where she can easily get off the couch. Lo and behold, she chooses Jen, saying it’s nothing personal (it is) and calls it a life changing opportunity for SOME of us and she doesn’t think Jen deserves it as much as other. Doesn’t that kind of define personal attack, not to mention incredibly bitchy? Jen vows that “when” she stays next week, she’ll be targeting Dick and Danielle for the rest of the season. I love this girl’s moxie. Of yeah, we almost forgot about the mystery trip, which is Danielle and Amber being whisked off to NYC to compete on the new CBS show “Power of 10” to compete for up to 10 million dollars. Also, we can vote for whom we want Eric to target. I feel like this is as good a time as any to tell you that after this week, I’m giving up on this show. Because most likely Jen will be eliminated, meaning there will be no one likeable left in the house. Well, that and the matter that I’m going back to college (Go Connecticut College Camels, even though we kind of suck at most sports!) and don’t feel like wasting some of the precious time I have to watch TV on this house filled with disgusting people. So this upcoming eviction will be my last recap of BB. I hope that doesn’t disappoint anyone. But don’t worry; I’ll make up for it with other content. And recaps of other, better shows once the TV season starts.

Big Brother 8/19. It's Called Beirut People! Pong Involves Paddles...

Previously on Big Brother, Jessica won HOH, targeted the Donatos, Dick won veto and “sacrificed himself for his daughter”, Dustin was smug, Eric chose 10 grand over a possible 500, and Dustin was evicted and the “rock and roll dad lived to see another day” and was incredibly smug about it. As we come back, Amber is immediately crying. Dick is still being smug, and thinks that this validates his behavior from earlier in the week. No, Dick. It doesn’t. It shows that you’re being edited like a saint, not a sinner. Eric is pleased with his idiotic gameplay. He still has not caught on to the fact that America is trying to screw him over. I’m glad. Let him be an idiot to his heart’s content, and then have it all hit him that he’s royally screwed. Amber is crying again and talks about how she hasn’t played anybody yet in this game. Not quite true, but she’s mentally unstable so I’ll let her have this one. Jameka very correctly points out that Dustin saved Eric and Eric paid him back by evicting him. Oh, yeah Danielle won HOH, meaning her dad will only be more insufferable this week. He’s already being smug in the Diary Room saying that this is “storybook”. No Dick, I’d use the word “rigged”. Whatever. Apparently, Danielle gets the smug genes from her father, as she’s going around taunting people. Dick is telling Danielle that “we kicked ass.” Where did Dick figure into her HOH win? Was his early elimination a crucial factor in Amber being an idiot? It’s time for the HOH room reveal, and they all focus on everyone having bad hair. But Zach points out that there are no pictures of real BF Kris and that there’s a letter from showmance Nick that looks glittertastic. Eric calls it very accurately a “13 year old girl creation”. Danielle is really excited that the letter is from Nick. Wow, guess that makes the BF feel super-duper. Amber is immediately sucking up to Danielle and is playing the future vote card. I’m starting to become convinced that the show is really trying to get Danielle to win. I mean, I haven’t heard anyone being offered future votes, her rival just happens to be one of the people who would easily sacrifice themselves for her in the game, oh, and she was underage when the show began, which is not supposed to be allowed.

When we come back, we’re getting back we get a video package of what an idiot Amber is, not understanding basic words like “ridicule”, “charming”, “perceived” and “peanut gallery”. Wait, I’m pretty sure they just inserted a laugh track into the show. I like the touch, but it kind of takes away from “reality TV”, doesn’t it? Eric and Amber are now talking, and Eric is lying a lot and Amber is none the wiser. He says nothing was planned and Amber doesn’t think that their alliance is dead. In the DR, Amber says that she’s just playing him. I doubt it. Now, it’s a second video package, this time regarding beer pong, which they play every night. But now, they’ve tacked on wagers. The first one involves Eric wearing booty shorts. The second one involves Eric and Jess swapping clothing. The show takes a lot of pleasure in Eric’s misfortune. I guess THEY picked up on the trend of us hating him. Now, Dick is qualifying his actions to Jameka and Amber and is dissing Dustin but Amber and Jameka don’t buy it.

It’s time for the food competition, and it’s a Toga party beer pong game. Eric and Jessica are immediately beyond happy, but really, everyone looks excited for “Slop Pong”. The red team of Eric, Dick, Jess, and Zach start with an early lead, but blue keeps catching up, making it a 9-9 tie at the end, before Eric sinks the winning shot, giving the red team food and resigning the blue team to slop. The entire house also earns a feast. While they’re outside, the table gets smaller. Danielle immediately whines that it means she has to sit closer to people. Has she ever said anything about enjoying this experience? Or did I just miss it in between all the whining, pouting, and crying about how much she hates everyone and it’s not fair because they hate her back?

Eric and Jess are talking and Eric officially calls them badasses. Dick tells them to kiss and Jess admits that Julie asked her about them upstairs. Jess lies about her answer and it’s “(Jazz Hands) Awkward!” afterwards. Danielle still doesn’t know what she’s doing in terms of nominations and makes and “ugh” sound. Jen asks whether there’s a chance she’ll be nominated, prompting Danielle to tell the DR she doesn’t trust her. Eric is supposed to get Amber nominated this week. Maybe I’m wrong about America hating Eric, unless they just hate Amber more. He immediately tries to convince them that Amber should not float through the game. They eat out of his hands and Danielle calls him “so mean.” Then in the DR she tells the camera she doesn’t trust Eric. Keep whining Danielle, it’s really endearing. Eric’s next task involves giving something called a “woobie” to someone. It’s supposed to be a childhood memory. I think it just looks like a stuffed animal with a creepy name.

It’s nomination day and Danielle looks contemplative by the memory wall. I’m just impressed she’s not pouting. Jameka and Amber both know they’re going up, and Jen is still worried, because Daddy and Daughter both targeted her earlier on. In a surprise to no one, Jameka and Amber are the nominees. Both believe that God will give them the veto and keep them in the house. Uh oh, did we just catch God playing multiple people in the house? Bad God, bad. Oh, and Danielle just admitted in the DR that Jen is her real target. Will Danielle pout some more? Will Dick follow God around the house calling him a liar? Will Eric give someone his woobie? Will we be lucky enough to have more of these Dick-Lite episodes? Find out next time on Big Brother….

Big Brother 8/16. The Freak Show Continues (And I Don't Just Mean The Houseguests)...

I'd like to preface this post by saying that my last recap was called "totally prejudiced". I responded in the comments, and I'd just like to repeat some of my response here.

I personally don't like Dick and the hate he spews. I think that his repeated verbal threats towards the houseguests should have gotten him kicked out weeks ago. I'm sorry if I offended you as a Dick fan, but I stand by what I said about Dick and Danielle. I don't think that the LNC are great people either. Amber is an emotional trainwreck, Eric can be ridiculously foul towards his houseguests, Dustin's ego does need to be checked, Jameka is hypocritical, and Jessica is a few cents short of a dollar, if you catch my drift. But these flaws, IMO, pale in comparison to what Dick and Danielle do. Jen and Zach are the only two people who I wouldn't vote out of the house right now. So I'm sorry if my Anti-Donato tendencies pissed you off, but I stand by my "totally prejudiced post".

That being said, enjoy another "totally prejudiced" recap...

Previously on BB8, Dick was an asshole, got nominated, continued to be an asshole, won the veto, continued to be an asshole, and vetoed his daughter, allowing BB to edit him as a martyr. Oh, and Jess proved that she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and Danielle whined and bitched about how they treat her poorly because of her dad and then walked out as they tried to speak to her. Tonight is another installment in the Chen-Bot diaries, and she’s back tonight in a hideous robot ensemble. And so it begins, with Julie glorifying Dick for going farther for a co-nominee than anyone has ever before. In, like, the history of time, ever, anywhere. Because Dick is just THAT good a person. Will father and daughter be torn apart, as Julie asks? Will the editing get even more biased? I hope the answers are yes and no, respectively, but I somehow doubt that that will be the case. We enter the house where, apparently, everyone has eaten Willy Wonka’s dinner candy that turns everyone into blueberries. Of note, they have not yet ballooned in size. I hope that happens soon, because it would be nice to see some entertainment on BB and THAT would be entertainment. Dustin is nominated, and Danielle is immediately pouting it seems. They show everyone saying how nice a person Dick is and immediately cut to Dustin in the diary room looking like a bad person mocking Dick. Dustin is happy being nominated and thanks Jess. Wow, we’re back in the Diary Room and could they have picked any worse clips to make Dustin look arrogant? This is so ridiculously biased that it’s not even funny anymore. Eric apologizes to Jess for the silent treatment and she eats up every one of his words. And it seems like its time for a date, Big Brother style, with awkward Zach courting Jess seemingly. But it seems to be more strategy talk, and Zach is basically offering himself to Jess to do whatever she wants, and also planting pro-Dick sentiments in her head. Zach says he will vote Dick out unless Jess tells him not to. It’s time for America’s choice, where it’s clear that America hates Eric and wants to screw him over by making him vote out his ally Dustin. Eric doesn’t seem to have caught on to that trend yet though, as he tries his best to awkwardly flirt with Jess and awkwardly convince her to turn on her alliance. Dick, I guess, caught wind of this and is now talking alliance with Eric, calling him logical and a game player. But Dick also thinks he’s a liar and a bad player. Dick never lies, he’s said that before, so I guess it IS possible for someone to think something and it’s exact opposite at the same time. I wonder if Dick can be in two places at once as well? Now THAT’S a scary thought. Eric is now fully trying to convince them to evict Dustin. I must say, Eric did pick the best player to align with as AP, because Jess is very easily convinced. Eric brings up the phrase “honor amongst thieves” and I think two things: 1) isn’t the phrase “No Honor Amongst Thieves”? and 2) Did Eric just admit that he’s a lying little weasel?

