On The Lot 6/19. And So It Continues...

Tonight, “On The Lot”, Adrianna Costa is a terrible host.

Wait, let’s start over. Tonight, “On The Lot”, Carrie Fisher and Garry Marshall will make really bad criticism.

Let’s Try This Once More. Tonight, “On The Lot”, you’ll watch mediocre films.

That one’s the closest. On this weeks installment of reality trainwreck “On The Lot”, one more director is going home and 5 more are showing their submission films (Fox lies, if you haven’t noticed. They aren’t new). Spoilers ahead, but I doubt you care, since you’re probably not one of the 14 people still watching this,

The show starts off promisingly enough, with the elimination of Tony Scott. No, wait, that’s just Marty Martin, the self-promoting Tony Scott impersonator. Adrianna gives him an awkward hug and sends him off, after Carrie Fisher basically says the exact same thing she said last week. Now, we just have to get rid of talent-less Kenny and the show will have a bunch of mediocre directors, as opposed to a bunch of mediocre directors and Kenny.

Alright, first up is Will’s movie “Glass Eye”. And the night continues to be good. The movie is fun, funny, well shot, and well executed. A rare achievement for the show. In true form, the judges are terrible. Carrie Fisher comments on the lack of dialogue introducing Will to the concept of talkies. Because, apparently all movies must have all dialogue all the time. And movies can’t be funny without words. Wes Craven, tonight’s sane member of the panel, gives the only actual criticism, commenting on how Will could have better used color and black and white. Garry Marshall comments on how he wasn’t sympathetic with the main character because he wore a wife beater and Garry was afraid he was going to start beating Will’s wife in the middle of the movie. Great criticism Garry.

Next up is Jason, whose last movie proved how much America likes making fun of the mentally handicapped. His movie, “Blood Born”, about a man who’s blood can heal, was stylishly shot, albeit a bit clichéd. I kind of lost interest in it part way through. Missing the conclusion. Carrie actually comments on something I thought of as well, that, Jason, who’s intro proclaimed his Christian values in not depicting sex or violence on screen, has drugs on screen, and, according to them (I maybe missed it) a drive by. Craven makes the only good criticism again. Garry Marshall blathers on about something idiotic. I’ve somewhat learned to drown him out.

Third comes Zack. Can we just give the prize to him now and get Adrianna, Carrie, and Garry off the air? His short “Sunshine Girl” really kinda blows the others out of the water. Visually interesting, good effects, and an effective choice for the little girl. The judges all seem to love it. For once, I agree with them. Oh, and Garry doesn’t think you should trust British people in the dark. Thanks for that tidbit Garry.

Fourth is Mateen, with his short “Lost”. I actually really liked this one as well. Shot close up to convey the claustrophobic elements of the conversation (at least so I thought), it was well written, well acted. My only complaint is that it seems like part of a longer story. Carrie wishes more happened and that it had a third act. Because if its all dialogue, that’s not good for Carrie. Maybe Mateen and Will should team up and make Carrie happy. Wes Craven also wishes it was longer. Garry blathers on.

Last up is Jessie, who makes a horror movie for trees. Or maybe it’s just a guy cutting down a tree for three minutes. There’s a decent shot here and there, but overall, it’s pretty weak. The judges agree. Carrie has the most bizarro line of the night with: “That was my least favorite thing besides adolescence and being left by a man for a man.” O…k Carrie. Good to know. Wes Craven, a real horror director, thinks it’s probably scary for trees, but mainly its just a guy cutting down a tree, and that something like the tree should have attacked back. I don’t bother to listen to Garry, because Carrie filled the insane quota of this set of comments with her list of things she doesn’t like.

Well, that’s it. This was far and away the best group of 5 that we’ve seen. In fact, I'd go so far to say as tonight's batch was pretty darn good. So much for my "mediocre" prediction. I feel bad for Jessie, because her film was still markedly better than Hillary’s, Kenny’s, David’s, and a bunch of others. But she’s toast. Maybe in some freak accident America will vote out Adrianna, Carrie, and Garry, and bring back Chelsea Handler to host, and Michael Bay and DJ Caruso as judges. Maybe one of the directors will make that movie. I’d vote for them.