State of VH1: I Love Money Season 2

So, this season of I Love Money has been up and down. It hasn’t quite lived up to season one, I think mainly due to a distinct lack of villainy, ala Megan from last season. I feel like they weren’t sure who people would like, so no one is distinctly evil. There are certainly people who I didn’t like (Oh, hey The Entertainer), but there sure isn’t a true villain.

But let’s not focus on the bad, let’s focus on the good: Namely Frenchie and It (and to a lesser extent, Myammee and Saaphyri). Seriously, Frenchie and It are just frickin hilarious. I just want more of them. VH1 hasn’t used their confessionals nearly enough. Frenchie is, well, herself. Meaning AMAZING. The way they subtitle her in broken English is just kind of fantastic. Seriously, that woman is comedic gold. Plus, her broken English has led to the best recurring joke of the season, the word “alliance” getting mangled into “lion.” But It might even be more entertaining. His dancing at Cali and the exit song he sang to her about what an idiot she was will be a VH1 classic. As was his talking Saaphyri out of quitting this week when he told her that the little girls who look up to her and use her lip chap would lose an idol and become drug addicts. Seriously, I’m convinced he’s secretly brilliant. And F’n hilarious.
Dream Final Two?

Sure, there are weak links. Ice is such a non-entity that it actually aggravates me. The continuous use of the word “devil” to describe anyone’s enemy is irksome. The knowledge of the games’ rules has become a complete pain in the ass because the contestants keep trying to exploit them. But it’s still wildly entertaining. I desperately want a Frenchie and It final 2. I doubt it will happen, but a boy can trashily dream, right?

Also, in case you were wondering, my thoughts on the Rock of Love finale: Better than expected, but still weak. I mean, you weren’t gonna get anything else with Taya and Mindy there. I didn’t mind him picking Taya, since I didn’t really care. I’m just looking forward to heavy doses of Ashley at the reunion.

State of VH1: Rock Of Love Bus Final Two= LAME

Note: This is the first post of a series that will run this upcoming week, the State of VH1. Kind of like the State of the Union, but dedicated to my favorite provider of Trash TV. Also, this post mentions some unsavory things. But I'm talking about VH1, so how could I not?

So, Rock of Love Bus is down to its final two classy and sophisticated women, Mindy(on the right) and Taya(on the left). And I think that I speak for all VH1 fans in saying LAME. This has to be the weakest final two in VH1’s history. For how much I love this show (roughly the same as how much the women on these shows love alcohol), its saying something that I really don’t care who wins. Because it’s going to be boring either way.

See, that’s been the problem with this season. Bret seems to be trying to make this show as boring as possible. Going back to the first episode, Bret eliminated two girls who would have certainly provided good television (read: trainwrecks). These are the two girls who participated in the hoo-ha shot hear round the world (one girl did a test tube shot out of the others nether-regions. Like I said, these women are classy and sophisticated). I mean, I understand getting rid of them from a personal health point of view, but from a good TV one? That’s just unacceptable.

And then, three weeks ago, the last straw broke. He got rid of Ashley. Ashley, along with friend Farrah, was the sole reason that the show was entertaining for a large portion of the season. She was, as VH1’s hilarious blog so accurately put it, a walking youtube comment. She was just this awesomely acid tongued critique of the other girls. And then Bret gets rid of her. Now, who will say things like “I didn’t know they made bikinis in size fat f*#k,” “Kami’s all like ‘I’ve been a stripper for 10 years.’ Bitch, you look like you’ve been a stripper for 30 years,” or scream “People who eat basil are LAME!” Certainly not Taya or Mindy. Because, they are, as Ashley would put it, LAME.

So yeah, this is a really weak final two. I guess I’m rooting for Mindy, because she’s occasionally entertaining (and because I’m scared of Taya’s gigantic vag. No, seriously, look up her penthouse spread. It’s terrifying. You can find it somewhere on Bourgy). But, yeah, basically LAME.

Thanks and No Thanks

Well, I’m a day late and more than a few dollars short, but I’ve compiled a list of things to be thankful for and things to lament this TV year:

I’m Thankful For:

Slap Bets: Not only was the original episode my favorite episode of television of the past year, but every subsequent payoff has been pitch perfect, including this most recent Slapsgiving episode.

The Writer’s Strike: I know this is surprising to see here, but as a writer who is hoping to break into TV, this strike will be key in getting fair wages for any future work I do.

Pushing Daisies: For bringing fairy tale and whimsy and quality back to primetime television. Also, for finally bringing Bryan Fuller the success he so deserves.

Alec Baldwin and “30 Rock”: For making “The Office” more than a fluke for NBC.