The Chen-Bot is back with some questions for the houseguests. Immediately, she asks Dick if he would have used the veto on Danielle earlier in the game and be the awesome dad that he is. I’m surprised that she doesn’t drool on him and promise to make robot love with him as she asks the question. She asks Danielle if she would have reciprocated and Danielle says she hopes she would but it’s clear that she wouldn’t. Jen is happy to have had the slop pass. Amber cries and tells her daughter that she loves her. I wonder if she lovers her as much as the dog though. And now it’s time for our first filler package, with Joe talking about Dustin. He talks about how self-involved Dustin is and how this is accurately depicting how Dustin was in their relationship. To me, this is the pot calling the kettle black, but whatever. They pick the most douche-tastic clips of Dustin and Danielle talking about how right Joe was about him. Also, they use as many clips of Dustin in his king’s cape as possible. We get to see the special visitors this week after the break, but first (Hasn’t Julie worn out this phrase chip yet?), we learn nothing new when the houseguests talk about the nominees. Amber hates Dick, Danielle hates Dustin, Zach says it’s a toss-up, Jen is happy that she can finally vote out someone she dislikes, Eric is America’s bitch, and Jameka isn’t happy about the house’s case of ED.

Chen-Bot welcomes us back for our talk with Jess. She asks Jess about why she was crying in the DR before the veto ceremony, who she trusts the most in the LNC, and whether she’s got a crush on Eric. The answers are that Jen can easily confuse her, Jameka and Eric, and maybe/maybe not. It’s time for our nominee’s to say their final words. Dustin says it’s been fun and he hopes they keep him. Dick says he did what had to do and he misses Carol. Finally, Dick and I actually agree on something (missing Carol). This is very scary to me. Amber is the first vote and, no surprise, evicts Dick. Eric is forced to evict Dustin and sucks up to America for screwing him over. Jameka votes to evict Dick. Danielle evicts Dustin. It’s tied, and as the Chen-Bot’s voice chip trips over her lines, we’re sent to commercial, wondering if Jen and Zach will evict the dick or the arrogant one.

And we’re back with Zach’s vote. He votes to evict Dustin. Uh oh, this isn’t looking good. Jen is last and it’s another vote to evict Dustin, thus evicting him and keeping that hateful prick around for another week of intolerance. Dustin is told the news and looks completely shocked. He gives Amber, Jameka, and Jessica big hugs and walks out the door to the great Chen-Bot in the front yard. Thankfully, Dick is saying nothing. Amber is crying.

It’s time for the Chen-Bot’s interview with Dustin. Dustin admits that he is so stunned, calls Eric sheisty (which, despite being a Jew, I’m not exactly sure is anti-Semitic), and admits that he did actually feel unsure about his safety. I’d definitely have preferred to have Dick gone, but Dustin has way too arrogant and is an idiot for nominating himself and thus also deserves his eviction. He thinks Amber could have handled the Eric thing better, and says that Joe can be pleased all he wants but Dustin outlasted him. In the goodbye messages, Dick laughs arrogantly, Jameka doesn’t think it will be aired, Jen introduces herself, Eric tells him that he’ll be seeing him soon in sequester, Zach calls him on his arrogance, Danielle says nothing of any importance, and Amber cries her way through telling him she loves him so much, despite having slammed gay men as untrustworthy on the live feeds.

It’s time for the HOH competition, but first, video clips! Apparently, this week the houseguests got some strange Alice in Wonderland themed visitors, including a little person spouting wisdom, a barbershop quartet, a pirate on stills (Who, in the funniest moment of the show is chased by the little person wielding a golf club), bunnies with playing cards, and a completely white mime. It’s finally time for the HOH competition, which is true/false questions about the visitors. Jen accidentally eliminates herself first. Dick and Zach are eliminated next. Then Eric gets eliminated, leaving Amber (Ugh) or Danielle (More ugh). Amber gets the next one wrong making More Ugh the new HOH, ensuring more than one week of douchebaggery from Dick and another week of pouting, whining, crying, and bitching in the HOH room. America’s choice is who to get nominated again, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Jessica there, because America apparently hates Eric more than anyone else. I’m not even gonna bother voting on this one. We rejoin the houseguests in the living room. Dick is already smug about his survival at the hands of America, Amber starts talking about how hard it’ll be without Dustin. But, in a moment of true comedy, the Chen-Bot cuts her off seemingly mid-sentence. As we watch everyone awkwardly meander about, I begin to wonder if anyone would care if the house collapsed, crushing everyone but Jen and Zach. I certainly wouldn’t.

Big Brother 8/14. Can We Veto Dick's Existence?

Before getting into the recap, I want to say two things:
1)This recap contains adult lanugage and may not be suitable for young readers.
2)There was no recap Saturday because it started late where I was and it was either miss the end of Big Brother or the beginning of John From Cincinnati. Well, I chose to see all of John because that makes me feel like a good person, whereas watching BB, i feel like I need to take a shower. So I didn't see all of it, and therefore did not want to only give you a partial recap. Sorry if anyone was looking for it.

Anyhoo, on to the recap:

Previously on BB8, Dick was tricked and, as a result, became a raving sourpuss, Jessica won HOH, Dick validated his being a raging asshole as being a good dad, Big Brother continued editing him as a martyr, and Jessica put the Donato family on the block, to the cheers of MOST everyone who watches the live feeds and sees what a truly atrocious person Dick is. We enter the house in blue as the nomination ceremony ends. Immediately, they start editing Dick as a sacrificial lamb. Danielle tells us that she hates hypocrites and liars, which means she must hate her entire family, including herself. Which would make her even more a hypocrite than before, wouldn’t it? Dick says that they’re not good enough liars, which I’m pretty sure is a lie. He tells her to trust Zach, and acts all good father, which is complete bullshit. I just want to apologize to any Dick fans that read this blog because 1) I loathe the man and will make it perfectly clear and 2) I’m guessing/hoping you’re uninformed as to his real personality. Jen comes up to the HOH room and it’s (Jazz Hands) AWKWARD, as everyone falls silent. Danielle now is fully exploiting her father and making sure that he’ll use the POV on her. Ooh, it’s time for punk rock riffs, which means they’re gonna show Dick as the cool anti-hero who’s tormenting everyone. To their credit they show how much he’s assaulting everyone, but to their discredit, they cut out the parts that would make any human being with a modicum of a soul hate him. I mean, I really wish everyone could see the unedited feeds of this, where Dick calls Dustin “princess”, “queen”, and “fag” and discusses his “bloody asshole” and how he’s going to “fuck him till he bleeds”, calls Amber and Eric both Meth addicts, assaults Amber’s mothering skills, assaults Jameka’s religion, and Jessica’s body. While Danielle does nothing but sit and not say anything or apologize for her father’s absolutely deplorable behavior. By typing these words, I do not condone any of these words, I’m just typing what Dick says in order to show how his behavior is out of control and should not be tolerated by viewers, producers, or anyone with a conscience.

It’s time to pick players for the Power of Veto, and the three chosen houseguests are Jameka, Dustin, and Zach. Everyone is separated into different parts of the house. The competition involves croquet and drinking disgusting things, like a bacon, egg, and OJ drink as well as “Big Brother Blood”, which I desperately hope is just wine. Everyone gets their drink on. Zach creeps my out by trying the “BB Blood” saying it smells like blood, then that it tastes like blood. No wonder people find him creepy. Danielle complains about some of the drinks. That’s not out of the ordinary, but it’s fun to watch her retch. Dick drinks to his rock riff as well, and they edit him as the hero. I’m really starting to hate you Big Brother. If you keep up this incredibly slanted editing, I’m not gonna be able to keep watching this show. The second part of the competition involves playing croquet. Zach is up first and gets three shots, earning 6 points. Jameka is next, has 4 shots, and gets 10 points. Jess is up next with 5 shots, and earns 17 points. Danielle is next with 7 shots, which gets her a total of 20 points. Dustin drank all 10 concoctions, and gets a total of 32 points. Dick is last, and I’m surprised that the producers don’t give him extra shots because they love him so much. But with his ten shots, he manages to earn 33 points, unfortunately winning him to power of veto. He immediately launches into calling Dustin “princess” again and antagonizing Jameka by thanking Jesus. I fucking hate this man. I understand maybe a fifth of his behavior as trying to rile the competition before the veto games, but to continue it while he’s shooting and directly afterwards, when he knows he’s won the power of veto and therefore he doesn’t necessarily have to make everyone hate him to make sure his daughter stays in the house, he continues to just be a gigantic douchebag. There is no excuse for his behavior, and the producers are at fault for anything he does at this point. Because I’m about 95% sure he’s gonna hit someone at some point.

