Big Brother 7/31. God Made Me Write This Recap.

Previously on Big Brother, the house lost a personality equivalent to a ficus, everyone pondered a mystery vote, Amber showed her lack of knowledge of the English language, Dustin won HOH and was swayed, Danielle made out with Nick and then whined about the situation to Dad, and Kail and Jen were nominated for the second straight week in a row. We enter the house circa 1940 (I’m guessing, because it’s kind of black and white) with Kail and Jen freshly nominated. Dick is very pleased because his nominations are up there. Dick, I’m guessing, thinks it’s his single-handed accomplishment. Dick congratulates Dustin. Kail thinks she’s a pawn, but she’s very wrong. Jen, finally showing emotion, goes to the bathroom and cries in secret. If I needed to reiterate why I love Jen, it’s because of moments like this. She is clearly so strong but also so vulnerable, and she doesn’t feel like people can see her with a chink in her armor. Dustin and Kail go into HOH and Dustin informs Kail that neither Jen nor Kail is the intended target, Zach is, and Jen will go home if the nominations don’t change. Dustin is all sympathetic, and then he goes into the Diary Room and says Kail shouldn’t trust him. Jen is cleaning herself up and Nick comes to comfort her, as does Kail. Jen reiterates how hurt she is and Kail reassures her that they’ll survive again. Jen says she’s not crying because she’s scared to go home, she just doesn’t get why she’s nominated. Kail tells her to be strong. I find this very funny, because they are the reverse. Amber, having witnessed the entire situation, immediately goes and tells Dustin that Jen is a fake bitch and Nick is comforting her, how dare he. Dustin thinks there’s a leak in the alliance of 7. Amber seriously blames everyone in the house for everything. I bet she’s gonna go cry about it Very quickly, it’s time to pick veto players. Kail doesn’t want Dick, Danielle, or Zach playing. Dustin picks Danielle. Jen picks Jameka who believes that Jen picking her ball means God wants her to win it for Jen. Kail picks Jessica. Eric is chosen as host and dances like a monkey. Dustin informs them that they have 17 hours. It’s time for God Talk with Kail and Jameka, where they strongly believe that God cares about the goings on in the Big Brother house, and if your ball gets picked, God wants you to win. Jameka assures Jen that God’s gonna give her the win and she’ll take Jen off if she wins. Jen thanks her and is very happy that she’s God-fearing. Jameka tells Dustin and Dick this, and Dick clearly looks frustrated by Jameka believing in God’s will. I somehow don’t think Dick would question this if it were Danielle in Jen’s position. Hypocrite. Dick can’t believe it, and it’s reiterated by power chords in the background. Seriously Big Brother, because he’s a rocker dad you put power chords behind him in the Diary Room? Jameka doesn’t care about Dick’s opinion because he’s an atheist and calls himself Evil. Dick agrees that God probably has better things to do, and thinks that this is Jameka’s personal agenda. I no longer care what Dick says though, because on the feeds he has now gone above and beyond in attacking Jen, spouting vile shit and pouring tea on her. So Dick, even though I agree, I don’t really care what you say.

It’s time for a veto competition, and Eric comes out dressed like a pretentious Frenchmen. Apparently, everyone does. This week’s challenge involves the Big Brother art gallery. There’s wine and cheese for everyone (even those on slop?). The challenge revolves around Vincent Van Veto (Oh Big Brother, you so funny). It’s about slogans interpreted through art. It’s complicated, involving Big Brother bucks. Danielle gets the first one (Head of Household). Danielle gets number two as well (Memory wall). She’s clever that one. But a whiny brat too. They cancel each other out. Kail gets number 3. Danielle eliminates herself on number 4. After number 4, they can purchase certain items. The first thing is a trip for two to Barbados and Dustin takes it for 750 dollars and people are pissed off seemingly, because he told others to fight for the veto. Dick calls him a jackass. Kail massively botches the next one and eliminates herself. Kail is pissed because the pawn always goes home (Big Brother very cruelly rings the ding ding at this comment). Dustin gets Julie Chen, then chopping block, putting him in the lead by 750 dollars. Up next is another sale item, and it’s 5 grand. Dustin rings in again, getting himself some spending money for Barbados. Amber, in the diary room, doesn’t think this was nice and starts bawling about how Jameka could have taken it as well. Very nice Amber. Cry about something pointless again. Jen rings in on the last one, answers very wrongly, takes a sip of wine, and gives Jameka the power of veto. Dick immediately accuses Jen of purposefully botching the last one because Jameka promised to use it. Again, I’m guessing he’s right. And again, I believe that Jen is a genius. It’s a brilliant strategy. Jameka regrets telling her that she would take her off if she won. Jameka, what if God wanted you to tell her, because then the game would play out the way it did. Did you think of that? No? I guess you need to be heathen to think smart like that.

