Big Brother 7/22. Drama, Dick Style.

Previously on Big Brother, Danielle made her boyfriend look like a fool on national television, Jen did some crazy stuff, Kail acted like an idiot, and Big Brother cleaned up its case of gonorrhea and gave power to its Dick. As we enter our monotone house, Dustin is happy with Joe’s departure, Kail realizes her alliance betrayed her, and Jen thinks she accomplished her mission (to apparently get Dick gone. What Jen?). The house gets its color back and Danielle admits that she only kept Dad for games sake. Dick is pleased with the vindication that HOH will bring him. Danielle is pleased because she has jack to worry about. Jen is concerned, but is happy that Dick now has his own room. Kail is already trying to backtrack on what she did. Nuh uh, Kail. Not gonna work. Kail is pissed at her alliance for not telling her, to which Mike basically responds, “Whoops, sorry I forgot to tell you”. Kail confronts him with questions like “Is there still an alliance?” Mike seems to understand only 3 words of that sentence. Kail is pretty sure her alliance is over. I’m pretty sure Kail’s game is over. Dick’s HOH room has pictures of him and Danielle. Amber in the diary room likes pictures, and looks to be on the verge of tears. No surprise though. Dick decides to talk to Mrs. Robinson, her boys, and Jen in order to get them to separate and beg to him. Kail tries to deflect onto Zach, whom everyone hates. Dick tells us that Jen and Kail will be the nominees, but depending on who turns on whom, things may go differently. I somehow question the validity of this statement.

When we come back from break, Eric and Jen decide to wrestle. Eric starts to size up, while Jen just stares him down. Jen decides she has too much clothing on, takes off her sweater, and the match begins. And she promptly takes him down. Eric says he let her win, but I know that what he’s saying is “America, please don’t make me mess with Jen.” Don’t worry, Eric. I won’t. From here, we move outside and back in time about two weeks (I know this because this story was all over the feeds) and Nick’s top 5 list comes up. For guys that is. See, apparently, Nick would do stuff with his top 5 guys. Zach and Dick are skeeved out by this. Zach more and more reminds me of the idiot in the frat house that even the frat brothers are ashamed of. Some of the names mentioned include Matthew McConnaughey, Brad Pitt, Hugh Jackman, and Ryan Reynolds. The phrases “killer bod”, and “thinking of myself” come up. He then gives his top 5 girls list that only consists of Danielle. Nick gets cornier with each episode. Danielle is apparently having a really hard time deciding between Nick and her established boyfriend who she’s humiliating on national television. Repeatedly. Danielle just wants to go home, because she doesn’t want to hurt people. Dick and Danielle’s heart to heart strikes me as the most “real” conversation of the season, and I suddenly like Evil even more, because he is the comforting dad for real. Danielle doesn’t want to hurt her boyfriend who’s been there for her whenever she’s needed him, but Nick’s a hot guy who she’s known for three weeks. Dick tells her about the difference between the real world and the house. Dick ends with “do what’s right for you” and offers himself as someone to talk to. Dick is really glad that Danielle is seeking advice, but he doesn’t like that it was over problem that’s really tough. Dustin, keeping a cool head, notes that at least he’s here as someone who she can speak to.

The girls are stuck on slop still, and Jameka seems physically pained by eating it. Amber says something very similar in the diary room, and again looks on the verge of tears. Jen admits that she doesn’t feel bad that people are on slop because she doesn’t feel bad for people. She feels something but she’s not sure what it is. Jen, you’re hilarious, please stay for as long as possible. Dick makes a comment about starving children in Africa and Jameka goes on the offensive. Dick and Jameka have a good one on one, and she says that it’s not a racist thing, but that its so hard to be the only minority, and that strain just keeps popping out. Dick sympathizes. But enough of interesting racial commentary, its time for the food competition! This week’s food competition is “Mission InPastaBowl”. This is for the whole house, because clearly Big Brother feels bad that certain people haven’t had a real meal in the house. Dustin and Amber are first and they get halibut. Mike and Zach score desert. Kail and Jen gets Sweetbreads and Jessica has no idea what they are. Dick and Eric score eggs. Jess and Jameka score the BBQ grill for the week, and Nick and Dani go bananas. Dustin and Amber get lobster tail, and for once she doesn’t cry. Mike and Zach get chicken. Kail and Jen get cucumbers, much to Jameka’s dismay. Some other notables are Cereal, Beer (Yay Beer!). Eric starts a pasta fight, which is far and away the most entertaining part of watching the competition. Eric puts some sauce down Ambers pants. I’m sure she’s still crying about it. Arguably the funniest haul though, goes to Kail and Jen, who get Sweetbreads (Calf pancreas!), Melons (How apt for Jen!), and Cucumbers (Sorry Jameka!). America’s Choice is that Eric should get Jen nominated. I hate you America. Eric says this will be his easiest check mark. He goes and talks with Dick and everything goes according to plan.

When we come back, Kail is asking Dustin about whether Robin (Holy Homosexuality Batman!) and Barney are gay. Dustin has the best retort possible, which is that since he’s a giant fictional dinosaur, he probably doesn’t have sexual preferences. Kail seems to think that she could only figure out a gay man if he was wearing his full makeup. Kail, please stop talking. Thanks. Kail says her views on homosexuality are still that its sin, but that Dustin seems nice enough. I’m kind of disappointed that the words “too bad he’ll burn in hell” come out his mouth. Not that I agree with her, but it would have really gotten America to target her instead of Jen. Dick starts confronting people in the HOH, starting with Zach (Deny Deny Deny method), and then Nick (whom Dick threatens if anything happens to Danielle, because it’s ruining her life). But enough of that possibly interesting conversation, it’s time for another pointless America’s choice. This week, Eric gets to vandalize someone’s belongings! I’m gonna vote for Amber. That way she’ll actually cry on screen. It’s kind of weird only seeing her on the verge of tears. Although, seeing some better Jen shirts might be good too.

It’s nomination time, and the editors don’t even give us any footage of Dick contemplating nominees or people freaking out over whether they’ll be nominated. No surprises, Jameka, Jessica, Amber, Eric, Danielle, and Dustin are all safe. Nick is safe next, then Zach, and finally Mike, meaning the nominees are the obvious Kail and Jen. Surprise surprise. Wait, no, I mean the opposite of that. Jen is up because she put Dick up. Kail lied and deceived him, and Dick threatens to do everything he can to make her go home. Kail thinks her kids are cheering her on. That is, unless they’re gay. Don’t forget, Kail threatened to disown her kids if any of them chose to be gay. I would disown any of my children if they chose Kail as a mom. I guess that’s kind of the same thing. Jen doesn’t even feel like she’s nominated because she feels the same. She’s still there. I truly hope, for the show’s sake, she stays there.