As soon as we come back, Dick walks into the house and the rock riff comes back and starts antagonizing Dustin and, as Dustin points out “acted like the very mature 44 year old man he is.” To be fair though, Dustin, you weren’t very mature after the HOH competition. Jameka calls him Satan in the house. Everyone, including Zach and Jen, retreats to the HOH room. Jameka apparently gets into a fight with Danielle, where Danielle asks, “what have I done to you?” Jameka tries to respond, Danielle tells her to stop cutting her off, they move to the bathroom, Jameka tries to talk, and Danielle walks away. Danielle then goes up to HOH and whines to everyone and says that she’s apologized, something I have never, ever, seen her do. Danielle complains and whines and bitches about her Dad and about how they all hate her because of her dad. As soon as they try to bring up the fact that she’s an antisocial whiny little pouty bitch, and she immediately tells them that it’s not about her, it’s about her dad. But didn’t the discussion just start about her and not her dad? She and Jameka go at it, and Jameka points out that Danielle is only civil when it’s convenient for her. Eric interjects and says almost exactly what I just said (except they cut out when he assaulted Jessica’s figure). Danielle whines some more, says they don’t understand, whines about how it’s so frustrating, whines about how she doesn’t want sympathy (I smell bullshit), and then basically leaves. Immediately in the diary room Danielle says its part how she’s feeling and part strategy. To which I say: Fuck you Danielle. You and your dad can go be foul human beings off my television. How you ever tricked Nick into thinking you’re a decent human being I’ll never know. Danielle immediately goes and pow-wows with Dad (what they just accused her of always doing), talks about how she hates everyone, and cries. So, yeah, pretty much normal Danielle behavior. They play the “good guy” music as Dick comforts her. I hate these fucking editors.

We’re back in the HOH room where Eric’s America’s Player task falls into his lap, courtesy of Dustin offering himself on the block, which would be the dumbest thing the LNC could do. Because they need to make sure they have the votes to evict Dick. And Eric should definitely know better. This time, his America’s choice task was to give a houseguest the silent treatment. He has to give it to Jessica. He does this by hiding from Jessica and pretending to be asleep. Good job, Eric. Jen asks very forlornly if she’s going up, and Jess tells her that Dustin basically offered himself up. Jen looks relieved, but points out that Dustin and Dick may have a deal because offering yourself up is so ridiculously stupid. Jess goes to talk to Eric and Eric talks to her and fails. Jessica goes up into her HOH room and acts like a woman scorned, and folds Eric into the fake Dick-Dustin deal. She seems on the verge of tears and I say "Fuck you America," because Jess is one of the most tolerable players in the house and you brought her to tears. Wow, this is turning into quite an angry post, isn’t it?

It’s time for the POV ceremony, where Dick tells us that he always knew he was going to use the veto on Danielle. Except for that time where he was contemplating using it on himself. But God forbid BB shows us that. Danielle says that it’s tough for her to ask him to use it on her, full well knowing he plans to use it on her. He vetoes Danielle, and Jessica is forced to nominate someone. She ch-ch-chooses Dustin, who neglects his “sitting next to a sack of shit” speech to just sit there quietly. Dustin fakes crying in the DR and says he’s not scared. Dick is glad because the pawn usually goes home. Danielle admits that she always knew she was gonna get vetoed and acts very smug. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Please, America. Vote for Eric to evict Dick. He has gone too far, and he needs to go home.

I'm Calling You Out: Big Brother Editors

Listen here Big Brother editors; we’ve got some serious problems. Now, I realize that this season doesn’t really have a single likeable person. Anti-Semites don’t deserve good editing, nor do misogynists, whiny brats, sketchballs, nor other various forms of douchebag. But one of the least objectionable people in the house is Jen, who, while being vain and spoiled, is not a raging psychopath like some of the others. She is often funny. She is the strongest woman in the house by far, both emotionally and physically. So why do you insist on making her look like the biggest bitch to ever exist? Does she intimidate you? What did she do to you but provide good moments for television, such as when she burst into tears over her photo on the memory wall?

But the misportrayal of Jen is just the least of your problems. I have a much bigger issue with your portrayal of “Evil Dick”. Now, Dick has certainly lived up to his moniker. He has verbally assaulted 6 of the 8 houseguests left, not counting himself. He has threatened to crush Jen’s windpipe in the past. He has said he wants to choke her with member. He’s used a word that I refuse to use to refer to several female houseguests (Let’s just say See You Next Tuesday) He’s cause so many uncomfortable moments in the house that even his own offspring who is stuck in there with him thinks his antics can be out of control. And yet, Big Brother editors, you paint this guy to look cool. You’ve even created a rock riff that signals when he’s about to verbally assault someone, so that we know that his rock star awesomeness is about to come out and call someone a f**king something or other. Because being verbally abusive to those who share the same living quarters is soooo rad.

But it’s not only Dick who you edit to make cool, even though he’s aggressively douchey. You also edit Danielle. Poor, poor Danielle, right Big Brother editors? She’s such an innocent victim, stuck in the house with her unstable dad, with everyone taking all of their stuff against Dick out on her. And everyone is now starting to turn against her and her dad, and poor Danielle is such a victim, because she’s just going to get caught in all the anti-Dick crosshairs. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit and you know that Big Brother editors. Because she’s been there right alongside her dad for a while now, and she’s been just as venomous to certain houseguests. She’s the one who let her Dad run her HOH, so she’s just as complicit in a lot of his recent douchebaggery. So quit making her look like such a poor, innocent waif. She’s just a whiny little brat.

Oh, yeah, and you guys kind of suck at your job at times. It’s clear that will show a part of a conversation, and then show another part of the same conversation later. Way to be asleep on the job guys.

This is not to say that all of your editing is crap. You’re constant showcases of Amber the Anti-Semite’s crying jags can be quite funny. The bit this past Tuesday with Jameka praying while Jen complains about her bunny suit was pretty damn funny. But editors, I’m calling you out because you’re ridiculously biased in your editing, and you make the least decent people in the house look like the good guys, and that’s just not fair to the remaining semi-decent human beings left in the house. And if this behavior continues, you can expect another calling out. Because Dick is a Dick and America should see as much.

Big Brother 8/9. An Eviction, Drama, And Aggravating Editing...

Previously on Big Brother, Danielle huffed and she puffed and she made drama in the house, Dick proved he can have a partially civil conversation, The Donatos (Dick and Danielle) proved they have very little understanding of strategy in attempting to sway someone’s best friend against them, God told Jameka to sit out the next 5 HOHS, and then Jen used the veto on her bunnytastic self and Eric went up on the block. Tonight’s Thursday which means its time for the Chen-Bot and her giant hair, which I’m guessing hides the off switch. Julie boringly recaps us on everything that we just heard. Julie warns us that an explosion like we’ve never seen is coming. Will Julie self-destruct? Nope, turns out that our explosion comes from, well, I don’t know. Because there’s no explosion. It’s Eric saying no one likes to be nominated and Kail saying that she doesn’t like being nominated against Eric. Ominous music pops up, but still no explosion as Amber swears on her daughters life (flash to photo of the daughter, but no dog. I thought they were equal Amber) that she’ll vote to keep Eric. Dick is talking alliance with Jen and Kail. Did I actually just type that? Maybe that’s why Julie explodes. But still no explosion. Instead, it’s Dick telling Amber that Eric has information that he plans to use against her that will, but doesn’t say what it is. It’s going to turn the God Squad against her though. Oooh, I know. But so will you America! Because it’s time for Amber to air her dirty fake abortion laundry to America, about lying to her boyfriend about being pregnant and getting abortions. Sucks to be the boyfriend watching this. But then again, sucks to be Amber’s boyfriend regularly. Dustin is trying to calm Amber down, and somehow she hasn’t cried about all of this yet. Apparently, Dick and Danielle see Amber as the weak link now, and they’re working her hard about Eric’s untrustworthiness. They’re pulling out all the stops, including the Nick card and the God card. I wonder if they’ll play on her anti-Semitic tendencies as well. Amber is still working on Dustin, who is now wearing a king’s cape. As if people didn’t have enough complaints about Dustin’s ego, he wears a king’s cape. Dustin is trying to introduce logic to Amber, but I’m thinking like that would be introducing love to the Chen-bot’s circuitry. Robots can’t love, unless they’re played by Robin Williams or Haley Joel Osment. Ooh, explosion! Amber is tearing into Eric, and for once I feel like she’s in the right. Danielle looks eerily close to a smile and I suddenly want to punch her bony ass in the face. Amber is playing the guilt card and I back her until she says that she’s never lied in the house, which is a lie. Eric smartly doesn’t saying anything. Amber says that Nick should be here in instead of Eric in the good person’s alliance. Amber, a simple question. Who in this house counts as a good person? I mean, I love Jen, but even she isn’t a good person. And you certainly aren’t, you anti-Semitic abortion-faking lying drug addict (supposedly former, according to online sources current). Did that come across as hateful? It should.

