The Mole 6/2- Yes, It Was Worth Peeing My Pants Over

It’s here! It’s here! Yay! According to host Jon Kelly, they’re gonna be pushed to the the brink. We get brief intros to all of the contestant, but they go by too fast for me to get decent impressions of them. The players all meet up at a Waterfall. They are immediately given a secret ballot and half to guess which one is the mole. They pick Marcie, who is pleased. She is immediately given power over the group for 44 hours.

Jon (who is already nowhere near as good as Anderson Cooper and nowhere near as bad as Ahmad Rashad) tells them that their first task will be riding a raft over a waterfall and jumping for cash. Marcie gets to decide who jumps for money (as some of them are) and who jumps for worthless bags. Alex is up first and he completely misses. Immediately, accusations of being the Mole fly. Ali is next and she prayed to Jebus. Jebus helps her, but not that much, as she gets fingers on it but loses the bag. Clay is up next and informs us that attorneys don’t usually jump waterfalls. Thanks for that informative tip Clay. He manages to get his bag. Kristen, one of my first mole suspects, gets her bag, already making me look like an idiot. Bobby, next, is worried about hanging himself, but gets the bag. Liz, a 60 year old retiree, also gets her bag, and I already like her because she’s a tough old broad. Paul, who is worried about getting bested by a 60 year old lady, gets bested by a 60 year old lady. Victoria, a cheerleader in college, sits on her raft as it goes over the edge and misses the bag. Craig, my other initial Mole suspect, just misses his, and apparently something dramatic happens as people gasp and we go to commercial.

SIDENOTE: As much as I wish it wasn’t the case, the more ads for it I see, the more I wanna watch Wipeout.

Craig does survive, and Nicole is up net. She gets turned around on her raft and still manages to get the bag. Mark manages to get his bag as well. Time for the bag reveals. Nicole, Kristen, Bobby, and Liz all have fake money. Mark and Clay have real cash though, so they get 20 grand. Everyone gets their Mole journal and then Marcie is made to pick 4 people to sleep out for the night. Marcie actually picks three of the people who managed to get their bags and Craig, who choked himself, which seems like a very dumb or moley strategy. One of the younger idiot males (Maybe Alex or Paul) gives away his journal because he has a photogenic memory, which I guess is good for the other players, because not only is he an idiot, but he may give them some really attractive photos of things he remembered.

SIDENOTE: As much as I wish it wasn’t the case, the more ads for it I see, the more I wanna watch I Survived A Japanese Game Show. God damn you ABC.

Marcie and Paul are forming an alliance. I’m still not sure if he’s the one with the photogenic memory. They get a clue and have to go to the beach. Paul, immediately making him more aggravating, gets Alex involved in his coalition of the driving. It’s all very idiotic. The group picks Nicole as the biggest complainer, and she complains about being called a complainer and says that she’s awesome. Jon tells them about Robinson Crusoe and calls him a crybaby. Nicole has to pick out a bunch of roles for people. There are 45 items hidden on the beach and then they have to pick out 5 items that Robinson Crusoe had with him. Meanwhile, two of them have to keep filling a giant hourglass with sand. Liz keeps endearing herself to me. Everyone is basically screwing up. Methinks the Mole is afoot…

SIDENOTE: I think the reason that I want to watch the previous two shows is because schadenfreude is a major component of my personality and they look like people getting harmlessly injured a lot.

The three who pick the guesses get one right the first time, three the second time. Paul, one of the sand people, gives up. The get 3 out of 5 items right, which gives them another 15 grand. Nicole is gonna get stranded on the beach while everyone else leaves. I can’t help but think that there’s a better deal coming for her.

SIDENOTE: Based on every commercial and trailer I’ve seen for it, I really kind of hope The Love Guru destroys all of Mike Myers’ box office reliability and he’s forced to go back to making good movies.

Nicole gets comfortable on the beach. Meanwhile, everyone is discussing possible Mole suspects. It seems like everyone’s name comes up. The contestants all go to dinner with Jon, while Nicole is still camping on the beach. Mark gets all teary-eyed talking about his family and how he’s doing for them. Not to sound like an synical asshole, but I’ve heard it all before. Jon toasts them all “May the mole be merciful.” He might not be that terrible a host yet.

THE LAST SIDENOTE, I PROMISE: Wanted looks awesome.

It’s quiz time. The quiz is ten questions. They still refer to them as executions, but I don’t care.

LEADING SUSPECTS:
Paul suspects Craig
Alex suspects Marcie
Craig maybe suspects Marcie
Bobby suspects Kristen (Me too! Please don’t go home, it’ll make me look like an idiot)
Marcie maybe suspects Nicole
Mark maybe suspects Craig
Victoria maybe suspects Bobby

Well, it turns out Nicole? She’s safe from being executed tonight. She is teleconferenced in front of a very fake looking fire, and she is very pleased with her exemption. It’s time to get down to executin’. Ali is first, and she is safe. Victoria’s next, and she’s safe too. Paul is next, and I’m hoping he gets executed. But he’s safe. Bobby’s next, and his results don’t make me look like an idiot, because he’s safe. Mark is next, and he’s safe too. Marcie is next, and, unfortunately for anyone who suspected her, she is executed. Which means my mole suspect (Kristen) and my favorite contestant (Liz) both survived the first episode, which, no joke, may be a record for me with The Mole.

NEXT TIME ON THE MOLE: Tandem bikes! Bobby in a wheelbarrow being pushed in Kristen! Paul being a typical tri-state area douchebag (Don’t worry, I can say that, I’m a tri-stater)! Nicole threatening to murder someone in their sleep!