On The Lot on 7/3 Was Horror-Ble...

To all of you who groaned at this title, I understand. The pun was terrible. But I couldn’t resist myself. But the pun is still better than around half of tonight’s offerings. Adrianna Costa, looking incredibly demure, introduces our horror night. We go straight into our elimination. David realizes he’s not good at sexy stuff, Will is nervous because he didn’t hit a home run this week. Adrianna and Garry show up again. Adrianna reveals that David is the one who’s leaving the lot. I’m not shocked, but it really should have been Hilary going home. In a surprise to absolutely no one, our 6 horror directors are revealed: Shira-Lee, Sam, Mateen, Jason, Kenny, and Andrew. Adrianna introduces our judges, Tweedle Dee (Carrie), Tweedle Dum (Garry), and special guest judge this week, Eli Roth, who single-handedly made the “torture-porn” sub-genre popular with Hostel. He recently blamed the failure for Hostel 2 on piracy. I blame it on the fact that the movie stunk. Seriously, take credit for your work dude. It’s crappy, so is most of Hollywood. You could have just said that an On The Lot contestant helped you.

Kenny is up first. Kenny doesn’t care about blurry and bad camera angles, which leads to fights with his cinematographer. Well, it’s his best movie to date, but compared to “Wack Alley Cab” and “Emo Teen Goes Crazy”, that’s not hard. If anything, though, I’d say he didn’t go crazy enough on this one. This is the one-week where his eccentric style really could have worked, but instead, he does a cheesy horror-comedy payoff with Tatiana Ali as a zombie blogmaster. The actual attack was pretty well shot though. It could have used a better script as well; some of the dialogue was painfully bad. Carrie calls it his most accessible film, unlike his tie. Nice Carrie. She calls it “Gone with the Wind” for him. Eli Roth thought the buildup was better than the conclusion, but that the tone was really good. Garry wrote for the Rat Pack, and is glad he no longer lives in Malibu. He continues to pimp Adrianna out by telling her to hug him, which she describes as less awkward.

Sam comes next. Sam is working with children, animals, and puppets, breaking the rules of Hollywood. His puppet looks really creep though. Much, much better than Kenny’s film, it was properly atmospheric with another great attack scene. The main kids performance was believable, and the puppet was effectively creepy. The prologue doesn’t quite work though. Carrie disliked the prologue as well, but thought the rest was good. Eli Roth thought the attack was fantastic but that the prologue gives everything away and that the tag was weak. Garry loves solitude because his passions turn into monsters in the darkness of the mind. He also tells us that Euripides never made horror movies, and that Sam’s mother and dog are pansies.

Eli Roth and Adrianna both dislike blood. Adrianna assures us though, that the blood in Andrew’s movie is fake. Thank you Adrianna, we were really worried. Andrew’s up next. He’s afraid it’ll play comedic, but it doesn’t look like it could. Unfortunately, it plays completely like comedy. There is a complete lack of atmospheric scares, and the bumbling nature of his protagonist only serves to heighten the comedic aspect of when she goes all demonic in the end, Carrie liked it and that it was really entertaining, and that he normalized zombies. Eli Roth thought it was neither horror nor comedy and played like a “Got Milk” ad. Garry wants to know what’s on the TV. “On The Lot” is on Garry. I’m watching you on it.

Jason had to face a fear of working with kids. Because Sam’s kid wasn’t an actual kid. Hilary thinks that working with kids is a bad idea. I think that working with Hilary is a bad idea. It was a little too supernatural drama than horror. There was a really good atmosphere to it, and it veered in a different direction than I expected. I just wished the kid had been a little creepier. Carrie found herself scared for the first time, and that it was visually interesting, calling it her favorite movie so far. Eli Roth found that the mother strained credulity, and that it screwed him up. Garry thinks Sen and Sational are two different words. And he thinks everyone will have nightmares.

Shira-Lee is up next. She’s a first-time horror director and the only woman director doing horror. Shira-Lee is avoiding gore, and aiming for a psychological chiller. It’s pretty scare-less, and seems to build to nothing. The shot technique was good, but her lighting was entirely too bright. If you’re not going to have any obstacles for your actors, your ghost should at least be scary. Carrie wasn’t scared, but thought the lead actress was good. Carrie also points out that ghosts in the daytime aren’t nearly as scary. Eli Roth thought she overdid the music, and that the end payoff was good. Garry likes Al Gore.

Mateen is up last. Mateen is aiming for a new twist on the horror genre, everyday horror. Shalini is worried that people are either gonna love it or not be able to relate to it at all. I understand where he’s coming from, but to me, this doesn’t quite qualify for horror. It’s drama more than anything else, and carries a lofty political statement that doesn’t quite fit into this week’s material. Also, the story at times is hard to understand. It’s a premonition, right? Maybe not. Carrie thought it had a good look and good performances, but she didn’t quite understand it. Eli thinks the strength is in the performance, and that the audience is disconnected from the jumping P.O.V shots. Garry, for once, doesn’t come off like an idiot. He seems to have actually taken this one seriously. Mateen says he’s trying to take drama to a horror standpoint, but Eli responds that the problem was the audience’s disengagement.

Tonight’s group, in order:
1) Sam’s was the top of the field this week. His creature and performances were both good, and his film was well shot.
2) Mateen’s was second best, even though it didn’t quite fit the bill this week.
3) Jason’s was well shot, but the unconvincing mother and spiritual mumbo of it turned me off slightly
4) Kenny comes fourth, surprisingly enough. His movie had a good attack seen, was well shot, and was miles above Wack Alley Cab
5) Shira-Lee’s was only buildup with no big payoff. She was the real letdown this week.
6) Andrew’s wasn’t scary, had no buildup, and was over clichéd, which lands him on the bottom of the pile.