It’s time to check in with our bunnies and the other hamsters. Julie asks Jameka what it was like to be in the room. I hope for the now commonplace jazz hands and awkward response, but Jameka just says it was tense. Jameka says she also regrets sitting out of the next 5 HOHs. Jen still stands by giving up 250 grand. Dustin gets an audience question, asking about why he wears the same goddamn shirt every day. They all laugh a lot and Dustin says the word consistency a lot. “Rebellious Rocker” Dick now gets his own little clip package with LA rock people patting Dick on the back for being an utter douchebag. They claim he’s loyal and a sweetheart. Come on BB, if you’re going to edit this guy to be a cool guy, at least make it subtle. This just makes me hate you guys a little bit more. Without questions regarding Nick to ask, Julie brings up the forgotten subplot of family reconciliation. Danielle says that things are getting better but it’s gonna take a long time. But enough questions about Danielle, time for more Dick! She doesn’t like that he says things and people take things out on her. Lastly, Danielle admits that she’s not sure that Eric cast the votes but she still wants him out.

It’s Kail’s turn for a video package, which starts with Danielle slamming her as a liar, and then we get to see Kail’s family. Kail’s husband is proud of her and understands the relationship between Kail and Dick. Oh, and apparently Kail is DOWNPLAYING her religious stuff. She’s downplaying it? I wouldn’t want to be near her when she’s not. The video package is fairly uninteresting. Kail pleads her case first and says she doesn’t take the game for granted. Eric gets tearful and thanks the house for being so cool. Was the America’s choice option the whole house? Because it certainly seems that way. Dick is up first and votes to evict Eric, but he can’t do it without hurling some more insults. Jen evicts Eric. Jessica evicts Kail. Making it one to two. Zach evicts Eric. Jameka evicts Kail. Dustin evicts Kail, making it a 3-way tie with Amber as the deciding vote. Amber evicts Kail, thus evicting Kail. Amber’s daughter, you can breathe easy. Julie, after a technical glitch pauses then tells Kail that she’s gone, meaning that one of the more tolerable (recently) people is leaving and making the house even less tolerable to watch. Jen seems pissed, but Kail seems happy to be out of there. I would be too. Dick immediately tries to get Dustin to admit that he lied to him (which he did) and deflects the blame. Dick believes him, and thus we will get another week of him yelling at Jen. Kail thinks that winning the first HOH screwed her and that Dick truly is a douche. Dick says that she should be here, but if not good riddance. Dustin discusses her views on homosexuality, Jen hopes to go shopping with her, Jameka blames the Mrs. Robinson alliance, and Danielle basically says good riddance as well. Nice family the Donatos are. Can we put Amber, Dick, and Danielle in a fight to the death, with the winner being evicted and the losers, well, what they’re participating in should give you a clue?

It’s time for the HOH competition which involves what evicted houseguests have said in the Diary room. It involves head to head matchups. Dustin and Eric are the first two chosen by Danielle. Eric gets the first one right and makes Dick and Zach face off. Zach answers wrong and Dick picks Eric and Jess face one another. Jessica figures out that Kail is a multi business owner, eliminating Eric and pitting Jen and Dick. Dick eliminates himself and makes Jess and Amber face-off. Amber eliminates herself, making Jess and Jen the final two competitors. Jess, before the question is finished correctly pegs it as belonging to enemy Carol and secures the HOH win for her and her team. Jess, Eric, Jameka, and Dustin celebrate raucously and Dick looks dejected and I gloat and gloat. Immediately, we’re putting Eric back to work, and we get to tell Eric who to get nominated. Lets not screw over Eric America, so vote Dick. Julie segues back into the house where apparently Dick is blaming Jameka for something, and she is keeping her cool. Dustin was apparently yelled at too, because Dick is attacking others as well. But he’s back for Jameka, and before anything gets interesting and they can’t edit Dick to look good, they cut away and we have to wait until the positive editing job on Sunday makes Dick look good and Jameka look bad. Tune in!

Big Brother 8/7. Boy, Does Kail Get Screwed Tonight!

Previously on BB8, BB’s hopes of a long showmance ended, Danielle played Encyclopedia Brown about mystery votes, Amber and Eric got screwed by a banner, Kail made an agreement to give up HOH in order to get nominated, Dick and Danielle asked Eric’s best friend in the house to turn against him, and Jen and Kail were nominated. Déjà vu anyone? We enter the house where apparently everyone in house has had too many blueberries, because everyone’s turned an odd shade of blue. Kail has been told that she’s 100% safe, which doesn’t exist in the BB house. Jen is glad to be nominated again, and Dick, seeing Jen in a happy mood, immediately starts going into her, telling her she’s going home. Jen plays along and does her best at antagonizing Dick in return. Good on you Jen. The vibe in the house is awkward, and Eric is already scheming on how to stay in the house. Eric, Jess, Dustin, and Cryber are all strategizing outside where the plan is revealed that they’re blaming the votes on Eric and planning to backdoor him. Amber is shocked that Jen still isn’t going home. They general consensus is that Jess has to pretend like she’s with them. Dustin says that the game has officially begun. Eric then tells Jameka of the plan, who is also shocked. Eric seems confident that they won’t have the votes to pull it off, but all I can think is that Eric hasn’t seen Amber raging against Jews and New Yorkers on the feeds. I wouldn’t count on her vote Eric. Jameka and Amber both agree that they don’t have the votes to evict Eric. Now its time for Zach and Danielle to talk in HOH, where Nick says he has no friends. Danielle is so mad that they made her vote Nick out, which she gets across by huffing about Nick’s eviction. Zach basically tells Danielle he’s putty in her hands. He’s just grasping at straws now it seems. Danielle’s willing to use him though. It’s time for yet another conversation about how Danielle and Dick are going down. This time it’s Eric, Jess, and Dustin in the bathroom. Eric ends by saying they’re digging their own grave and they can continue their twisted family reunion six feet under. Any recent doubts that I had about Eric’s inner douchebag coming out recently are both confirmed and assuaged, because it’s not at Jen anymore.

It’s veto player pickin’ time. Eric really wants to play this week. Danielle picks first and gets Zach’s ball. Jen picks Dustin. Kail gets houseguest’s choice and pick’s Jameka. Amber is picked to host, and I’m pondering whether she’ll cry because her hosting duties are soooo hard. It’s time for the competition already and it involves covered things which worry Kail. Jen is worried that there may be haircutting, but she’s not too worried. The covered things are all ominous and the people who bid highest have to do the ominous tasks. The lowest bidder is eliminated. The first one involves wearing a bunny suit. Jen, Kail, Zach, and Danielle all have to wear bunny suits. Dustin is eliminated. Next, everyone has to dump manure on their heads for the next 24 hours every hour. Next, everyone turns down 10 grand. The next think involves how long you’re willing to eat slop. Danielle is freaking out because she doesn’t like slop. Kail and Jen have to eat slop for the next month and Zach is eliminated. Next involves not participating in HOHs, and Kail and Jameka can’t participate in the next 5 HOHs. Danielle is eliminated. The last question involves how much money you’re willing to give up if you win the game. Kail, Jen, and Jameka are the last 3 remaining. Jameka will give up 10 grand. Kail will give up 248, 999 dollars. Jen will give up 250 grand, which she hopes will prove to her fellow houseguests that she’s not in it for the money. Dick proclaims how happy he is about the veto result. I wonder how long it will be before he tears into her again. Can I just say how awesome Jen is? She just got an eviction reprieve for the third week IN A ROW. That’s an accomplishment. Even if I didn’t like her I would have to give her props for that.

Everyone is putting on their bunny outfits and Kail runs down the list of what she did She’s wearing a bunny suit, eating slop for a month, not competing in the next 5 HOHs, getting manure poured on her, and she doesn’t even have the veto. Jameka only now realizes that she’s not participating in the next 5 HOHs, which is hard because it means she doesn’t get the perks like pictures. She’s really breaking down and begins praying to hymnal music in the background. This interlude goes on for way too long, with the occasional interlude of Jen bitching about her bunny costume, clearly included by someone who was trying to make Jen look bad. Danielle comes over to fake console her and Jameka sees right though it and calls her her father’s daughter in confessional. Jen and Danielle are having a bunny strategy talk, and Danielle tells Jen that she can keep Kail in the house if she promises to vote as Danielle wishes. Jen asks, “Is it Eric?” proving how tuned into the house she is. Danielle tells her not to tell Eric, because she still thinks Eric doesn’t know. Dick tries to make peace with Jen which involves him cutting her off when she tries to speak. Dick keeps on talking of co-existing, but when he and Danielle are talking to her, he speaks so angrily that if I were Jen, I’d still watch my back. They rail on Eric to Jen who just sits back and listens. In the Diary Room, Jen admits that while it’d probably be advantageous to do it, but she’s not sure if she morally can. And I love Jen more. It’s time for manure pouring, which Danielle surprisingly says is Icky. Now it’s time for Dick to think he’s so smart to Jess (He isn’t), and Jess then goes to try and woo Danielle. Jen talks about how everyone has been promised by Eric that they’re with them. Jess is tiffed by this. This seems like a perfect segue to his America’s Choice task. But the BB editors can’t edit well, so they segue to the beginning of the conversation that we saw the end of earlier, with Eric promising the family reunion to continue six feet under. Nice editing job BB. Jameka thinks that Dick and Danielle are just trying to spin Jess. Jess is now perplexed as to whom to trust.