Rock of Love: If only for teaching me that it’s never a good idea to threaten a person with a good time. Especially if they’re a drunken stripper.

Imaginationland: For violating everything my childhood held dear, and making me love that violation.

My Readers: It makes me feel really good about myself when people read my blog. So, sentimental “aw” moment: Thanks for reading guys. “Awwwwwww”


I’m NOT Thankful For:

The Writer’s Strike: While I support what they’re doing, there’s a good chance that it’ll seriously hurt a bunch of good freshman shows.

Meredith Not Dying on Grey's Anatomy: I hate her. I hate her so much. I want to punch her anytime I’m reminded of her “Choose Me. Pick Me. Love Me” speech.

I Love New York Season 2: Because it’s nowhere near as good as season one.

The Cancellation of Studio 60: Because it had such good potential, but still couldn’t find viewers.

The Way Veronica Mars Ended: I seriously wanted to punch my TV. That’s the way they ended my favorite show?

Lorena on The Amazing Race: It takes a special something to become one of my most hated reality competitors three episodes into a season. Kudos, Lorena. Kudos.

Most Reality Shows on the CW: Beauty and the Geek and America’s Next Top Model, those I can live with. But, seriously, “The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll”? The Upcoming “Crowned: The Ultimate Mother Daughter Beauty Pageant”? The Upcoming “Farmer Wants A Wife”? Someone sold their soul to the devil for development deals…


Overall though, I’m a lot more thankful for this past year than I am sad about it. While we lost some great shows, we gained some other great ones. Good times, people. Good times.

Sunday Premieres

While it’s no longer premiere week, tonight boasts 5 returning shows worth mentioning, so I thought I’d let you know who’s making their first weekly reappearance in your homes…

Dexter: America’s favorite serial killer is back tonight. When I originally watched the first episode I didn’t dig it that much, but upon rewatching it this summer, I actually discovered what an awesome show it is. That actually is the case with a bunch of other shows that I now love too (for example, House and How I Met Your Mother both didn’t wow me the first time around). I’ve seen the first two episodes of this season, and boy, they do still rock. Especially the end of episode one, which will be the event to propel the season forward. So watch this.

Desperate Housewives: Welcome back to Wisteria Lane. This show had a really good first season, a dismal second one, and a meh third one. There’s a decent chance I’ll abandon this one if it looks to be going downhill. Tonight brings the introduction of the first gay couple on Wisteria lane who play foils to the town skeleton, Teri Hatcher, as well as a few veteran TV actors playing a new family. Yay for Nathan Fillion getting work…

Brothers and Sisters: I gotta say, it’s really a tossup for my favorite new show from last season. Sometimes I think it’s Heroes, other times I think it’s this one. The Walker family returns tonight and sees Justin coming back from war injured, Kitty doing things that will most likely aggravate me, and some other dramatic stuff. I actually do like this show; don’t let the blurb mislead you.

American Dad: I’m kind of ashamed to say that I watch this show occasionally. It’s really not very good, yet I still watch it. I don’t know why. So, yeah, may or may not watch this one.

Brotherhood: I tried to get into Brotherhood. I really did. I recognize that it’s a really good show, which is why I’m mentioning it here. I just couldn’t get into it. Maybe some other time.

If none of these float your boat, you’ve got the continuing seasons of The Simpsons, Family Guy, King of the Hill, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Robot Chicken tonight. But the show that I KNOW I will be watching is the season finale of Rock of Love. Will it be Heather, the 32 year old stripper with a healthy appetite and not enough foresight to get Bret Michael’s name tattooed on the back of her neck, or Jes, the younger, prettier, pink haired girl who wasn’t going to be eliminated but got a reprieve when another girl dropped out (cough cough Heather). The suspense is killing me. That and the alcohol poisoning one gets simply from watching the show. But how I love it…

Readers, I've Got A Fever, And The Only Cure Is More Celebreality

I have a confession to make. My name is Nate, and I’m an alcoholic. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the fact that my name is Nate, and I’m a Celebreality addict. VH1 is my dealer, and I couldn’t be happier about the situation. I have become dependent on Celebreality for my fix of trash, and boy does it ever fulfill my need. Keeping in mind the trashy comedic brilliance of shows like Flavor of Love (FLAVA FLAV!), I Love New York (I do, and always will have love for New York), and Charm School (I’m now terrified of Monique), VH1’s newest variety and possibly it’s crown jewel, Rock of Love, has pushed me over the top, forcing to me to proclaim from the rooftops “I Love This Show!”