When we come back, Dick is confronting Dustin about his wicked, wicked ways. Dick says he wouldn’t have done it (I don’t fully believe this), and Dustin admits that he was selfish. So what, this is a game for personal gain. Amber is so mad right now, and looks like she’s crying again. Jameka stands by that she’s following God’s will (over church organs. Amber says she wouldn’t have taken the money (Again, I don’t believe this). Jameka calls god a gangster (Jameka, you rock). Amber is crying again because Dustin is greedy and because Jameka is such a beautiful person. Can someone remove Amber’s tear ducts? PLEASE? Dustin admits that he needs money, and Eric listens to him but chastises him in the diary room. Is it just me, or is everyone backstabbing a lot more this year. Dick starts yelling at Jen again for letting Jameka win. Jen is actually fighting back this time, but she just ignores him at the end and walks away. Kail wonders why Dick cares so much. Dick claims he says everyone is thinking it, which Kail contradicts, to which Dick responds that she doesn’t matter. Great logic there Dick. Everyone seems to be disagreeing with him and telling him to shut up though. I’m not sure if anything more happens here, because it seems like CBS may have cut to commercial in the middle of the show. That, or the cast of The Invasion just joined the Big Brother house.

It’s time for our America’s player shenanigans. Eric has to repeat “I’d Do That For A Dollar” repeatedly. He seems to take it in stride. First he goes into a pillowcase, and they drag him around the yard in it. He pitches the idea to Dick about Amber’s ridiculous expressions and repeatedly saying some dumb expression “I’d do that for a dollar”. Dick bites at the pitch. Eric keeps repeating, much to some houseguests’ chagrin. He jumps in the pool with all his clothes on for a dollar. I hate the phrase already. Why couldn’t it be Sweet Chicken America? We’re finally introduced to the LNC as it stands (or the alliance of 7). The have to decide between Nick and Zach. The group seems to be going towards Nick and Danielle looks like she’s about to break down and have another hissy fit. Eric is fighting to get rid of Nick. Danielle tries to get Jen kicked out, even though Jameka is adamant about using the veto. Amber contradicts that Nick does the same thing that she claims Jen does. Danielle walks out of the HOH room, and I’m surprised she isn’t huffing. Instead, she’s crying in the bathroom and claiming that Amber is personally attacking her. Jessica points out that Danielle’s romantic drama is not theirs to deal with and it’ll be better for her. Jameka reiterates that she wants Zach gone. We get dramatic music and pictures of the houseguests. Get it, because there’s drama in the house? No, I know its just filler, but I’m trying to make this recap snazzy.

It’s time for Jameka to stare at the memory wall and look ponderous. Jameka reiterates that she’s prayed to check if what she’s doing is right. Zach still thinks Dustin won’t put him up. Nick is not worried either. Kail thinks that Zach should be put up if Jameka uses the veto. It’s time for the veto meeting. Jen argues that everything happens for a reason and she enjoys being here. Kail isn’t going to ask Jameka to use the veto on her over her friend. Jameka says she’s learned things about certain people’s characters. Jameka says she wants her actions to speak more than her words, and she unsurprisingly vetoes Jen. Amber looks on the verge of tears again. Does the woman do anything but cry and backstab people, sometimes at the same time? Dustin makes a speech about people playing all sides and nominates Nick. Danielle looks ready to huff off again. And with the slamming of the veto case, the meeting is adjourned. Danielle cries in the diary room because she doesn’t have many people in the house. Dustin says it’s a game and people shouldn’t get too attached. Nick says he’s nominated because he’s a threat down the line. Kail is bewildered as to what’s happening, and she yet again doesn’t feel safe. Jen is more upset over Nick’s nomination than her own, and calls Dustin a turd. Amber is crying AGAIN. A woman this unstable should not be allowed to have children. Take away her daughter Child Services. She can keep her dog. They’re the same in her heart, right?

Just FYI, this is my current ranking of the houseguests:
1) Jen
2 (tie) Eric/Jessica
4) Jameka
(BIG GAP HERE)
5) Kail
6) Dustin
7) Nick
8)Zach
(ANOTHER BIG GAP HERE)
9) Danielle
10(tie) Dick/Amber- I really wish we could evict both in one fell swoop.