Now it’s time for America’s player. Eric is not pleased by this weeks challenge, but he’s relieved that America wants him to promise Jessica. I recognize this conversation from the feeds, because this is also when the whole Amber’s abortions debacle within the house started. If you wanna find out more, you can look online. He convinces Jess, and it’s time for our manured houseguests to douse themselves once again. It’s been a while since Dick yelled at anyone, so it’s time for him to start yelling at Jen. Wait, that’s not Jen! It’s Eric! Dick has another target? Dick refuses to let Eric get a word in edgewise, reiterating that he has an alliance with Jen and Kail. Which is wrong. Dick yells at Eric that he knows the truth (he doesn’t) and how dare he play the game better than Dick (this is not what he says, it’s just the gist of it. Eric tries to talk to Danielle and Dick insists that Danielle can defend herself. This is while he’s not letting her defend himself. Dustin tries to tell Danielle that her dad is ruining her game and should be put up. Danielle huffs about how it’s him not her. Dustin counters that it’s her HOH reign so why should Dick be running it. Danielle doesn’t see how this affects her. I wonder if something that stupid was just uttered?

It’s veto meeting time. Jen is pleased to have the power, telling those who want her gone that they have to get over it. Kail doesn’t even try to argue for the veto to be used on her. Jen does her self monologue again and uses the veto on herself. In a surprise to no one, Eric is put up on the block. She backhandedly accuses Eric of being the mystery votes. Eric claims that it’s gonna blow up in their face. Kail no longer things she’s safe. I think this may be the first time she’s picked up on something happening. Dick thinks this so rad calling his former alliance stupid and retarded, an alliance that he formed and named. The America’s choice question involves Eric flattering someone incessantly to get the vote. I’m voting Jen. It’ll be nice to see someone be friendly to her for once.

Big Brother 8/5. A Banner Episode...

Previously on Big Brother, Eric targeted Nick despite America’s wishes, and eventually got him evicted, causing Danielle to huff and whine. Oh, and Dick lived up to his name regarding Jen, which also brought on a huffy fit from Danielle. Oh, and Amber cried. A lot. Like a lot, a lot. Oh, and we left midway through an HOH competition. They’re hanging upside down like bats getting pelted with shaving cream guano. Everyone’s just hanging out when suddenly Amber takes a tumble at the six-minute mark. And she’s crying seemingly, at the 4-minute mark of the show. Good work Amber. Kail says her faith made her hang on. I wonder whether God’s rooting for her or Jameka. Eric is DQed at the 9-minute mark. Jameka falls at the 10-minute mark. The fallen players are all talking about Nick’s speech to Danielle, saying that it effectively ended her real world relationship. Everyone is upset by relieved to see Nick gone. Except Eric. Who they’re apparently trying to make look more insane. That’s the only explanation for the haircut and change in editing. But we’re back to the hangings. But what’s this? A banner plane! Giving away secrets about the game! That says that Amber and Eric are liars. Amber claims that she can never ever lie, and then begins bawling. Eric is flipping out about the banner. Those affected parties and their cohorts are freaking out. Everyone’s seen the banner. Dani says that a light popped on in her head, and she put everything together. I doubt that. Zach drops out of the competition and Jameka is relieved. Dick drops out and is very pissed. This leaves Jess, Dani, Kail, and Jen. People are shouting words of encouragement to the players. Interesting that they don’t show Dick and Eric hurling foul insults at Jen and Kail like they were. Jess is the next one to drop off. Dani feels a really heavy weight on her shoulders. I think a feather would be a very heavy weight for Danielle though.

Can I just comment on how creepy that commercial of Julie Chen asking us if we like to watch is? Oh wait, here’s Dick hurling insults at Jen and Kail. He really is foul. Danielle’s not sure if she likes her dad’s strategy, but he seems to. He insults Kail as a Christian, which pisses Jameka off. Jen is now fighting back, bringing up that Dani is kind of an adulterous whore. Dani huffs. She’s so predictable. Jen is trying to deal with Dani, but Dani and Dick lay into her again. Eric is jumping now to attack Jen as well, trying to restore peace by yelling at Jen. Dani says that that was nice. New showmance a brewing? Jen drops out due to leg pain. Kail is now trying to deal with Danielle. Danielle won’t listen. Dani whines that Kail already has it. Kail makes a deal to be nominated but not evicted. Kail is officially the stupidest player of the season. Dani is so happy and Dick has puppet master in his eyes. Kail is crying because she couldn’t win. Eric is happy that Danielle won but is still freaking out about the banner. Jen is happy to be nominated again, because her replacement is usually the one to go home. Danielle proclaims that she wants to spice things up. Danielle is crying and huffing that they could have kept Nick. She keeps crying and huffing and Amber joins for a little bit before figuring out that neither of them were the other vote to keep Nick. Amber is immediately repeating what Danielle accused her of to Eric and Jameka, thus proving that the banner is true. Amber keeps swearing on her children and god that it wasn’t her. Jameka is thinking that something is tricksy here. I wonder if it’s a tricksy hobbit. Eric is looking really weasely nowadays and he is playing damage control like nobody’s business after the banner.

OOH! Shiny key! It means its time for a new HOH room, and we see the houseguests seeing Chris for the first time. Jen is pleased because all the pictures of her and Chris prove what an adulterous whore she’s been with Nick. Oh, and there’s a picture of Dick’s mom and Danielle, which makes him tear up. Danielle and Dick almost start strategizing the second the door shuts. Danielle is whining about Nick getting evicted again. Danielle has seemingly figured out that Eric is the leak in the alliance, which is actually wrong. He’s the vote but not the leak. Dick is downstairs and Eric tries to figure out what they know. Eric is pushing that the vote was Jen, but he’s pushing it a little hard. Dick is now convinced that Eric is the leak. Dick is sure he’s figuring out who and why, and it’s not Colonel Mustard with the Wrench in the Conservatory. His theory is blatantly wrong, which makes this a very funny strategy. They very stupidly go to Eric’s closest friend and tell her everything. Jessica tells the relatives that she’s with them. We then cut to her asking Eric if he was the vote, which he denies. Jessica tells Eric their idea, their plan, and everything. Eric is a small, angry man and he rages against Dick and Danielle in the diary room while making his newly found serial killer face with Jessica. It’s time for our America’s Choice question, where we can make Eric promise to take someone to the final two with them. Looks like BB is trying to screw Eric over even more than before.

We come back to spooky music and its in regards to Jen trying to talk to Danielle. Jen rallies for her and Kail to be nominated again. Jen is trying to smooth things over, and kind of lying, but she seems at times sincere. They have a small idiotic conversation about the mystery vote. It’s time for America’s choice task for Eric, who has to get Jen nominated again. Seriously, what’s with all the Jen hate? She’s done nothing to you but provide you entertainment. Eric, Dustin, Jameka, Danielle, and Dick are talking about the mystery vote and Dick accuses him of trying to sweep it under the rug. Eric’s excuses are starting to run dry, and Dick begins his rager of the episode. Surprisingly it’s not at Jen but at Eric. He yells at Eric at rages about the hammock. We get only one shot of the other group of houseguests, whose reactions are priceless. You should find the video of them. It’s where Zach figures out he has a ringworm. Surprise houseguests!

It’s nomination time and there’s little to no drama, because everyone know who’s going up. Dustin, Eric, Jameka, Amber (ugh), Dick, Jessica, and Zach are all safe, and surprise surprise Jen and Kail are the nominees. Déjà vu all over again as Yogi Berra would say. Everyone claps as Jen and Kail are nominated together for the third straight week. Kail gets the “you’re a competitor” excuse and Jen gets the “you asked for it” excuse. Kail still thinks she’s just a pawn even though this makes the third time. Jen’s just having funny. Danielle tells us to expect the unexpected with her veto plan. I say that unless she nominates Julie Chen, I won’t be surprised.

Big Brother 8/2. Did God Want Everyone To Get Haircuts?

