This is not to say that I love “Rock of Love’ anymore than any of VH1’s other fine offerings. I love them all equally, like a parent loves a child. But Rock of Love is my current Celebreality drug of choice, which is why this is the subject of this post. When I Love New York 2 comes on (Please God, let it be soon), it will get many a post as well. If and when Charm School 2 comes on (Flavor of Love Girls vs. Rock of Love girls, perhaps?), it will get many a post. But for now, Rock of Love has the spotlight.
I honestly don’t think you could get any trashier than Rock of Love, and that’s the way I like it. I think more alcohol has been consumed in the first 3 days of Rock of Love than in the entirety of the first season of I Love New York. I think more alcohol has been consumed in the first three days than in the entirety of America’s frat houses the past college year. And boy, does it get these girls riled up. I mean, when discussing alcohol and Rock of Love, immediately Tiffany comes to mind.
In the first 5 minutes of the first episode, Big John, Bret Michaels’ friend and security, eliminates 5 girls, one of them being Tiffany.
But Tiffany came all the way out here, she even got a hat (She reiterates this repeatedly) and she’s not leaving this easily. So she bangs on the door and refuses to leave. The producers, seeing gold in this woman, allow her to stay. What does she do? What all the other girls did when they first entered the house; Make a beeline for the bar. Tiffany, figuring she has to catch up, gets beyond plastered, starts picking fights with the other woman (who are also all drunk), gets on the stripper pole conveniently located in the middle of the living room, and slurs her way through the rest of the episode. At about the 30-minute mark, VH1 begins subtitling her. By the end of the episode, it’s pretty much all “?????????” with the exception of her repeated phrase “Don’t threaten me with a good time”. She barely survives that night’s elimination, probably solely because the producers realized what amazing TV this woman could provide, and the next day she realizes she’s drunk too much. But it’s time for their first challenge, where the ladies, in front of one another, have to have phone sex with Bret and the three ladies who do best win dates with Bret. Now, this is all measured by Dr. Roy (who, the show tells us, is not an accredited doctor) and his machine that measures the blood flow to Brett’s wang. Yes, you read that right. This competition worries Tiffany. What’s the best way to get rid of those worries? You guessed it. Get plastered. Tiffany is a complete mess on the phone, tips Bret off that it’s her by telling him not to threaten her with a good time, and receives her third strike. She’s eliminated that night and I cry a little, because I don’t have anyone to threaten with a good time anymore.
But Tiffany isn’t the only trainwreck there. She’s just one of many, many trainwrecks. I mean, there are Brandi C and Christia who think that they should be best friends and sisters because they’re blonde and have big boobs.
Seriously though, if everyone in this house who had big boobs acted like siblings, this would be a dysfunctional family reunion. Not to be outdone in the boob department though, you have a contestant like Erin, who even the other big boobed girls say has “clown tits”. That’s a direct quote.
And I guess Erin’s clown tits scare them (I’m even a little scared by them. I think if I got too close they could swallow me like quicksand) because, as she’s telling some of the girls about an ex-fiancée, contestants like Heather are thinking that she shouldn’t be there because she has a fiancée. Not an ex-fiancée, they’re sure, because they only have selective hearing, that she has a fiancée. I’m wondering if it’s an ex-fiancée because he left her or because he got swallowed up by them things on her chest.
And the final match up of note is between Lacey, a member of PETA, and Dallas, who only wears animals and eats them. This is a fun one folks. You see, Dallas used to have a bunny rabbit, but she has rabbit skin coats. I bet her neighbors are wondering what happened to that giant litter of Dalmatian puppies they had. She also tells Lacey that if an animal were in the room right now, she’d slit its throat. Lacey is mortified, as is most of America. But the next episode, there’s a showdown between Lacey in a PETA shirt and Dallas in every dead animal in the house. Lacey’s now pissed, so she tries to get Dallas to slug her and get her kicked off the show. She’s really antagonizing her and the other woman somehow manage to see through their drunken hazes and realize shits about to go down.
So as Lacey’s about to confront Dallas on a flight of metal stairs (Good Thinking Lacey!), Rodeo, who I’m about 75% sure is actually a man, steps in, puts Lacey in a chokehold, and wrangles her to the floor. And I didn’t even have to pay 8 dollars to watch it.
So you see, Rock of Love is just about as trashy as you can get. And I love it for that. Where else can you find woman who wake up after a night of heavy drinking, make their way to the in-house bar, and make a giant batch of Fuzzy Navels? Nowhere America. Well, besides The View.
PS: I just read that casting has begun on not only a third season of Flavor of Love, but also a second season of Charm School featuring the Rock of Love girls. Dreams really do come true.
0 comments:
Post a Comment