Why You Should Be Watching The Awesomely Bad "Pirate Master"

What can I say about CBS’ most recent attempt to capitalize off the past success of one of it’s own shows, the Survivor retread “Pirate Master.” Only that the show is so bad that you should do everything in your power to watch it. Yes, you heard me correct. Rarely will you encounter a show with this level of unknowing stupidity. And that is why you should be watching those weekly adventures on the Picton Castle. Still not with me about why you should endure one hour a week of high seas (and by that I mean floating around a Carribbean island) “intrigue”? Well, let me illuminate you.

They seem to have scooped all the contestants from mental institutions. For example, you have a castmate like John, who the producers should not have allowed to have been booted the first week. John, whose description read “Scientist/Stripper”, not only made the most interesting television, but also showed the only pirate-like move the game has seen, holding the only two compasses hostage in order to save himself (the move failed, leading to his unanimous ouster.)

Or, if you prefer, look at someone like new ship’s captain Azmyth, a seemingly sane gentleman, fairly competent in challenges. That is, until he donned the captain’s hat and jacket. Then he affected a pretty darn bad British accent, because, and this is just postulation, in his mind he thought “all captains are British. For me to become an effective captain, I must become British”. To that I say, Pip Pip, Cheerio, where can I get my boat.

But then you also have the less insane people there, but who still make laugh out loud television. Like Louie, who I’m pretty sure is actually Rupert from Survivor, but with dyed hair. I caught you CBS. Or maybe you prefer Joe Don, who’s favorite perk about being captain was seemingly not his share in half of all monies won, but the rum he had in his room. Or maybe you prefer your crazy in a Jay-like form, where, as evidenced by the previews or the show, he believes he’s the most like a pirate because he sells used cars.

Then again, if you prefer trainwreck over crazy, maybe your favorite parts will be those involving host and the person Australia should apologize to us for, Cameron Daddo, who, seemingly, was brought in because he does a half-decent Jeff Probst impression. The thing that Daddo is notable for is creating even less of an impression than cast members like Laurel, who I honestly believe was a stowaway until the third episode, when they discovered her curled up in a ball in the hull of the ship and decided “Hey, she’d be yet another body on screen who no one would care about. Maybe she, Christa, and Kendra will all become friends who no one will remember.”

In any event, you really should be watching Pirate Master. It will make you feel good about yourself because hey, at least you’re not holed up on a ship with these people.