Previously on BB8, no one cared that Mike left, people cared that someone voted to keep Mike, Jen emoted, Jameka saw God in a ping pong ball, Amber cried repeatedly (no surprise there), Dick yelled at Jen (no surprise there), and Jameka did God’s work, threatening Danielle’s reason to be a whiny brat. It’s time for our weekly dose of the Chen-bot, who starts talking about God, making me ponder questions about whether God is in the machine (the Chen-Bot). Apparently, they’re calling Jameka’s god-craziness divine intervention. As much as I like Jen, I wouldn’t exactly call it divine intervention. We’re treated to the monotone end to the veto meeting, before we launch into Nick as his creepy mustache pondering why he was nominated. Amber can be seen crying on the couch making it 5 minutes before we see fresh Amber tears. Kail is shocked by the move, especially that Amber was able to support it through tears. Kail is shocked by the number of people who supported Dustin’s move. Nick confronts Danielle about whether she knew and she immediately huffs and hides her face in her hands. I wouldn’t expect anything less from her. Nick says again he’s looking out for Danielle. Nick is trying to figure out what exactly happens, and asks Dick and Eric, who stammers and tries to avoid getting blamed. Zach comes out but Nick banishes back into the house, prompting Zach to say, “I thought I was close to you dude.” Amber is crying again, marking 7 minutes as the time it took Amber to cry twice. Nick asks if she knew what happens, and she immediately lies to him and blames Dustin. Amber tells Nick she loves him so much, which prompts the question why lie blatantly to him. Danielle is at least telling the truth in that she tried her huffiest to keep him from getting nominated. Nick swears on his life that he wasn’t the second vote to evict Kail, but that’s apparently not enough for Danielle, who huffs again, pissing Nick off, who storms away from her. He goes to confront Dustin, who is standing over a crying Amber comforting her (that makes 3 times in 10 minutes America), asking if he thought Nick was gonna bitch and cry about it. I couldn’t think of a more apt place to ask than in front of a crying Amber. But enough Amber crying, it’s time for Dick to attack Jen again. This is the first of three over-the-line attacks that he launched at her that night, using words like “scumbag” and telling her to “go f**k herself”. He talks about how self-centered she is and how bad a person she is for crying after being nominated. She plays it off and doesn’t let him get to her. Good for you Jen. Danielle is in the bathroom whining to Eric when Jen comes in and apologizes to Danielle for having to deal with Dick for her entire life. This pisses Danielle off, because how dare someone point out that her father’s a total douchebag. Oh wait, Danielle has done that earlier this season. It’s amazing how memories slip Danielle. Nick is apparently really angry, because we go to him shaving his head with no precedence. Even though the producers made him delay it for two weeks. We cut back downstairs to Danielle now huffing about how Jen is mean to her. It’s turning into a real catfight, and now Nick, newly mohawked, comes in and calls Jen a dumb bitch. Danielle is huffing and puffing but god forbid someone attack Jen that’s not Dick, so he jumps in on the attack, pouring tea on Jen’s head after Jen points out that Danielle stole her boyfriend from an engagement, and she’s now cheating on him. Nick now launches into her, and Jen just continues to deflect it, which just proves that she’s a better person than either member of that family. What really pisses me off is how this is completely edited from the feeds. On the feeds, Dick was a lot more foul to her, going way beyond the line to the point that Jen felt threatened and the entire house basically got pissed at Dick and vowed to Jen to protect her if he goes any farther. But God forbid the show depict Jen but anything as a vapid bitch and Dick as a fun guy. Amber is crying again while discussing how her crying may screw her over later in the game. I ponder that statement and finally think that Amber has no handle on the concepts of irony.

Nick doesn’t want to campaign, which he tells Amber while campaigning to stay in the house. Now its time for Eric shaving his head, joking about how Eric will now be the new house Casanova. But it’s time for our America’s player shenanigans, and Eric has to try to get Kail evicted, which throws a wrench into his plans. Eric is disappointed that they don’t value his strategic input. Eric starts bashing Kail in front of everyone. Will it be enough? I doubt it. Eric tries to do it again in the LNC crew meeting, although he’s just playing Devil’s advocate. Danielle and Dick apparently, now that Nick seems to indicate that he would be with them, are thinking they shouldn’t go with the group anymore. Julie immediately asks about Nick’s new do. Amber compliments I and manages not to cry for the first time tonight. Eric says he’s not trying to emulate Nick. Jen was unfazed by the tea incident because she’s used to Dick. Dick won’t apologize, and he still acts like what he didn’t wasn’t a douche-tastic move. Jameka hopes that God put her in the house to win.

It’s time for our chat with Dustin, where he apologizes for putting Jameka in a compromising position but is happy he was greedy because now he’s got 5 grand and a trip to Barbados. He mentions that Dick can go too far at times, but he doesn’t really care, because Dick takes the brunt of everyone’s anger then. It’s time to plead their cases. Kail likes everyone and looks forward to more good times. Nick acknowledges that he knows he’s going home and addresses Danielle, telling her that she screwed up his strategy because he became smitten with her. He thanks her for their time in the house and says it will be hardest walking away from her. I’m guessing a lot of girls swooned at that. I rolled my eyes. It’s votin’ time. Jen votes to evict Nick. Zach votes to evict Kail. Jameka votes Nick because God wants her to, I’m guessing.

So far it’s 2-1 to evict Nick. Eric is forced to evict Kail, and says the tried to evict Kail but can’t promise anything. Jessica votes to evict Nick. Amber votes to Nick, and looks to be on the verge of tears. No surprise. Dick votes to evict Nick, officially evicting him. Danielle votes to evict Nick as well, suppressing tears. Amber is crying now, even though Danielle is mostly holding it together. Nick hugs everyone, kisses Danielle on the cheek, and walks out to the great Julie Chen in the sky. Julie immediately starts asking Nick about the showmance, and he says its up to Danielle. Julie asks Nick who the second Kail vote was last week, he blames Jen. But Julie enlightens Nick to the America’s Player twist, and he seems to smile about it. The goodbye messages involve Zach asking Nick for a beer, Kail telling him that it should be Zach, Dick telling him he shouldn’t have kept his alliance secret, Amber crying, and Danielle crying less and telling him that he means more to her than he thinks.

It’s time for the HOH competition, and everyone is sent to the backyard after a day of indoor lockdown. It’s an endurance competition involving sitting on a metal pendulum. A large number of houseguests laugh at how lame the competition seems so far. It’s time for our America’s choice question, where we can yet again vote on whom we want nominated. I’m splitting my votes between Amber and Dick. I now hate both of them pretty much equally. Watching this I’ve got a great idea for an endurance competition. Since so many people call them hamsters, why not give each of them a hamster wheel and they have to move it at a certain speed to stay in the game. Last one standing wins. That’d be pretty fun. Now we get a twist in the HOH competition. Everyone has to hang upside down. One more twist is that they have to get pelted with shaving cream that’s supposed to be bird poo. Oh Big Brother, you so funny. Bird poo. Hilarious.

Big Brother 7/31. God Made Me Write This Recap.

Previously on Big Brother, the house lost a personality equivalent to a ficus, everyone pondered a mystery vote, Amber showed her lack of knowledge of the English language, Dustin won HOH and was swayed, Danielle made out with Nick and then whined about the situation to Dad, and Kail and Jen were nominated for the second straight week in a row. We enter the house circa 1940 (I’m guessing, because it’s kind of black and white) with Kail and Jen freshly nominated. Dick is very pleased because his nominations are up there. Dick, I’m guessing, thinks it’s his single-handed accomplishment. Dick congratulates Dustin. Kail thinks she’s a pawn, but she’s very wrong. Jen, finally showing emotion, goes to the bathroom and cries in secret. If I needed to reiterate why I love Jen, it’s because of moments like this. She is clearly so strong but also so vulnerable, and she doesn’t feel like people can see her with a chink in her armor. Dustin and Kail go into HOH and Dustin informs Kail that neither Jen nor Kail is the intended target, Zach is, and Jen will go home if the nominations don’t change. Dustin is all sympathetic, and then he goes into the Diary Room and says Kail shouldn’t trust him. Jen is cleaning herself up and Nick comes to comfort her, as does Kail. Jen reiterates how hurt she is and Kail reassures her that they’ll survive again. Jen says she’s not crying because she’s scared to go home, she just doesn’t get why she’s nominated. Kail tells her to be strong. I find this very funny, because they are the reverse. Amber, having witnessed the entire situation, immediately goes and tells Dustin that Jen is a fake bitch and Nick is comforting her, how dare he. Dustin thinks there’s a leak in the alliance of 7. Amber seriously blames everyone in the house for everything. I bet she’s gonna go cry about it Very quickly, it’s time to pick veto players. Kail doesn’t want Dick, Danielle, or Zach playing. Dustin picks Danielle. Jen picks Jameka who believes that Jen picking her ball means God wants her to win it for Jen. Kail picks Jessica. Eric is chosen as host and dances like a monkey. Dustin informs them that they have 17 hours. It’s time for God Talk with Kail and Jameka, where they strongly believe that God cares about the goings on in the Big Brother house, and if your ball gets picked, God wants you to win. Jameka assures Jen that God’s gonna give her the win and she’ll take Jen off if she wins. Jen thanks her and is very happy that she’s God-fearing. Jameka tells Dustin and Dick this, and Dick clearly looks frustrated by Jameka believing in God’s will. I somehow don’t think Dick would question this if it were Danielle in Jen’s position. Hypocrite. Dick can’t believe it, and it’s reiterated by power chords in the background. Seriously Big Brother, because he’s a rocker dad you put power chords behind him in the Diary Room? Jameka doesn’t care about Dick’s opinion because he’s an atheist and calls himself Evil. Dick agrees that God probably has better things to do, and thinks that this is Jameka’s personal agenda. I no longer care what Dick says though, because on the feeds he has now gone above and beyond in attacking Jen, spouting vile shit and pouring tea on her. So Dick, even though I agree, I don’t really care what you say.

