On The Lot 8/21. And The Contract Goes To...

Well, tonight is the night. The last night that Adrianna Costa will stumble her way through mundane lines. The last night Carrie Fisher will say something completely out of left field (Anyone else remember when she said something about how she hates when men leave her for other men? I do). The last night Garry Marshall will say something idiotic and quote a dead person with no relevance to the situation. And tonight is the last night we will have to watch these three directors with varying amounts of talent make usually only half decent 3 minute movies in an attempt to win a contract to make good ninety plus minute movies, something none of them can most likely do. As our directors walk onto the soundstage set through a car that is miraculously sitting outside the fake theater, Adrianna stumbles over her last opening and I marvel how Jason has the gall to wear a baseball hat with a nice suit. Tonight, Adrianna is in a long red number with a big flower sticking out of the side of her head. Since when are the Carrie and Garry the epitome of Hollywood class and style as Adrianna calls them? I don’t think so Adrianna. We go into the first video package, which is basically a self-congratulatory effort with the show complimenting their own “Hollywood quality” movies with “talented casts and crews”. Again, show, I don’t think so. What is interesting is how much better the editing is on the montage than on any film made this year. Really shows you how talented our directors are. Adrianna asks the eliminated filmmakers some questions, like whether more-talented-than-anyone-else Zack is surprised he’s not in the finale, whether Tony Scott wannabe Marty Martin thought the experience was worth it, and whether Shira-Lee is more prepared for Hollywood because women can’t take the experience without On The Lot’s preparation. Then we get some outtakes of originally not-funny movies. Guess what? They’re still not funny.

As we reenter the fake movie theater, we get clips from movies involving cars, aka Ford Products. Adrianna reminds us that some aspect of the show was good enough to garner an Emmy nomination. The next time-killer is our final three directors picking their favorite movies by other directors. Adam is up first and picks Zach’s “Die Hardly Working”, which was one of his weaker efforts, but still better than anything Jason put out. Will is up next, and chose Hillary’s “Under the Gun”, the completely horrid sperm bank robbery comedy from Hillary. I guess Will can make decent movies but he doesn’t have decent taste in them. After re-living the horrendous experience of watching the sperm bank comedy, we get a recap of all the inane things that the judges said. Well, not everything. Because that would take a few hours. Oh, and remember that Carrie comment I mentioned earlier? Well, so did the editors…

We’re back, and Jason’s choice for his favorite movie is Mateen’s action movie, which I remember being the best from that week. Well, I guess Jason can’t make decent movies but he does have decent taste in them. Huh, he’s the inverse Will. Adrianna tells us that that was the last film of the season and launches into a video package about the “fantastic actors”. I’d call about 4 of them good, so to me this video package is mostly idiotic. Though I do finally learn Eric Cahill’s name, who was really nice to watch, if you catch my drift. Turns out up till this, her biggest role was either as the Pink Time Force Power Ranger or in the mercifully short-lived FOX sitcom “Free Ride”. I somehow don’t think this’ll be the career boost she needs.

And we’re back with Adrianna talking about their record-breaking vote tally, even though a massive technical glitch screwed up Internet voting. Good to know that a lot of effort is put into this show. We get yet another video package, this time with our final three directors talking about themselves over clips of their movies. No one wows me in their discussions of themselves or their movies. Carrie gives last words of advice talking about how she hates endings as much as being judgmental. I wonder where a man leaving her for other men falls on that chart. She calls them all winners as says they’ll all work in this town again. It’s time to get down to business, and Adrianna recaps everyone’s repeats from last week. America voted, and our favorite director is not Adam, who arguably was the most likely to produce a decent full-length movie. He smiles and Adrianna rubs his shoulder. He thanks his fans and repeats the company line of “great casts and crews” and tells us he’s not done. Garry tells us someone once complimented him. Good for you Garry, want a cookie? But there’s no rest for the marginally-talented as Adrianna immediately brings Will and Jason back to center stage to announce that the winner of On The Lot is… going to be announced after the break. Oh Adrianna Costa, you buxom trickster you.

We come back and both Jason and Will are sitting in the audience, as a voice announces Adrianna Costa, here to announce the winner of On The Lot. And see, here I thought she was announcing best sound editing on a made-for-television movie. The winner of On The Lot is…. Will Bigham, meaning the partially talented defeats mildly talented. But seriously, Will made some decent movies, including his adorable lamp movie. Will thanks God first and foremost, prompting much applause from the audience, who are apparently from God, because that’s the only reason an audience screams, right? When the place they’re from is mentioned, right? He also thanks the competitors, his family, etc. Garry compliments Jason and tells him he’ll go onto great films, and says Will will be doing it sooner. Garry quotes someone without telling whom it is, and they put Will into a car on his way to meet Steven Spielberg. Adrianna thanks us for an amazing season of movies and memories (which are, precisely?), but tells us it’s not over yet, because we get to watch Will walk through the gates of DreamWorks. Because guys walking though gates makes great TV.

It’s been a dream come true for Will, who, in a clearly pre-recorded car ride, goes to meet the great bearded man and gets a hug. Spielberg says it’s great to meet him, and tells him that Yes Men, Lucky Penny, and Glass Eye were his favorites, showing that he actually watched the show. He wishes him well and they walk onto the lot together and they lived happily ever after. The end, and can I just say “Thank God.” Goodbye Adrianna, Carrie, Garry, and all you other people who I insulted. I honestly can say I won’t miss you.