This is not to say that I love “Rock of Love’ anymore than any of VH1’s other fine offerings. I love them all equally, like a parent loves a child. But Rock of Love is my current Celebreality drug of choice, which is why this is the subject of this post. When I Love New York 2 comes on (Please God, let it be soon), it will get many a post as well. If and when Charm School 2 comes on (Flavor of Love Girls vs. Rock of Love girls, perhaps?), it will get many a post. But for now, Rock of Love has the spotlight.

I honestly don’t think you could get any trashier than Rock of Love, and that’s the way I like it. I think more alcohol has been consumed in the first 3 days of Rock of Love than in the entirety of the first season of I Love New York. I think more alcohol has been consumed in the first three days than in the entirety of America’s frat houses the past college year. And boy, does it get these girls riled up. I mean, when discussing alcohol and Rock of Love, immediately Tiffany comes to mind.

In the first 5 minutes of the first episode, Big John, Bret Michaels’ friend and security, eliminates 5 girls, one of them being Tiffany.
But Tiffany came all the way out here, she even got a hat (She reiterates this repeatedly) and she’s not leaving this easily. So she bangs on the door and refuses to leave. The producers, seeing gold in this woman, allow her to stay. What does she do? What all the other girls did when they first entered the house; Make a beeline for the bar. Tiffany, figuring she has to catch up, gets beyond plastered, starts picking fights with the other woman (who are also all drunk), gets on the stripper pole conveniently located in the middle of the living room, and slurs her way through the rest of the episode. At about the 30-minute mark, VH1 begins subtitling her. By the end of the episode, it’s pretty much all “?????????” with the exception of her repeated phrase “Don’t threaten me with a good time”. She barely survives that night’s elimination, probably solely because the producers realized what amazing TV this woman could provide, and the next day she realizes she’s drunk too much. But it’s time for their first challenge, where the ladies, in front of one another, have to have phone sex with Bret and the three ladies who do best win dates with Bret. Now, this is all measured by Dr. Roy (who, the show tells us, is not an accredited doctor) and his machine that measures the blood flow to Brett’s wang. Yes, you read that right. This competition worries Tiffany. What’s the best way to get rid of those worries? You guessed it. Get plastered. Tiffany is a complete mess on the phone, tips Bret off that it’s her by telling him not to threaten her with a good time, and receives her third strike. She’s eliminated that night and I cry a little, because I don’t have anyone to threaten with a good time anymore.

But Tiffany isn’t the only trainwreck there. She’s just one of many, many trainwrecks. I mean, there are Brandi C and Christia who think that they should be best friends and sisters because they’re blonde and have big boobs.

Seriously though, if everyone in this house who had big boobs acted like siblings, this would be a dysfunctional family reunion. Not to be outdone in the boob department though, you have a contestant like Erin, who even the other big boobed girls say has “clown tits”. That’s a direct quote.

And I guess Erin’s clown tits scare them (I’m even a little scared by them. I think if I got too close they could swallow me like quicksand) because, as she’s telling some of the girls about an ex-fiancée, contestants like Heather are thinking that she shouldn’t be there because she has a fiancée. Not an ex-fiancée, they’re sure, because they only have selective hearing, that she has a fiancée. I’m wondering if it’s an ex-fiancée because he left her or because he got swallowed up by them things on her chest.

And the final match up of note is between Lacey, a member of PETA, and Dallas, who only wears animals and eats them. This is a fun one folks. You see, Dallas used to have a bunny rabbit, but she has rabbit skin coats. I bet her neighbors are wondering what happened to that giant litter of Dalmatian puppies they had. She also tells Lacey that if an animal were in the room right now, she’d slit its throat. Lacey is mortified, as is most of America. But the next episode, there’s a showdown between Lacey in a PETA shirt and Dallas in every dead animal in the house. Lacey’s now pissed, so she tries to get Dallas to slug her and get her kicked off the show. She’s really antagonizing her and the other woman somehow manage to see through their drunken hazes and realize shits about to go down.
So as Lacey’s about to confront Dallas on a flight of metal stairs (Good Thinking Lacey!), Rodeo, who I’m about 75% sure is actually a man, steps in, puts Lacey in a chokehold, and wrangles her to the floor. And I didn’t even have to pay 8 dollars to watch it.

So you see, Rock of Love is just about as trashy as you can get. And I love it for that. Where else can you find woman who wake up after a night of heavy drinking, make their way to the in-house bar, and make a giant batch of Fuzzy Navels? Nowhere America. Well, besides The View.

PS: I just read that casting has begun on not only a third season of Flavor of Love, but also a second season of Charm School featuring the Rock of Love girls. Dreams really do come true.