It’s time for a veto competition, and Eric comes out dressed like a pretentious Frenchmen. Apparently, everyone does. This week’s challenge involves the Big Brother art gallery. There’s wine and cheese for everyone (even those on slop?). The challenge revolves around Vincent Van Veto (Oh Big Brother, you so funny). It’s about slogans interpreted through art. It’s complicated, involving Big Brother bucks. Danielle gets the first one (Head of Household). Danielle gets number two as well (Memory wall). She’s clever that one. But a whiny brat too. They cancel each other out. Kail gets number 3. Danielle eliminates herself on number 4. After number 4, they can purchase certain items. The first thing is a trip for two to Barbados and Dustin takes it for 750 dollars and people are pissed off seemingly, because he told others to fight for the veto. Dick calls him a jackass. Kail massively botches the next one and eliminates herself. Kail is pissed because the pawn always goes home (Big Brother very cruelly rings the ding ding at this comment). Dustin gets Julie Chen, then chopping block, putting him in the lead by 750 dollars. Up next is another sale item, and it’s 5 grand. Dustin rings in again, getting himself some spending money for Barbados. Amber, in the diary room, doesn’t think this was nice and starts bawling about how Jameka could have taken it as well. Very nice Amber. Cry about something pointless again. Jen rings in on the last one, answers very wrongly, takes a sip of wine, and gives Jameka the power of veto. Dick immediately accuses Jen of purposefully botching the last one because Jameka promised to use it. Again, I’m guessing he’s right. And again, I believe that Jen is a genius. It’s a brilliant strategy. Jameka regrets telling her that she would take her off if she won. Jameka, what if God wanted you to tell her, because then the game would play out the way it did. Did you think of that? No? I guess you need to be heathen to think smart like that.

When we come back, Dick is confronting Dustin about his wicked, wicked ways. Dick says he wouldn’t have done it (I don’t fully believe this), and Dustin admits that he was selfish. So what, this is a game for personal gain. Amber is so mad right now, and looks like she’s crying again. Jameka stands by that she’s following God’s will (over church organs. Amber says she wouldn’t have taken the money (Again, I don’t believe this). Jameka calls god a gangster (Jameka, you rock). Amber is crying again because Dustin is greedy and because Jameka is such a beautiful person. Can someone remove Amber’s tear ducts? PLEASE? Dustin admits that he needs money, and Eric listens to him but chastises him in the diary room. Is it just me, or is everyone backstabbing a lot more this year. Dick starts yelling at Jen again for letting Jameka win. Jen is actually fighting back this time, but she just ignores him at the end and walks away. Kail wonders why Dick cares so much. Dick claims he says everyone is thinking it, which Kail contradicts, to which Dick responds that she doesn’t matter. Great logic there Dick. Everyone seems to be disagreeing with him and telling him to shut up though. I’m not sure if anything more happens here, because it seems like CBS may have cut to commercial in the middle of the show. That, or the cast of The Invasion just joined the Big Brother house.

It’s time for our America’s player shenanigans. Eric has to repeat “I’d Do That For A Dollar” repeatedly. He seems to take it in stride. First he goes into a pillowcase, and they drag him around the yard in it. He pitches the idea to Dick about Amber’s ridiculous expressions and repeatedly saying some dumb expression “I’d do that for a dollar”. Dick bites at the pitch. Eric keeps repeating, much to some houseguests’ chagrin. He jumps in the pool with all his clothes on for a dollar. I hate the phrase already. Why couldn’t it be Sweet Chicken America? We’re finally introduced to the LNC as it stands (or the alliance of 7). The have to decide between Nick and Zach. The group seems to be going towards Nick and Danielle looks like she’s about to break down and have another hissy fit. Eric is fighting to get rid of Nick. Danielle tries to get Jen kicked out, even though Jameka is adamant about using the veto. Amber contradicts that Nick does the same thing that she claims Jen does. Danielle walks out of the HOH room, and I’m surprised she isn’t huffing. Instead, she’s crying in the bathroom and claiming that Amber is personally attacking her. Jessica points out that Danielle’s romantic drama is not theirs to deal with and it’ll be better for her. Jameka reiterates that she wants Zach gone. We get dramatic music and pictures of the houseguests. Get it, because there’s drama in the house? No, I know its just filler, but I’m trying to make this recap snazzy.

It’s time for Jameka to stare at the memory wall and look ponderous. Jameka reiterates that she’s prayed to check if what she’s doing is right. Zach still thinks Dustin won’t put him up. Nick is not worried either. Kail thinks that Zach should be put up if Jameka uses the veto. It’s time for the veto meeting. Jen argues that everything happens for a reason and she enjoys being here. Kail isn’t going to ask Jameka to use the veto on her over her friend. Jameka says she’s learned things about certain people’s characters. Jameka says she wants her actions to speak more than her words, and she unsurprisingly vetoes Jen. Amber looks on the verge of tears again. Does the woman do anything but cry and backstab people, sometimes at the same time? Dustin makes a speech about people playing all sides and nominates Nick. Danielle looks ready to huff off again. And with the slamming of the veto case, the meeting is adjourned. Danielle cries in the diary room because she doesn’t have many people in the house. Dustin says it’s a game and people shouldn’t get too attached. Nick says he’s nominated because he’s a threat down the line. Kail is bewildered as to what’s happening, and she yet again doesn’t feel safe. Jen is more upset over Nick’s nomination than her own, and calls Dustin a turd. Amber is crying AGAIN. A woman this unstable should not be allowed to have children. Take away her daughter Child Services. She can keep her dog. They’re the same in her heart, right?

Just FYI, this is my current ranking of the houseguests:
1) Jen
2 (tie) Eric/Jessica
4) Jameka
(BIG GAP HERE)
5) Kail
6) Dustin
7) Nick
8)Zach
(ANOTHER BIG GAP HERE)
9) Danielle
10(tie) Dick/Amber- I really wish we could evict both in one fell swoop.

Big Brother. Lazy (Television) Sunday...

Previously on Big Brother 8, Danielle further embarrassed her boyfriend on national television, Dick got Mike (Who?) out of the house, Eric’s vote threw the house into disarray, and Dustin won HOH, unfortunately guaranteeing Amber another week of safety. We come into the house in it’s full two-tone glory, and immediately go to the Diary Room to hear Kail praising God for saving her ass and Dick immediately launches into terrorizing Kail and Jen. Oh Dick, you’re so predictable. Jen defends herself (rightly) but Dick will have none of that. Nick thinks it was Jessica and tells Amber such. Amber, being the backstabbing bitch she is (you will see more hatred towards her) immediately goes to Jess and begins to blame Nick. Eric is just glad that his name isn’t being mentioned, and tries to deflect to Jen again. But Amber seems to be stirring the Nick pot, and I think the pot may be filled with her tears. Amber “knows in her heart” it was Nick. Dick asks Jen why she would vote to keep Mike and Jen says that she didn’t because she wouldn’t vote against the house. Dick picks up that Jen somehow knows how the house is turning, and Amber immediately blames Nick for that as well. I wonder if she’s gonna start blaming her crying on him too. It’s time for HOH shenanigans though, and, look, Amber’s crying. Dustin won, and she thinks that “SHE and Dustin” deserved it because they’re the strongest alliance in the house. I’m not going to touch all the problems with the sentence. Kail’s worried, but Jen isn’t, because she’s done nothing to him. Dustin’s HOH room is revealed, and all the pictures of his family get Amber crying (Again? Seriously?) and Kail thinking, “Gee, Dustin’s parents don’t mind him being gay. I wonder why?” Dustin breaks down over a letter from home, and does his best Amber impersonation. Dick and Amber get in a fight over whether children and pets have equal footing. Sucks to be Amber’s daughter, knowing that the dog is equal with you. Amber would apparently give her life for her dog. How did she pass her psych evaluation? The fight escalates and Amber proclaims that she’s done with him. I bet she tries to get him nominated. Tearfully.

Finally, we get some mention of the Dick at Nite show, where dick wanders around the house at night and causes mischief. Danielle is the first one we see pranked. She looks to be at wit’s end. Our next segment is Zach talking about creepy sexual things of his. Everyone looks mortified. Jameka dislikes Zach, but apparently she’s not the only one, as he goes around the house aggravating everyone. Zach wants to visit Danielle out of the house and offers her an egg. I feel uncomfortable for her. We get to revisit the Danielle//Dick drama, complete with Danielle being a whiny toddler and Dick throwing a pillow. She complains that he never listens to her and whines about not being treated with respect. I expect many a 15 year old around the country are saying ditto. Danielle makes the good point that she didn’t want to do this here. Danielle just whines while Dick tries to reason with her. She calls him a mean friend and says he doesn’t know her and huffs and puffs. Dick admits that he’s made mistakes, but Danielle just sulks. Dick comes across of heartfelt whereas Danielle just comes across as whiny. The victory goes to Dick. My viewing mate says that we don’t know what happened in their past and this is clearly affecting Danielle. My response is that Danielle also bitches and moans about Nick but then makes out with him and lets her boyfriend, a man she has said she cares deeply about, watch it on national television. So I’m pretty sure her emotions aren’t exactly trustworthy.

Upon our return, we get a piece on Eric and Jessica’s flirting. We get him flipping her and twirling her. It’s time for a medieval themed food competition. I think. They’re all kind of dressed like bootleg knights. Some of the funnier pairings are Dick and Kail (“A match made in hell”) and Eric and Zach (Stuck together because Zach would stop poking Eric who was sitting next to him). Dustin completely mispronounces sword and the competition commences. Jess and Jameka are the first to finish their egg and they win the competition. They get to choose the five people on slop for the week. First they pick Dick because he hasn’t been on slop yet. Zach is next because he’s creepy. Kail is next. Then Nick because they want to weaken him. Jessica is cutthroat. I’d watch out Eric. Jen is the last person on slop, and she’s pleased because it’s gonna help her avoid overeating. Then there’s some idiocy involving Dustin and his outfit. I don’t particularly care.

When we come back, Dick is pressuring Jen about whether she’s had a boob job. He’s insistent that she had one and puts words in her mouth about her enjoyment. He’s really pressuring her about her having plastic surgery. It’s kind of more off-putting. Jen neither confirms nor denies. Dick needs to lay off. Kail is trying to pressure Dustin into putting up Dick and Zach. Dustin doesn’t give her any answers, but proclaims to the camera that he’s like putty in his hands. Jen is next to talk to Dustin and brings up that pesky vote for Kail, and compares it to the mystifying mustard incident. The camera very smartly shows Eric doing both. Hehe Big Brother. Eric is told to get Jen nominated again. At the Late Night Crew (the name for the alliance of Dustin, Dick, Danielle, Jameka, Amber, Eric, and Jessica) meeting, Zach’s name is thrown out, and Kail seems like a sure thing. Eric gives a great scenario and basically gets Jen nominated. Eric, I like you. But I like Jen more. And I realize America is making you do this. But the whole “shooting the messenger” thing comes to mind. Plus, I’m pretty sure all the badmouthing you do isn’t because of America.

It’s nomination time, which means it’s time for footage of Dustin staring at the memory wall. Jen doesn’t think she’ll be nominated, nor does Zach. Kail’s nervous, but hopes it’s only as a pawn. Dustin warns us that not everyone’s going to be happy, and you can’t please everyone all at once. Apparently out of clichés, it’s time for the nomination ceremony. This week’s nominations are based on competitiveness and strategy. Like every other ceremony isn’t. Amber is safe (ugh), then Jessica, Dick, Jameka, Nick, Zach, Danielle, and finally Eric, meaning for the second straight week Jen and Kail are the nominees. Jen is nominated because she’s a strong competitor, and Kail has exhibited questionable behavior. Kail is really worried and she still thinks she’s a pawn. Dustin says that he wants Kail gone this week. Jen is finally fazed by this, as she can be seen crying in the bathroom. She didn’t think she’d done anything to Dustin. You didn’t Jen. America just doesn’t get you. But I do. Let's be friends?

Big Brother 7/26. An Eviction As Thrilling As The Evictee

Previously on Big Brother 8, Kail realized that her boys bailed on her, her enemy won HOH, she backtracked and sold everyone else out, got nominated, had her plans blow up in her face, and made the sorriest showing I’ve ever remembered in a veto competition. Oh, and Mike finally did something of interest. It was shocking to say the least. Not Mike’s self sacrifice, the idea that someone could have been that personality-less to only pop up in the third week. Julie Chen, wearing something NOT from the veto competition but with hair as big as ever. But we’re quickly transported back into our two-tone house for the veto ceremony aftermath. Kail doesn’t like having to sit next to Mike on the block. Dick apologizes to Mike citing “It’s just game”. That’s not what you said after Veto Dick. Tsk Tsk. Immediately, Dick is going around telling people to vote out Mike. So much for “Kail, you’re going home this week”. Seriously Dick, you scream at Kail for not keeping you word, and then you break your own word? Tsk tsk. Immediately, Kail is seen campaigning against Mike after complaining that she doesn’t want to have to campaign against Mike. Kail, seriously. Dick was right. Jen tells Kail that Mike isn’t a good player (another astute observation that goes to my theory that Jen is actually smart), then goes to him and basically says Kail’s done. There’s more discussion of getting Mike out. It’s all starting to run together. America wants Eric to get Kail evicted, which is a problem for Eric, seeing as how the house is now planning to unanimously evict Mike. Eric is really sly with all this stuff. Good choice in America’s player CBS. During a strategy talk in the HOH room, Dick starts farting a lot, which clearly irks Jameka. Eric is still pushing Kail really well, but people don’t seem to be buying it. Well, maybe a little bit. But not a whole lot. It’s gonna be an uphill battle for Eric here. We get a tease about Danielle’s outside boyfriend (I feel bad for the guy) and our houseguest vote live, but first (Julie, I thought you’d never say it!) we get ramblings about the nominees from Dustin, Zach, and Jessica.

When we come back, we’re treated to Julie talking with the houseguests. First up is Zach for streaking, which the houseguests watch the video of and guffaw. Zach streaked because he needed to get his “high” back. Julie asks Jameka, who’s lying low, asks about those with big personalities, which she doesn’t really address. Julie asks Jen about the mustard incident, who says she’s dropped the investigation. Eric is asked about his wrestling match with Jen, who makes jokes about his size and Jen’s strength. Abut now it’s on to the Nick/Danielle drama. We watch them flirt some more, then we get to watch Dick insult the boyfriend in comparison to Nick. Then we get to meet the schlub. He mentions that their relationship has gone to pondering marriage and he calls her his soulmate. He says that Nick is the guy who makes all the good guys like him look bad. Apparently, she told him to trust her before going in the house. We get to see Danielle being whiny about the situation that she got herself into. The boyfriend just calls her confused and says he’s not worried about it, but it still hurts. And then Nick and Danielle make out under the sheets, as the boyfriend says, “I can’t wait for her to come home”. Kudos BB editors, you like your segments mean. It’s time for the HOH chat, and Julie asks about his relationship with Danielle. Dick says things are going well and he’s finally getting discussions and hugs. He doesn’t trust Nick and would boot him tonight if he could. Dick jokingly denies calling out people, but then embraces himself and says he’s just putting everything in the open. He then compares Kail’s mind to a cavern, and I can’t think of a better way to describe it. We’re teased with a segment about Jen where Julie Chen actually says that ‘The houseguests call her a vain, robotic bitch who’s favorite word is I” In my opinion, Julie Chen should never utter the word robotic. It only highlights her, ahem, situation (Cough Cough Chen-Bot Cough Cough). But I do think that this will probably be the best thing to come out of Julie Chen’s mouth all season. Unless she starts spouting a binary solo (Shout out to all the Flight Of The Conchords fans out there).

It’s time for our Jen story. Jen basically admits that she’s not like she is in real life. She got straight As in high school (I Knew It!). Apparently, Jen is used to looking over her photos down with rigor, so her bad photo meltdown wasn’t that unexpected. Apparently, Jen’s friend told her to play dumb. I feel so vindicated. But enough pointless backstories, it’s evictin’ time! Mike’s final speech talks about moving out of comfort zones and doing what you believe in, which for him involves sacrifice. Mike uses a lot of big words, but I’m pretty sure he’s just trying to impress us. Julie cuts him off mid-way through speech, but he continues anyways. Kail appreciates everyone’s friendship and wants to keep furthering those friendships. It’s around now that I notice that Nick is trying to look like a porn version of Don Juan. It’s so bad it’s funny. Zach’s the first vote and he votes to evict Kail. Jameka votes to evict Mike. Jen doesn’t look sure, but she votes to evict Mike. Dustin, wearing a far better fake mustache than Nick’s real one, votes to evict Mike, making it 3-1 as we go to commercial.

And we’re back, with Eric’s voting orders to vote Kail, but Julie asks who Eric would wanna be in a relationship with. Eric responds anyone. I’m sure America is gonna take you up on that. Amber evicts Mike. Nick evicts Mike. Danielle evicts Mike. Jessica evicts Mike. It’s time to reveal the result. It’s 7-2 and Mike is evicted from the Big Brother house. Kail doesn’t look at all shocked and stops to give flowers to everyone on the way out. He goes out like a gentleman, hugging all the ladies. Kail, now that he’s gone, is crying. Dick immediately starts accusing Jen of voting to evict Kail. Eric looks terrified of being accused. Julie immediately tells him that people are saying his move is the dumbest ever. His goodbye messages are mixed between nice and telling him he’s an idiot that lacks a personality. Wow, Mike is so lacking in personality that he only gets one question from Julie. That’s saying something. Even Carol got multiple questions.

We’re back for the HOH competition. This week’s competition is called “Eliminator”. It’s about Carol, Joe, Mike, or none of the above. If you get it right, you can eliminate someone. If you get it wrong, you’re eliminated. Eric gets the first one right and eliminates Jen. Dustin gets the second one right and eliminates Zach. Nick gets the next one and knocks out Kail. Jameka gets the next and knocks out Nick. Dustin eliminates Jessica next. Eric eliminates Amber. Eric eliminates Danielle as well. Eric knocks himself out next. Dustin gets the next one right and wins HOH. Which means another week of safety for Amber. Ugh. She looks like she’s crying right now though. I remember why I truly disliked her. She slipped out of my mind for doing nothing of any interest this week. But before we finish this week, we get our America’s choice question on who we want him to nominate. I’m not gonna suggest Amber, because I like Eric and that would be impossible. I’m really starting to get over Nick. I’m think that’s where my votes may lie. Julie asks Dustin how it feels and what Joe is thinking. Dustin thinks Joe’s probably pissed but he loves being HOH. Dustin feels more at home now that Joe is gone, and he proclaims life as back to normal. Dick’s advice is to lie low. Kail is touched to the heart that everyone kept her this week. She seems more touched in the head than the heart. Julie shlocks the week’s upcoming events, and we get to eavesdrop on the houseguests, where Dustin proclaims his ego boost is down. I wonder where his mustache went. That was one kickass mustache.